DP’s son moving in

And there it is!

so he's stropping off to his dad to be messy there instead

@maximusss what would you do if your DD wanted to move back and your partner said no?

Are you buying the house 50/50 together? If so, I'd not be buying with him.

OP has already said that she assumes DP would allow her DD to move in with them FT.

We have no way of knowing how long DP & DS may have been discussing this, we only have his word for it that it was completely out of the blue and totally unexpected a mere week before they exchanged.

personally I find the idea that neither of them seem to have had the discussion or even thought about what happens if adult DC want to move in utterly bizarre.

In which case, OP would presumably discuss it with her partner before agreeing to it. Which is what’s missing in this scenario.

So will he be paying 2 thirds of the bills to reflect the third adults use of utilities?

you do have a point worrying that you would would let you child move back but not keen on his. Although the lack of discussion absolutely not acceptable.

what would concern me is he’s moving because his mum moans? So I expect he doesn’t do any housework and is lazy or disrespectful etc and you will have to tolerate this.

personally I’d pull out. Saying you stay at each others houses isn’t the same as knowing your partner and his kid will do their share of housework. I’d be worried I was walking into live in maid territory

Hmm unilateral major decisions = red flag

that said, most 19yo are still housed by parents / uni

So he's being lazy at home or not contributing or both and instead of listening to his mum he's packed his bags and stomped off to his dad's. After his mum has raised him 6 nights a week long term.

And his dad thinks this is absolutely okay, and along with that also thinks he can just announce his adult child will be moving into the house you are about to buy together with zero warning or discussion about how it will work and expectations etc.

Hell no!

To me there's an underlying misogyny here beneath the surface. A lack of respect for you and for DSS's mum as people that should be shown love and respect.

Don't complete/exchange on this house OP unless he can 100% put your mind at ease here. That would start for me with a full genuine apology that he didn't discuss it at all with you. Followed by him laying out how your adult children are expected to contribute to the house and be respectful of you both.

These aren't small children. It's. 19 year old whose mum has been no doubt asking reasonable things of him and he's stomped off to his dad's instead like a stroppy child.

No fucking way would I have my partners adult children living with me. I can’t believe this hasn’t been discussed before and it’s major red flag that it hasn’t! And now you seem to saying your own adult children may also come to stay/live at some point? And that hasn’t been discussed either? You two need to do some serious talking right now..

Pull out of the house purchase. Suggest you stay in separate homes until your children are 23 and have moved out.
I have a friend who went through similar ... intended to live as a couple and ended up living with two sets of adult children. It all finished in a messy and expensive split.

Good old MN!

Lets hope this is a reverse and see how quickly posters change their minds.

Less than 6 months ago I posted about my sister moving in with her DP and her DD wanting to come and live with them - every single poster said that the DD had as much right to be there and it was her home too etc.
Many said that he was controlling and abusive because he said there was no spare room and she should stay at her dads.
Not 1 poster agreed with his POV.

Now a very similar thing has happened and it’s the complete opposite responses.

When you get into a relationship and live with someone who has children, your home is their home.
End of.

If you don’t like it then don’t get into a relationship with someone who has children.

What’s the nagging about? Sounds like a red flag to me- is he very untidy/ lazy/ noisy etc
It absolutely should have been a joint conversation. Going from living alone to living with 1 person you chose to live with plus another you didn’t, is not an easy decision.
If it all goes ahead and son moves in, please don’t tip toe around any shit behaviour- he’s an adult and should be expected to abide by your house ‘rules’ or move out (clearly what’s happened with his mother).

Now I know this is his son, and I like him, but AIBU to think there should have been slightly more discussion on this? I worry about what else he will drop on me without notice or discussion further down the line. Maybe it’s me being dramatic, it’s just made me feel a little uneasy for some reason.

Erm… understatement of the year.

Are you usually so passive OP? My reaction to that would be “No, I don’t think so - not without a lengthy discussion and my deciding that it’s the right thing to do”.

How bloody dare he!

I would pull out - not necessarily bc of his Ds but bc this man obviously thinks he can ride roughshod over you and treat you like an absolute mug - and know he can get away with it. This isn’t normal behaviour at all.

