DP’s son moving in

Sometimes adult children come back, it’s fairly normal, your own child may move back too at some point, or want to stay for weeks during holidays.
what’s different here is that there has been no discussion regarding how your new arrangements are going to work.

Is the house big enough for his DS and yours to both be there at the same time? Who will be responsible for the extra costs, the cleaning, washing and cooking. Young men eat an awful lot of food! What will happen if he behaves badly- gets drunk, makes a lot of noise, has loads of mates round?

Ground rules need to be agreed.

You are not his mum, this must be sorted out before you go any further.

I agree and so you need to have the discussion now in full and not be censored by any 'but i feel bad it's his son i can't say anything' feelings, because he's dropped this on you out of the blue and it needs talking through not assuming it's fine with everyone. It's a big change to the living arrangements on top of the fact that it's your first house together and that can't just be done unilaterally. You may very well end up being fine with it but you still need to be consulted and heard without any guilt-tripping or bulldozing. Have the conversation today and don't either of you park it or squash it till it's properly talked through. This is a big marker for how this is going to work (or not) going forward.

But he didn't want to live with his dad when his dad lived alone? I'd be wary about exactly what role you are expected to play in the household.

I wouldn’t move in with him; you lose your autonomy and any privacy you currently have as a couple. If you’ve not exchanged I’d pull out; by not consulting you he’s shown he’s not a keeper.

This is something that should have been discussed in relation to all children before you even started looking to move in together. It's the unilateral decision that would bother me.

Whoa, haud the bus! He told you, he's not discussed it ?? There are 2 things there, you having an unexpected third party in your relationship and his lack of consideration.

How do you feel about it. Are you unhappy enough for it to be a deal-breaker. Personally, I'd be calling a halt to it, it's not the arrangement I'd agreed to.

And it is your home, after all, or at least it will be. You don't just draft someone else in to live in the house permanently without checking first - whoever else lives there has to be comfortable with it, because it changes the entire dynamic. It's also significant that the house is in your name and you're helping to pay for it - so of course you have a say in who lives there.

How would he feel if you announced that you too had decided your child was moving in?

It's certainly not acceptable for your DP to just announce out of the blue that his son will be moving in. However out if interest, if it had been discussed previously would it have affected your choice of property? Can you comfortably accommodate 3 adults (4 when your own DC is home) in the house your are currently purchasing?

In other words hes a lazy slob and has decided to move in so you can be his maid service

Even if you think it is okay for him to move in, please do have a discussion on boundaries/finances/who does what for respective DC etc. Otherwise it is just huge resentment in the making.

Dropped it into the conversation over dinner.

I mean .

Drop it into the conversation that you’re pulling out of the house move, that’s probably the best way to deal with it.

I more meant have you discussed the possibility that they might be with you more permanently in the future? Or is there an assumption that if they need to live with you (location/permanent residence when starting work, for example) that they'll be able to?

If you've discussed this with him and he's just deciding for you, that's one thing. But if you're also assuming that your adult child can live with you if necessary without having discussed that, it's different.

Them loving not living at home does t mean that after uni they'll be able to afford their own place.

So this is going to be you moaning at him now. And you are paying for this house!! The bloody cheek of your dp! Don't buy it!!

Of course it should have been a discussion.

Son is an adult. It would be unreasonable if it were a child. Is the son living with him currently? In any case, definitely needs a discussion. This is one of the main reasons I wouldn't want to live with my partner at this stage in my life - lack of control over who is in your space (beyond your partner, I mean).

Oh, then you are in more or less the same situation as me. Have you really bothered not discussed how all these different scenarios might work? Where will your DC go in the Uni holidays?

You have time to turn this around, but you need to TALK. You have both left this too late and neither should be springing anything on the other. Have you talked about what happens when your DC finishes uni? If not, it would be just as unreasonable of you to assume DP would be ok with them moving back home.

This is drastic but sensible advice. Red flag alert.

Definitely should have been discussed with you and not presented as done deal. It will affect your life - a 19 year old full time will have friends around, there will be more cleaning, shopping and finances are impacted.

Ignore this and you will have years of heartache. It's nothing to do with his son, it's your partner's attitude.

No!

This is piss taking behaviour.

Pull out of the house sale.

Your relationship will be over anyway as there is likely a reason this 19 year old man’s mother “moans” at him.

It does not matter how nice said son is moving him in without consultation is dick move. It changes the dynamics of the household completely and no doubt it would be you who is expected to adapt to the new living arrangements. Are you expected to do his laundry, cook, ferry him about, provide financial assistance???

And you're his DP, the one that will be moving in with him, he should have at least had a discussion before hand that it wouldn't only be the two of you, yet here he is telling you giving you no choice.

I'd also want to know why his mum moans, is it just because she's that type to moan or the DS expects her to run around after him.

Where does your child live? They need a home base even when at uni?

I don’t think it is wrong that DSS lives with you, he is his father’s son. We moan on here about how little men support their DC’s and here he is doing just that.

However, it is the way this has been done. He must have known that your adult child needs a home and has accepted that. You need to be given the information to consider his DC moving in.