DP’s son moving in

No way no how

Proper discussions on bills, behaviour and how issues will be dealt with

I would never buy a house jointly with someone because of these kind of issues. Someone just deciding he can move another adult and their sexual partner into my living space without discussing it with me? Nah. Fuck that. Not because I don't want him to have his child around but because he unilaterally made that decision. No word of a lie, I would pull out. Even if we had that chat, I couldn't do it. Because he doesn't respect you, doesn't see you as an equal and doesn't understand how to communicate effectively about the way forward.

Biggest red flag, hell no ever that living together won't work. Cos he's not showing the skills to do so successfully

“they are aiming for exchange on Monday. I genuinely don’t know what to do.”

You hit pause! Say to your partner you will not be going forward with the exchange until discussion has been had and ground rules established. For example
-contribution/rent to be paid by son
-rules on tidying up after himself
-agreement on weed smoking
-how often his gf stays and whether she contributes
-etc etc

Do not allow yourself to be rushed into this, or you’ll be repenting at leisure.

"Maybe it's me being dramatic"
You have every reason to go fckng ballistic! He can't just drop that one on you without discussion, negotiation and joint decisions!
To do so is utterly selfish of him and completely dismissive of you. This is your life, your living arrangements, your home, for god's sake!
You need to tell your partner that this sort of thing MUST be negotiated!

quite. It’s pretty unlikely she moans at him because he cleans up the kitchen so thoroughly there’s nothing left for her to do, or because he’s such a great cook.

Agree. It smacks of wanting to slide it in under the door at the very last minute, rather than open up a conversation that might get sticky. Which is a sign of either conflict avoidance or control. Neither of which are good things.

YANBU. This is not his dad's home, it is a joint home with you, so decisions are joint.

You can delay exchange for a few days to talk it all through. But don't be pressured into making a life changing decision without thorough discussion first!

You will end up cleaning the mess.

Back out now.

I quite agree. I can hardly believe he just said his son was moving in - to your home - without discussing it. That was extremely high handed.

Is he some kind of leech,.he is an adult his son is an adult- let them buy the house between them or do they need you to fill in the blanks in the finances?

You telephone the solicitors this morning and instruct them to pause on the exchange.

You have a choice now. Stand up for yourself or be a doormat for these men forever.

This is a recipe for disaster and completely moves the goalposts.
You were expecting a quiet life with your partner with his son staying once a week and your son whenever he’s not at uni or travelling but now you’re going to have a messy 19 year old boy to clean up after too. All of this without a single discussion!
If your partner thinks it’s perfectly ok to suddenly announce this change in plans then I’d be worried about what else he thinks he can unilaterally decide on.

The lack of discussion would be very problematic for me.

As you say, it’s not about his son, or the logistics of all living together (although his presence will fundamentally change the dynamic in the house), it’s the assumption by your DP that he can make unilateral decisions about your living arrangements with zero reference to you - especially as the son’s obviously a bit of a PITA to live with, which is why his mum’s fed up with him. It’s your home too, and your financial investment that’s allowing his son to make this choice in the first place.

He may have (fairly) assumed that both your children have a right to regard your home as theirs too, but to move an adult child in with you full time without ever mentioning it before is bizarre. Who does that?!

My & DH’s living arrangements are about to change to accommodate our adult son, who’s lived away for the past 6 years. We’re very close and all get along really well, but believe me we’ve thought long and hard about whether this will work for all of us, and there’s been a lot of discussion back and forth.

It would make me feel very uneasy to be throwing in my lot with a man who thought it was ok to completely cut me out of major decisions like this.

This.

Sod the actual issue to hand. Merging finances with a man who seems to think he can be the sole arbiter of what happens in that shared home, and doesn't even need to tell you about it before the decision is made, let alone allow you a say?

God no.

It's not a red flag. It's festoons of red bunting.

If a teenager is trying to leave home because his mother wants him to act like an adult, you are being set up to be his servant. No way would I let a drug using man move into my house, especially not if he had no intention of being an active adult member of the household.

I’d be concerned that he’s thrown this on you at the 11th hour deliberately. Really bad.

It's pretty unbelievable that he hasn't mentioned this before now. For this to happen he's been speaking to his son about it? Even though it's his son he doesn't get to ride roughshot over you and do what he wants to.

As for being messy in a new home - fuck that... As for smoking weed - fuck that as well.

I would absolutely be up front in saying if he's messy i won't have it. I would also be up front to say if he's living there then he needs to pay his own way. That's what adult children do at home.

I would put everything on hold if it was me until i got some answers.

“slightly more discussion”?!

There should have been a lot more! This is a joint decision, not one to be made unilaterally.

On what basis is he moving in? Is he paying rent or because Dad said he can? what other decision(s) have been made without you knowing? it's his adult son who might just turn up with a drum kit, a pregnant gf and some unpleasant habits/issues. Just read about the weed. Stop now!! This is not going to improve in the next fortnight

God no, pull out.

You will end up being a housemaid to him and his son, and subsidising everything financially to boot.

A man who doesn't feel the need to tell you that his intentions for your shared new life and home involves your living with a young adult male whose own mum has booted him for being a 19 year old young man?

That's not a partnership. I'm really sorry, OP, but you need to at the very least trial living together in that situation in one home. before you lose your own and pool everything.

This just has complete nightmare written all over it.

And what if that happens next time there's an important topic to discuss?

Why haven't you gone nuclear on him?

How often the girlfriend would be there (he sees her every day)
Whether he’ll be allowed to smoke weed in the back garden.
This move has been prompted by his son leaving his mums as he was messy and his mum had enough!

@maximusss sounds like this is why he is no longer living with his mum as she has had enough of all of these things, and he will behave in the very same way. Maybe not right at the start, but it will creep in again.

I will say when we bought our current house, as our kids were adults we had to have them on the paperwork. I can't remember now if that was the mortgage or the property details, but I do remember having to add them.

I would have a chat with your partner and explain why you are hesitant about what he has suddenly dropped on you. Personally, I wouldn't be happy for his ds to move in and would stay living in your current homes. Then, when his ds moves out relook at buying again.

You also have a serious conversation about how decision-making between you works for anything tha affects you both (what else might he unilaterally decide in future?).

You said you've been living across 2 homes ans so know you can live with DP. But you dont' know that about his son, he's only there one day a week. If he's leving his mother's because of his messiness which he obviously won't do enough about or she wojldn't be moaning - then this could go horribly wrong once living with you. If he ignores his mother he's hardly going to listen to you is he?

Pull out of the sale, he can live with his father for long enough for you to see what he's like around the house. You and DP then discuss how it will work if kids want to live with you in a joint home, including tidiness, house rules, doing their own cooking & laundry and contributing to bills.

Neither of you have prepared enough for the reality of living together in a joint home and sharing lives. Pull out of the sale.

Pause the exchange while it's discussed, until it's resolved to your satisfaction. Let him know there'll be no drugs on your property, send him the chores rota in advance, and give an estimate for his share of the monthly utility bills, then see how he feels about moving in after that!

Smoking weed in the back garden … I didn’t need to read any more, it would be an absolute no from me, tell him he needs to rent a flat with his girlfriend and then he can do what he likes.
I’d have a very serious conversation with your partner OP especially as it’s only a week away from signing!