So the son rocks up, without notice, and announces he's moving in with dad, because mam keeps having a go at him? What is she complaining about? What is it about him or his behaviour that she finds unacceptable? Will YOU feel the same? There's a reason he's 'flounced' - his dad needs to be asking questions!

My DP and i live together, are engaged and we have discussed before that his daughter could come and live with us and even how we would manage (her school is further away) and I would still expect him to discuss it fully with me before we went ahead! So you are not being unreasonable and this would really concern me. Particularly with an adult DC. Are they paying rent? How long for? what are the boundaries and ground rules? What if he brings someone back over night? Whats the status on girlfriends/boyfriends? What about home going out and coming in drunk? How will he contribute to chores. Its not just about yes/no. You need to work out all these things and more. AND you haven't lived together before. However well you know each other, living together is different and you don't have the designated 'space' to retreat to. So it will be even more stressful with 3 people working all of that out.

@Theeyeballsinthesky and your response if OP’s DD announced that she would be coming back to OP’s, would be? I know OP thinks that’s unlikely but I guess her partner thought that his son wanting to move in would be unlikely

That’s an option and the beginning of the end of OPs relationship. If that what she wants, then she should firmly put her foot down!

I think he should have discussed it with you but I don’t think you can say no.
It’s his son, and like you said your own DC might want to come back, you’d welcome that and would expect your husband to do the same.
What are your thoughts now, does the idea of living with his son put you off moving in with him?
Or would a firm.. I expect a heads up in future but of course he can move in do?
If it’s just the way he has gone about it that’s annoyed you would you have said no or yes if asked beforehand?
I have a stepdaughter of a similar age and I think my husband would have discussed it with me first but I also know if I were to object he’d say.. Well I can’t live with you, I’ll find a place of my own with my daughter.

Luckily DP still has his own place do DS can live with him there

problem solved

'That's nice dear. I hope it works out for you living with your son. I'll let the solicitor know we're not proceeding with the purchase"

Is it likely that his domestic habits are the reason why his mum is allegedly moaning at him? If so then housing a teen will soon get old in your lovely new home.

🚩 if his motivation for moving is because his mum moans at him, I’d be wary that there might be two sides to this story! My step daughter moved in with us full time aged 16 saying that her mum was always on at her and treated her unfairly… then when she moved in with us full time we realised why and that her mum had been valid in her parenting.

A sensible place to start if DP has a good relationship with your step-son’s mum, would be to get her side of what’s going on. Maybe there’s some collective parenting to be done so he doesn’t feel he has to
completely leave his mum, and could spend more time shared between the houses. Maybe some support for bio mum if stepson is just being a teenager and thinking grass will be greener on other side with dad. I know my DP jumped at the chance when my step daughter wanted to move in and just took everything she said about her mum as gospel.

Ultimately the things that had caused tension in her relationship with her mum started to cause tension in our house too and it was incredibly difficult. My partner insisted that age twenty she kept living with us, with no expectation that she contributed in anyway, because if we ‘moaned’ at her she would just go stay with her boyfriend for weeks and avoid our house so my partner didn’t want to do anything she’d take as moaning. In reality her pattern was to avoid or move on whenever anyone moaned at her.

I was never consulted about her moving in, I had no say in whether she had to contribute once she lived with us, and wasn’t allowed a discussion on if she kept living with us as an adult. I ended up leaving my fifteen year relationship.

I’d suggest you raise the conversation with your partner that you’re concerned he didn’t speak to you about him moving in first, and what both your expectations are around adult children living in the house and what you consult each other on in relation to your bio children, how long you both might be happy for them to be at home etc. How he responds to you raising these questions might show you whether not discussing it with you was a genuine oversight, or whether you’re about to buy a house with someone that will always “tell you” rather than discuss with you in relation to his son. The same should apply to you with your child, that you discuss things that affect both you and DP so this isn’t just a one way street x

@maximusss I would never put my DP in a position where he has to ‘hurt’ his son’s feelings and potentially damage their relationship just to live with me.

It won’t be forever. If you love your DP then let this ‘out-of-the-blue’ situation happen without resentment.