DP’s son moving in

Don’t allow yourself to be pushed into a decision you are unsure about because of the time pressure. It’s your future as well as the future of your DP and his son. It will be much worse if it all goes pear shaped 2 years down the line. Give yourself space, allow yourself the time to think. It is alright to say no, this isn’t what I want. It doesn’t make you a bad person if you don’t want to live with his son.

Wow, this is crazy, not having an adult son move home but rather the complete lack of consultation! This guy is either:

A) utterly braindead
B) has zero respect for you
C) is worryingly manipulative

None of the options scream happy ever after to me! Be strong and tell that solicitor to pause indefinitely

I can’t believe you are being so passive about this ? If you are paying half the mortgage and bills etc then these are joint decisions. How would he feel if you announced “my mum is moving in?”. Having a 19 year old around (and I have one !) , in and out at their leisure, cooking and washing clothes in your space when you want to (unless the assumption is you are doing it) will become tiresome. It will affect your relationship. You will become the 3rd wheel here. It would be a showstopper for me and I would pause the house purchase until it’s sorted. After that it will be an unpleasant fight and you are stuck with someone who makes decisions without you and a house.

Lack of consultation when it’s your new house too - unacceptable.

if he moves in and you hate living with a messy weed smoker, will his Dad tell him to leave? I doubt it, but you’ll still have to pay the mortgage. How will you get out of that situation? What about the ever present girlfriend is she effectively moving in as well?

I agree that pausing the exchange is the way to go.

he can stay at his fathers for say 1 year/18 months and you can observe what happens from your own house. I suspect that his sons moving to the other house wont happen and somehow it will all be the OPs fault for being unreasonable/a bitch (other epiphets available).

Contact the Solicitor and tell them to delay the exchange. Do not allow yourself to be swept along because you are so close to the deadline. The more I think about it the more it feels like your partner planned this. His son could have moved in with him at anytime if he was so keen to have him. I think you are being lined up as cook, maid and housekeeper to two lazy men.

Take control.
Ring the solicitors and tell them to pause this.

But I bet he will lie and say and promise anything to get this over the line.

Never trust him again.
He thinks you're a fool.

Your DH is not unreasonable to want to allow his son to move in. Absolutely isnt.

Your DH & YOU are unreasonable to not confront the elephant in the room before you exchange on a house. The lack of communication is a disaster waiting to happen and for the sake of your future you should cancel the house move until you have had a period of talk.

Not only will it allow you both to deal with this matter in an adult fashion, without the blackmail side of things that you really have little choice in the matter. It will also stand you in good stead for future issues where he knows you will absolutely stand your ground if he thinks he can throw a grenade into your relationship.

These kind of things take a reasonable conversation, long before you even think about buying a house.

Tell him to let them move in together and let him be his sons new skivvy.

That house will be a shit hole in no time if you aren't skivvying every day.

Such an unbelievable situation.

No good man would do this.
I suspect he knew this was coming down the line.

He already thinks you're stuck.

Do the math as to just how much it will cost you to get out of the house when you are stuck.

He's banking on that believe me.

Better you back out now.
HE pays costs to this point as HE completely changed the agreement.

Woman up.

This relationship needs to be over if you have an ounce of sense and care about your children.

Stay put.

This is terrible. He’s really shifted the goal posts. I can imagine you thought you were moving towards the next stage, romantically moving in together and sharing a home. He probably thinks great I’ll get a housekeeper. I would phone the solicitors and say you can’t exchange on Monday. I would suggest the best situation would be to continue your current living set up. The son can move into his house and the partner can stay at both houses. There will be other houses in the future when the son has settled elsewhere.

I’d feel sick too - but I’d also be very very angry that DP has manipulated you into this situation. It really doesn’t bode well for your long term relationship if he can do this at this stage.

Crikey this is hard OP!
You need to let DP know that this has upset you by not being discussed - don't hide your feelings on it. However, it's happening now, and the absolute essential is that you and DP agree (together, not with DSS) and set down ground rules for him when he moves in. If DP won't agree to this completely reasonable request I would reconsider the purchase. Don't exchange until you have this sorted.

I would assume you would jointly set ground rules for your own DC if they were to wish to come to live with you too, so this isn't just aimed at DP's son.
As you say, it's blindsiding you with this that is the problem, not really the fact that DP's son will be coming.
I hope you get this sorted but you have to air this now with DP.

Good luck

Contact them and pause the exchange Op. Yes, you knew his DS might move in one day but if his DM can't cope with his behaviour it will be far worse for you. Tell your DP you'll go on with the exchange only if he sets ground rules in advance, his DS hasn't given a thought to you, he thinks Dad will let him do as he likes and he's probably right.

I agree wholeheartedly with this.
Don't put yourself in a position that's going to possibly cause you problems that will be difficult to resolve.

Did you discuss it after your DP bought the subject up?

There's so much more to this than your DP's son just moving in. Part of me thinks this was planned between the two of them.

What you have to do now before signing anything is decide whether you want to live with 19 year old that is untidy.
Is his dad the type that will tell him there's rules or more leave it to you to sort out.

What are the expectations for your DP son in paying towards the household finances?

Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

I really hope this is a wind up thread because I don't think the OP is listening and is just going to allow it to happen. A real shame.

Have you not had any prior discussions about bedrooms for your teenage children? It isn't unforeseeable that one or both would potentially need a room at times over the next decade or so to be honest

The only way out of the stress is to pull out now. It won't get better.

This is one of those rare MN posts where everyone is in agreement

So - have you spoken to him this morning?

Have you phoned the solicitors?

The longer you leave it the more unfair it is on everyone in the chain.

This.
OP,
I can't believe your passivity.
Your life first.
Your "partner" is a cheeky c*.

They love it! The more skunky the better!

The fact that your partner sprung this on you as a fait accompli a few days before exchange is a massive red flag. And the reason the son has for moving in is a red flag as well.

It's easier said than done, but I would want to pull out of the purchase.

I would be furious with the lack of communication around it.

Realistically, you can't say no. It's his son. Just as you wouldn't turn your own kids down. But it's a conversation.

I would not want someone smoking weed in my back garden - hard no. I wouldn't be mad keen on the ever-present girlfriend either.

I really feel for you - this is a crappy situation to find yourself in at this stage.

I said this is a wind up thread because it sounds so unbelievable to most people that you could even think you are being unreasonable or dramatic given the OP and even more the updates.

The son is the least of your worries. Whoever said you might be in an abusive, controlling relationship is dead right. Even if not, you're being totally disrespected and, should you go ahead with the purchase, it will likely only get worse regardless of whether the son moves in or not.

I think it would be best to pause the purchase, or even better pull out, have some time away from your partner and seek therapy. Sorry.