DP’s son moving in

My DP and I each have one young adult DC, both studying. Mine had always lived with me, his had done the overnight stays with DP but lived with her DM.

We moved in together a couple of years ago and discussed the situation thoroughly. It was very important to us that as young adults in education they would both have space in our house- a bedroom each. Either of them are welcome anytime and they do stay for periods. We also talked about similar rules for them and also what contribution would be expected should they choose to live with us post education.

I think the difference between this and your situation is that we are each in very similar positions and so understand how important it is to support our respective DC. We also talked it through. Your DP hasn't done this and has made a unilateral decision. I would be questioning why he thought this was ok? I think you need a very in-depth discussion before you exchange. Crisis talks depth. Whilst I agree with PP that for me I couldn't be with someone that wouldn't accommodate my DC (sod all the magical ability to fend for themselves on their 18th birthday, maybe in 1996). However I would be and was clear about that.

You also need to do some soul searching. Are you happy with the situation. It's ok not to be. Its ok to wonder what else will be decided without your input. Be wary of being presented with 'done deals'.

Agree with PP. It’s not the son moving in per se. It’s your partner telling you what’s going to happen without agreement or discussion. If you do go along with this, make sure you have a strong set of ground rules:

He pays rent
You’re not his mother - he (and your DP) do their own laundry
You take turns at cooking

And whatever else you want to include.

But being told that another person is living with you is again very different to a discussion.

As DDs mum I absolutely would say yes if she wanted to move in with me at any point in her life. But does that mean I just expect someone else to also accept it without checking with them first?

If his son was a child, yes you would be being unreasonable. This is an adult son. I’d be pulling out if my own home sale hadn’t fully completed

Yes, in an ideal world this would have been discussed prior to finding a house to buy etc. but the son only just told OPs partner that he wants to live with his dad full-time. He'd be a pretty rubbish dad if he refused.

Having another adult person living in the house full time will massively change the dynamics of your relationship.
There will be the financial cost - what will dss contribute?
How will chores be divided?
I think before moving forward on this purchase you need to sit down with your dp and dss and decide these things and set out the ground rules.
If expectations are managed from the start then it could work as long as everyone is on the same page, but your dp dropping that bombshell last minute is not a good sign. Communication and trust are key.

I wouldn't buy a house with someone who doesn't include me in all big decisions about it.

This is your warning sign. Your DP doesn't treat you as an equal. Do with that information what you wish but you havs been warned. I wouldn't ignore it.

The two of you might be able to live together right enough but him assuming that you’ll be ok for his son to move in permanently when you set up home together is another matter.

OH is well out of order by dropping this on you. If you do go ahead make sure that it is perfectly clear to them both that you’re NOT going to be housekeeper for them and they both pull their weight. Set the boundaries from the start.

I’d be withdrawing and let him go ahead on his own simply because I couldn't trust anyone who dropped this on me. Yes, there was always a possibility of an adult child moving in but it seems like your DP has blindsided you and not discussed this at all especially since the DS has always lived with his mum. I don’t think I’d be continuing the relationship either, as I said I couldn’t trust someone not to do similar going forward.

I would not be moving in with these men at all, ever.

Unacceptable that he has just announced this as a given with no discussion. Is there the assumption you will be cooking, cleaning and washing for a third adult too? Your DP is taking the piss tbh.

I would also wonder why his DS wants to move out of mums after all this time? Has she got fed up of doing everything for a grown arsed adult too?

Hmmmmm... i lived with someone and we both had kids but none together and we said from the outset stuff could change and we had to be ok with that i.e if the other parent died, the kids would be with us full time end of. Usually i am.not on the side of people moaning that they see their sks more than expected and its not what they signed up for, but it kind of is. BUT this is an adult, and not something you were expecting wtf for him to casually drop it in with no explanation or chance to discuss and agree sime ground rules. Adult DC can be challenging when they are your own - issues can arise from contribution to bills, responsibility for chores, bring girls/friends home after nights out, coming home drunk, meals/food, washing - does your dh not feel you need to set boundaries together and ensure you are on the same page? Id also want to know why the son has decided - ie to be nearer a job opportunity is different to not agreeing with mums rules ( red flag). Yanbu in pressing pause while you talk it through

Yeah agree with others who say it’s not on to not discuss it with you. Can you pause the house buying for now and continue to live separately? I think the idea that kids always have a home with both their parents, no questions asked, only works if the kid is an actual kid or their parents are together or the parent lives alone. Your DP should have explained that his son has decided he wants to move in with him and given you the option to either live with the two of them or continue to live on your own.

well yes it cuts both ways. They both need to rethink their position. I would not want to be suddenly living with a v young man without my full consent!

Oh hell nO

On what planet does any adult think they can casualty drop that into a conversation last minute When you're buying a house together??

and bluntly given that his DC is 19 and working and felt that it was absolutely fine to just announce, not ask, announce to his father that he was moving in, it seems the apple hasn't fallen from the tree

you're Going to saddled with living with 2 men neither of whom feel they need to ask or consult you about anything

I don't understand why you're not furious

And consider what else he might spring in you in the future without discussion.

its absolutely not about whether it is reasonable for his son to live with him, its how you work together as joint owners of a property. Lack of discussion will frankly ruin what might otherwise be a lovely relationship.

Is the house your partner's or are you buying jointly..and how many bedrooms /bathrooms are there? I dont think your partner should have just 'dropped' this on you

Do you have a relationship with the son’s mother? If so, I’d be wanting to know what triggered this. Being asked to pay rent? Trying to move his girlfriend in (because that’s a next down the line possibility). Drinks or drugs?

Certainly I’d be holding off on any exchange until you’ve clarified and had a serious chat. Speak to your solicitor and get a hold put on the exchange.

Do you have your own children? What will be the impact on bedrooms - or was there one spare?

That's perfect timing, you haven't exchanged and he's now shown how much he values your opinion. Time to pull out of the house and possibly the relationship.

Were it me in this situation I would pause progressing forward in buying a house together. It’s not about his son moving in that is the issue, it is the lack of consultation. It is hugely disrespectful to you to just unilaterally make a decision without discussing with you first.

Springing this upon you last minute - absolutely not ok, however I would think a conversation about this kind of possibility should have been had before starting the house purchasing process when kids are involved. At 19 they will still need a lot of assistance - somewhere to come back to during uni hols / if they struggle to find work / affordable rent / split up with girlfriend etc. I would have had a chat about that at some point - what support SC may need over the next few years / what would you be happy with.

When your DP announced it, how did you respond? Didn't you say "Shouldn't we have discussed this first?"

Also, do you have your own DC?

Look, living across two homes (as you’ve been doing) is VERY different from living together. Add into that a mortgage / shared mortgage commitment, and then add in a 19 year old man as a housemate to whom your partner has an emotional attachment, and then add in your partner’s rather presumptuous attitude to your shared house, and then add in your own speechlessness, and you’ve got a recipe for disaster.

Don’t say you weren’t warned. This will be a horrible shambles and you’ll (expensively) split up a couple of years down the line and rue the day.

First post nails it again.

Adult children do 'bounce back' for a variety of reasons. But there should be a discussion first, especially as he is not your son!

Does your DP have any other children? Do you have any? How many others could potentially end up in your new home?! Why would your DP think that no discussion of this was needed - is he putting more money in and therefore he thinks it's more his house than your (joint) house?
You need to sort this out before exchanging...