DP’s son moving in

OP. Honestly, YANBU.

But there are some on MN who hate Stepmums and will try to make you think you’re evil for not immediately going “yes, wonderful - you haven’t discussed it with me at all but il be delighted to have another adult, possibly two living with us in the new house we’re supposed to be living in together”.

You will get some responses painting you as the villain no matter what. Here in the real world - no one would think this was acceptable behaviour.

@Theeyeballsinthesky but why should mum be default home. I bet she is thinking time dad shared some of the ‘fun’ of having a young adult in the house.

Yes I'll be honest I'm starting to think that too

How is DP with discipline aka making his child behave like a grown adult, will he just shrug and say it doesn’t matter if his son leaves his stuff everywhere and never clears up after himself? Is he going to be charged rent, does your DP expect you to do all the housework and cooking once you’ve moved in? Just dropping this on you js really not on. A big conversation needs to be had over boundaries and house rules for all.

That's a shocking move from your OH.

Has his son been made aware that there will be house rules and that he'll be expected to abide by them, pay a financial contribution, keep his room tidy and do his share of chores? Perhaps pointing out to him that he wouldn't be having such an easy time might make him think twice. It sounds like he thinks he'll move in with you to get away from his mum having similar expectations of him.

I suspect one night a week at has dad's has given him a false impression of what will be expected of him if he lived there full time.

So if OPs DD left uni and wanted to go and live with her mum - you’re saying it’s ok for DP to refuse - even though it’s OP’s DD??

I am shocked how many people would put a relationship over their own kids.

If any man said my DD wasn’t welcome to live in our home then I’d be gone.

The outcome could be "I don't want to live with your son, so we shouldn't buy a house together"

That would be a perfectly reasonable position to take.

If the OP wants to explore the option of the son moving in, she needs an open and honest chat with her OH and then the three of them need to sit down together so that everybody knows exactly how things should work. In the three way discussion, OP will get an idea of how her DP is going to stick up for her in the house in the years (!) to come

OK, but why is the default living with mum?

Ok, so this is a wind up thread.

@Emptyandsad same can be said for when OP’s DD is in the house when home from uni. Why haven’t these discussions been had? If the DC were in their 30s it would be different but they both have 19yos, most 19yos would still view this house as somewhere they could live, even if only part-time.

My parents moved when I was at uni, there was still a bedroom/home for me at the new house.

He doesn't need somewhere to live

he has a perfectly good home that he's lived in for 19 years with his mum

what he wants is to leave there and amble off to his dads because his mum is "moaning" at him for being "messy". No doubt because he thinks dad won't mind him being messy

he's not being kicked out, he's choosing to leave

I brought up my 2 gc's from babies but my "nagging" meant one left suddenly to live with his mum. This meant he could live without rules and restrictions.

This is a red flag op although your primary one is your partner presenting this to you as a done deal without discussion. Alarm bells.

My nagging consisted of keeping him in college avoiding him being asked to leave, bailing him out for a serious car crash, motoring offences and police visits, falling in with a seriously bad crowd, unpaid loans from myself et al. Thats without disrespect in our home. He had a baby at 17. You need to know why he really left.

I know the feeling of acceptance being easier than ignoring that niggling instinct. Do speak up now op. Your feelings count. I put mine on the backburner and my gut was right.

Why does it need to be discussed?

There is always the potential that you have your child come and live with you.

There are hundreds of childless people out there - be in a relationship with one of them instead.

I have drilled it into my DD that she will always have a home at mine and if she ever needs to leave her home then she can turn up at mine no matter if it’s the middle of the night.
I don’t care if she’s 40 with 3 kids or 23 and 0 kids.

At 19, I would 100% have my DC live with me.
If my DH didn’t like it then he needs to leave and I wouldn’t want to be with someone like that anyway.

Jesus, I was about to say YABU, but you're really not! You're buying this home TOGETHER. That means big decisions about the home, including who lives there, get made TOGETHER.

On the one hand, obviously neither of you can deny the option of the other person's children living with you both. BUT it should be discussed in advance and you should agree some house rules that apply to everyone (especially where I suspect the DP's son is a pain in the arse if his mother is "always moaning" at him). Since you've never lived together, and all your respective children are adults, it would also be nice if you had at least a short period in the house together alone, to enjoy it and get used to it.

I'd just say, 'that's something we need to talk about in advance.' It's perfectly reasonable to say you don't want your partner's son to live with you as soon as you get the keys, as you'll need time to sort everything out. Tell your partner that obviously his son can live with you, but beforehand, the two of you need to sit down together to discuss how it will work, how things will work if all your children end up coming home at some point, and what the rules are that all the children must follow, how disagreements will be managed, how you will all split costs, cleaning, other expectations etc. Then you need to sit down together with his son and get his agreement. It's not something to just muddle through as things crop up; it's much easier if you tackle all this stiff and have clear rules in place from the beginning.

