DP’s son moving in

Why does it need to be discussed? Err, look at the numerous posts on this thread. You may be happy with your adult children moving (back) in, but a new partner might not be and would surely deserve the respect of a discussion around it. Would never have occurred to me to just tell my mum I was moving back in with her in the first place, particularly not if she was on the verge of buying a property with a DP.

Questions:
How much is he contributing financially to water, gas, electric, council tax, wifi, household basics?.
Will he be cooking and cleaning up after himself?
Will his girlfriend be staying? How often?
What will the ground rules be for son?
What will he contribute to cleaning/maintaining g a nice home?
Who will do his washing and ironing?

Your DP is out of order for not discussing this with you.

Before my DH and I bought our first house together, he asked me how I would feel if either of his two (then) teenage children wanted to live with us. I asked him how they would feel about living with me.

It never happened. I'd had no part in their upbringing and only saw them occasionally, so I certainly didn't want to live with virtual strangers.

You have to make your feelings clear to your DP before the son moves in to your space.

Yikes. Can you pull out? How disrespectful. Ds sounds a nightmare.

You are not unreasonable to be annoyed and even questioning of future communication problems if your DP just dropped this on you without discussion. That's very autocratic. If you want to reassess your relationship along those lines that's perfectly valid.

But you knew he had a child. Just because a child is 19, doesn't mean he will be completely self reliant, especially with things being so tough for young people, with rents being ridiculously expensive, house prices often out of reach and one of the most difficult job markets for even young talented post graduates. I have two young twenty somethings still at home saving for their first home. I unfortunately cannot provide them a deposit so this is my way of helping.

It's unreasonable of you to object to this man wanting to provide a similar landing place for his son. Though I will say, it is very typical that SP men do not put their children front and centre in discussions when they embark on new relationships. They often treat them as background objects, then it all goes pear shaped when the new partner realises they will actually be a main feature.

No parent should tell their child they have to consider what their partner says first before they can live with them. You should both already be onboard about ALL the children you have between you and the relationship with all the kids should be of a decent enough standard that the child knows in the event of a crisis there is a place they can land at least temporarily without feeling like an unwelcome burden. Of course if they can contribute they should and should want to if they've been raised properly.

This is why a lot of these relationships where people have separate children with othersdo not work. They have put the kids away in their minds.

I think you should end it. The communication is bad, and I don't see things working out for all concerned. Definitely do not buy the house you will resent it.

I expect your partner is now going to be paying a larger portion of the mortgage as he is having another adult to live in the joint home.

Obiv all the bills will be 33.3% each adult living in the home...

There is a lot of discussion to take place before exchange !

Wow, I would be fuming. Why doesn't the son move in with your DP now? Why wait until you get a house together? Maybe he'd get a taste of how he actually lives and why his ex "moans" at him. You're right, it's the lack of discussion about another adult moving in with no regard for you. I would back out - it's not a great way to start the new phase of your life together and there is instant resentment there.

Of course it needs to be discussed. I covered it in in my previous post but:

• What is the agreed stance on rent
• What is the agreed stance on chores (especially as there already is a messiness issue)
• what is the agreed stance on girlfriend
• What about coming in late at night
• How do you deal with issues if boundaries are crossed.

And probably more. When my DP and i moved in together with my DC we talked about all of that and more and mine was 11! we even talked about all the above and we werent there yet. As a courtesy he should have discussed this with the OP and its very concerning that he didnt.

Screw that, I'd really consider pulling out. If he's capable of landing these decisions on you with no discussion the. It won't be the only thing. He obviously sees it as his house.

Hi @maximusss

I think if you both had adult kids it's understandable they could come back at some point. And if you're committed partners with a potential joint house then it's likely to happen and need to be accepted.

when I read your post, though, I just wanted to shout Noooooo don't do it.

Ive recently moved house and my DN lives with me as has been kicked out by his mum for same reasons. He's same age and is so messy and smokes weed. HE has no where else to go and has recently lost his job.
It's very difficult and is putting a huge strain on my household.

Your DP can look after his son in his place - but if I were you I would want to keep my bolt hole of my own space ... just in case the pressure becomes too much.

It's not the son moving in per se, it's the lack of respect towards you in asking for your opinion and asking for you to come to an agreement. This is huge.

I'd not exchange if it were me tbh, not until any issues have been resolved and you trust him going forward.

This.

OP - this is going to be a huge change for you presumably at a time in your life when your dd has gone off to uni and you are able to please yourself and move in with your dp. For him to dump it in your lap that you’ll now have his ds living with you who’ll be around every single day (and probably his gf too) is just plain wrong and obviously changes everything. You sounds very passive and nice and I’m thinking you’ll go ahead to keep the peace and sleepwalk into a very bad situation.

It’s ok for you to not be ok with this and if your dp loves you he will understand and see that a joint house purchase probably isn’t the best thing right now and his responsibility is to his ds, if that’s what he decides. Just stay in your separate properties for now.

Has your partner's house always been the weekend house for his son? I think that adds to the risk that he sees dad's as the chill, “fun” house which bodes ill for this setup. The worst case scenario is finding yourself “nagging” two eye rolling and resentful men and feeling like Nanny Fucking McPhee in your own home.

Exactly that

@maximusss assume you would have the same house rules as you would for your DD

I didn't read that poster's quote that way. I took it to mean that it's important to have these conversations before moving in together, let alone buying a house together, because the answer could mean the relationship isn't actually suitable long term. It is perfectly acceptable for a person not to want to live with their partner's adult child. As a parent, it's also acceptable to say your child, no matter their age, will always have a home with you. But if it's not clear what the red lines are in the relationship, then it's far too soon to be buying 50% of a property together.

I would pull out.

He’s allowed to want his son to move in with him but the complete lack of discussion and the springing this on you is a very big red flag of signs to come. The thinks it’s his house, his rules and you should just follow.

So he'll now be messy in YOUR new home? Ooh, no thanks. I'd be tempted to leave the pair of them to it, father and son, and see how long dad puts up with 'messiness'? Don't now be rushed into making snap decisions, and accepting things you haven't had time to process.

He definitely should have discussed it, no argument there.
However, he has a son and you have a daughter. How can you say no to his child but expect your child to live with you after uni. You say she probably won't, but you can't know that.
Put down house rules for BOTH children and make no differences.

Op. DDs at university come home after graduation in many cases. I’m beginning to think you should keep your own home!

Are you unable to use your words?
Did you just sit in complete silence?

You said he was talking to you about bedrooms etc - literally trying to have a discussion with you.

But a discussion does require you contributing as well.

Absolutely right. All these things should have been discussed at great length

The complete lack of communication in so many relationships is astounding. People find it easier to come on here and ask strangers on the Internet than they do to talk to the person that they love and who loves them

Mind blown...

Judging by the previous Mumsnet playbook in six months you’ll be on your hands and knees cleaning up after both father and son, wondering how you ended up as their servant.

I would try to rent with this person first before becoming so financially entangled with a joint mortgage. Or perhaps continue to live separately for a few years until both kids have properly flown.

This is what she actually said. She makes it clear that it's the lack of discussion rather than the son living with them.

Yes I completely get that in 2 years time they may come back (although I’d be surprised as they love not living at home!). For me it’s more the lack of discussion on something so big than his son actually being there.

@redboxer321 Why? The op is reasonable to say these things are a problem. They totally are! I’d be very cross with no consultation and my future being compromised. It’s not what she expected so why is it a wind up?