DP’s son moving in

The OP hasn't said no. She's been taken by surprise by being told that another adult is moving into a house she is jointly purchasing with her partner. It would be very entitled to assume you can move another person into a jointly owned house, without any discussion, just because that person was one of your children.

I would not be buying a house with this man. Not because of his son but because he has dropped this on you at the last minute with no discussion. At least he mentioned it before you exchanged contracts on the purchase. This gives you the option of backing out.

Buying a dog or a cat is completely different thing, that's adding something that doesn't already exist within the family. This is a son that OPs DP already has and I don't think it's unreasonable of him to agree when his son says he wants to live with him. I would too if either of my kids said that. I wouldn't say I needed to consult my partner first.

The issue is that they never spoke about the possibilty of a child moving in even as a hypothetical scenario even though they both have children. I do find that odd, but in this case the DP didn't get lots of notice so couldn't discuss it with OP before they had found a house etc. As someone upthread said, they both made assumptions, but they made different assumptions.

OP has known about his son the entire time she’s been with him.

There has always been the potential for the son to live with them FT.

Don’t get into a relationship with someone with children if you don’t want to live with them.

In my experience, men have more reason to be fine because they are not usually the ones picking up the slack (cleaning/cooking/tidying up etc) of more people/DC in the space. You will be doing that, and it will be a huge issue for your quality of life! So, don't feel bad about needing a discussion on DC moving in!

I’m assuming there was already a bedroom planned for the son as he already stays with dad once a week.

My DS at 19 was at uni and also had a part-time job. In no way would I see that as moving out of home and so there was a bedroom for him to come back to.

Does your partner have other DC, does his ex have other DC, how much space is there at your partner’s current house?

I would have assumed you would have had a discussion before you got to house purchasing stage what you would do if either 19yo wanted to live with you. It shouldn’t always be assumed that mum’s house will always be default home. Most 19yos still live at home, including uni students. Many young adults well into their 20s still live at home.

We have a home here for DS when he finishes uni although he may probably need to live elsewhere for his job. If that is the case we will likely have to help with getting him on the first rung of the property ladder. Has that sort of thing also been discussed?

Luckily as you haven't yet exchanged, DP has his own place & you have yours. DP & his son can live at his and you at yours while you make long term plans

I would slow the process down. You chose this house considering your current situation, and it’s your first home together. You probably had alot of discussions regarding what you wanted, how you would envisage living together etc.

To use a cliche, twos company, threes a crowd.

I’m sure when deciding to move in together , you didn’t envisage becoming a stepmum to his son, having more washing to do, cooking, having another adult sitting in the lounge with you. (And you forgot ask , why is his mum moanibg? Is he a lazy git at home? Is he expecting you to do everything for him?).

Having his son changes the whole dynamic of the set-up.

There’s a material difference between a young adult man being moved in full-time without consultation, and a student staying for what sounds like a week or so a few times a year.

I would also say, with some kids it’s very obvious that once they leave for uni they won’t be back long-term because they are very independent. I haven’t stayed in a parent’s house for more than 5 nights in the 25 years since I left for uni. OP may just know this is what her DC is like.

You say there was no discussion about this but if he’s talking about bedrooms etc then this sounds like a discussion.

What sort of discussion did you have in mind?

I’m not sure why you’re so shocked.
Both of you have kids and there is potential for both of your kids to move in with you.

@maximusss

There is no way I would be tying myself to him now, you're lucky you've found this out now rather than later. Other people's children can be extremely hard work. And the resentment that he sprang this on you will most likely kill your feelings for him in the end.

I'm not trying to trip her up. I'm asking questions to help her see whether or not she's being unreasonable or what she needs to be thinking about.

If they're both doing the same thing, they need full on discussions about their plans. If it's just him making assumptions she needs to consider whether she's happy to continue at all.

Can you afford to keep your home as well, Op?
The red flag of no consultation makes me nervous.

It is not unusual to have young adult children live with their parents off and on until they settle into work, girlfrieds etc.

I would clearly state ...

• That it is not okay for DP to have offered for any person to share your new home without consulting you.
• That if DSS is moving in there will be strict boundaries.
• That there be an agreed age by which DSS will find his own accommodation, then only staying for odd visits.

Boundaries such as DSS cleaning his own bathroom, him cooking (and cleaning up) for you all once per week and you and DP similarly each cooking for the three of you once. The remainder of DSS food he buys and cooks for himself.
DSS does his own washing, has no overnight guests without asking BOTH of you, helps with household chores like mowing, bins out, washing windows, sweeping etc.
Think long and hard about the boundaries that mean a lot to you. Maybe you don't like sharing a kitchen or bathroom full time with a teenager.

It is an opportunity for your DP to show his DS how to live respectfully and learn skills of independent cooking, shopping, cleaning etc.

Agree that DSS has two chances - then is asked to leave if he is a problem to live with.

Discuss fully with your partner before the serious talk with DSS. As you are all adults, you have just as much say as your DP as to what will be tolerated within your home.
You are not talking as a step mother but as landlord/flat mate.

And?

How about you move in one of your relative's without discussion? "BTW honey, my mum's moving in with us!"

There wasn’t really a discussion to be had. DS arrived at DPs this week and said he’s living with him. DP couldn’t turn him away as he’s his son. So that’s the plan. He’s just keeping you in the loop as him and DS are also moving in with you, he’s not asking your permission to include DS in the plans, in DPs head they come as a package, for now anyway.

If you don’t like it, then stay put. He’ll stay put with DS.

We’re due to exchange on a house next week and last night DP dropped in to conversation over dinner that his DS will be moving in full time when we are in the new house.

😱😱😱😱

I would 100% be pushing back exchange and I would be REALLY clear woth the Solicitor NOT to exchange until you green light it.

He 'dropped [it] into the conversation'? Hell no.

If your partner has pulled something like this without discussion, what else will he pull? I'd be out of there.

Son or not, it still needs to be discussed. You can’t just move anyone into a shared space without a discussion. It also seems he is moving out from his mum’s because she is moaning at him. I wonder why that might be.

So lucky this happened before exchange. LTB. No one casually mentions to their partner that someone else is moving into their home.

But surely you can see it’s unreasonable to agree without even consulting your partner, the other house-owner? Wouldn't you think a man who even suddenly announced he’d bought a cat or a dog was being unreasonable if he hadn’t consulted his partner first?

Is your DP’s son being nagged by his mum because he is a messy teenager and she is fed up of clearing up after him by any chance? Does your DP pull his weight cleaning up when he stays with you or are they both going to expect you to be chief chef and cleaner?

@rockingroller The DS has only said he wants to move in and leave his mum last week! Difficult to discuss long ago when presumably the OP and DP thought he was with his mum. Now it’s all changed.

The DP should have found out why his DS wants to change? Bigger house? Nearer work? Fall out with mum? DS is working so can pay his way but parents cannot just get rid of dc and the DP here has presumably managed that for a number of years. Now it’s his turn.

However not discussing it with op is poor. I’d raise it with DP and find out why. Plus I would get a very secure financial arrangement drawn up if I needed to extract myself from the house as presumably there’s no marriage on offer.

Can’t believe the responses on here. It’s his son! Could you imagine if it was the mother wanting her daughter to live with them and the man said no. Unbelievable!

Give it a rest. She only found out last night this was being planned. I despise it when people on here try to trip up the OP.

Is there enough bedroom space to make the situation work if both your DC live with you?