Also Op, you need to seriously consider the fact that this could be a long term thing.

My best friend moved in with her new partner (bought a house together) and this very same thing happened. Didn’t get on with his dm and friend accepted it (wasn’t particularly happy but had a good relationship with him). The lad was 20 at the time and ended up moving out last year at the age of 29!

If he is in a minimum or even average wage job it’s going to be very difficult for him to ever manage to afford his own place. Young people are living with their parents for longer and longer.

Me too.

Please pull out of this purchase and rent instead of you must live together, as someone else suggested.

Unless it always figured in your plans to play housemaid and surrogate mummy to a baby 19 year old.

And you'd better start laying plans for when the boy moves his girlfriend in too.

Id be pulling out immediately. I expect to ba asked before big decisions are made not after. That would be it for me. Game over.

As @Myfridgeiscool said, this is not a trivial thing, even if you think his son is lovely.

You both need to think about how his son will live with you? What are his comings and goings going to be, how will the logisitcs and finance work? Will you both get privacy still - not for sex but for just being a couple together

And also, I'm afraid, you need to have a discussion about how he thought this was not an issue that needed talking about.

You may be all fine but if this was me I would be very worried

I assume you've asked him why didnt he discuss this with you as it will be your house to, what did he say?

Of course there should be discussion, but what could the outcome be? If his nineteen year old son needs somewhere to live, the answer can only be yes. Even if he's not a good person, which doesn't sound like it the case there anyway.

That said, the fact that there was no discussion wound have me questioning the purchase.

It's easy for her to say she assumes he'd be ok when they haven't discussed it and it's not on the cards (atm)

I just find this whole thing baffling. How can two adults, both with DC have never once properly discussed what would happen if any or all of their DC all needed to move back & how that would work

It depends on the situation.

This man (and at 19 - he is technically a man) has been living at his DM’s the whole time the OP has been dating his df. OP has maintained a relationship with this man and agreed to buy a house with him on those (unspoken) terms.

It’s not really fair to then, without discussion (and this is the bit that is a huge red flag) decide to move your ds into the new house you are buying with your partner, end of, when they are about to exchange.

It (understandably) could change everything.

There should’ve been a conversation and the fact he is putting it forward as a fait accompli is very concerning and I’d be telling any friend of mine to put a halt to the house purchase.

His approach would be enough for me to pull out of the joint purchase, particularly as you’ve never lived together. Yes, going between houses allows you an overview of how the other person lives but it doesn’t quite allow you to see how they would co-own with you. I understand your partner wanting his adult son to be able to move in but the casual fait accompli he has tried to pull is a huge red flag. This change isn’t prompted by the need for bridging accommodation or a work need, it’s because he’s sick of his mum moaning at him. Why is she moaning at the son she has a primary maternal attachment to? Presumably because he is taking the piss. When he is at his more chilled (he thinks) dad’s is he less likely to take the piss? With this backstory I’d also be really worried about the dynamic with him as a permanent adult child in the house. They might end up ganging up on you being a nag/ uptight/ controlling. You may end up triangulated as the problem. Also people often drift towards the mean, will your partner also start “chilling” more about picking up after himself, getting to bed at a decent time, keeping on top of household admin?

The reasons for the change would also have me quaking as when my daughter moved in with us it was a temporary thing dictated by her placement nearby on a Graduate Training Scheme and she asked if she could stay with us, and we discussed it. In our case she didn’t make a financial contribution because it was a few months; we could do without the money without any hardship and we saw as part of supporting her in transitioning to an independent adult life and she was working hard on the career ladder. However it wasn’t just presumed by me.

Things like this have to be discussed and it’s a good idea for that discussion to include ground rules about housework, buying and sharing or not of provisions, timescales, financial contributions, rules about mates partners or hook-ups coming back to the house.

Your partner may well try to frame your objection to what he’s done as you telling him his son can’t move in and how would you feel if it was your daughter and take the stance of moral outrage but you must doggedly insist it is the way he has done it and the lack of discussion. When you co-own these things have to be agreed, as does making major changes to the property; remortgaging or getting household pets and normally the backstop is that either party has right of veto over significant changes.

If he’s a great bloke generally, I’d look into renting together first or moving into one of your houses and renting the other. I did this with my now husband; we spent a few years going between houses, then he moved in with me and rented his house for a few years and only after 7 or 8 years together did we buy a house together. By then I could be fairly sure he wasn’t a dick and so it has proved. Having married a complete tool first time around I was rightly cautious.