DP’s son moving in

As much as I agree with others that he is your DP son, I don't agree with him inviting himself to live in another person's house without a full conversation with you before doing so.

At 19 the DS is quiet capable of having a discussion about it with you himself, to me that kind of says in his eyes that it's his dads house and you follow along with their choice.

If he's working, he can move into a house share. You might like him as a weekly visitor to a house that isn't his dad's but things will change once he's got his feet under the table and for the worse. I bet DP has known about this for a good while and not mentioned it to you which is really underhand. You've had no time to think about it, discuss house rules, cleaning rotas, rent to be paid by him etc and I'd be thinking that even if he agreed under the pressure of time to house rules and conditions he'd renege on them once you're tied in to a mortgage with him. Why hasn't your DP told the little scrote to stop being such a disrespectful fucker to his mum and to get his act together?

Play hard ball with the pair of them and mean it.

I would not be moving. The whole dynamics have now changed. By all means he can move in with dp at his current house and then you can see how it goes but I would not be moving in at the moment

I agree - this was possibly the only way he could afford to buy a bigger house that would accommodate his son (betting OP is going from a 2 bed into a 3 bed… so she is underwriting the uplift in the property of the DP so that he can move his DS in).

OP is focussed on not being consulted - but she is missing the bigger picture: her DP has lied and mislead her as to his intention and is only now revealing his true motives because he thinks she cannot go back. It was always his intention to buy a house that would be a home for his son.

This would actually be relationship ending for me.

Is your partner in a position to purchase the new house on his own? If so problem solved if not I think you do just have to say " Right now I need to hit pause on the exchange, sorry but I do." Is your house going at the same time, ie. Monday? Or are the sale/purchase not linked? Either way this is too big a deal to simply ignore and carry on.

This isn't going to end well
Best of luck
I agree with all the pp who say pause the exchange

Remember it’s your life, you have to be happy and excited about what is a huge purchase and commitment. Lots of people pull out of exchange at the last minute. You can’t agree to your 50% until you know what’s happening. He might still be able to buy on his own but the documents would need to be revised. Either way no exchange on Monday, you need to let the solicitor know now.

Call your solicitor now and postpone the exchange of contacts. You must not continue without proper advice.

And by the way, your sex life will tank - not just from the lunking presence of a late-teenager, but from the resentment and betrayal you feel.

Some men will put up with a lot of unhappiness and hurt in their partner as long as they're getting their basic needs and comforts met... 😠

Weed smoking in the back garden (yeah, right ... like it's going to stick to that when it's blowing a gale and raining hard).

Girlfriend pretty much guaranteed to move in.

Incredibly messy and would rather move in to your new home than actually tidy up - please note he hasn't been told to sort himself out or move by his mother, he just doesn't like her 'moaning' about his messiness.

Utter lack of consultation about him moving in and no mention of any contribution financially or helping with household chores (hint: because there won't be any).

If you haven't already called the solicitor and asked them to please pause the exchange then I really don't know why and it's not fair on the sellers.

There's a reason he didn't tell you until it was almost too late. I'd pull out of the sale. He's had this planned all along. Who's paying the extra food and fuel? He could be with you for a decade. Children don't leave home as early now.

Expect to become the villain of the piece, be gaslit, shamed and anything else at his disposal to try to push you into agreeing. If you want to retain your independence and not be housing an adult who is not your child, you'll have to be strong x

I think he's had this planned all along. Very sneaky.

So why aren't you asking your partner these questions?

@maximusss his son moving in if he was a sensible adult is one thing.

moving in an expecting no boundaries an to be able to do the things he isn’t supposed to do at his mums - absolutely not.

no weed allowed. Inside or out. First impression with neighbours having to smell it be favourable.

no contribution financially. Again nope. He needs to be accountable an contribute to this and keeping the home clean.

mess. Nope. His room and the home need treating within your standards.

girlfriend practically living there. Nope.

has partner even considered what it will be like if he lives with you and continues with the behaviour he’s not allowed to do at his mums?

no no no. I wouldn’t be moving forward if partner can’t see why this is an issue. To
not even discuss it with you and announce it as fait accompli. Nope.

This.

Also agree - you call the solicitor now and tell them to pause immediately.

You also text DP and tell them you have done this as you are not willing to proceed if his DS is moving in.

I bet he calls you before lunch time…

Since he’s an adult, I wouldn’t allow this. I’d be pissed off at your DP for assuming he could just live with you both as well, there should have been a discussion. I’d pull out of the house and maybe the relationship.

You seem quite passive OP. If you let this move go ahead no doubt you will be back complaining of all the problems that can be expected, smoking weed, mess, not contributing financially etc.

Pull out of this purchase. This behaviour could be the thin end of an unpleasant wedge.

You need to get on to the solicitor IMMEDIATELY. Fridays are busy days for them, as that's the day most people complete. If you leave it until your DP phones you in his lunch break, it might be too late to get in touch with the solicitor. That's if your DP even calls you! - as it seems he doesn't believe in discussing important life decisions.

So tell the solicitor NOW that they need to put the exchange on hold.

Then sort this out with DP later and set out how you feel. He is being disrespectful and unreasonable to drop this on you with no discussion. Sorry, but you are being incredibly passive about it. Why on earth didn't you speak up when he dropped this bombshell?

Not sure why you are asking me, I am not the OP. I was responding to you saying discussing with your partner prior to moving your adult children in is not required.

This. He's already shown he has form for being sneaky. He may get angry, but he may also seem to capitulate and say 'Okay, just the occasional sleepover then...'

Then surprise! The sleepovers start to last weeks, then months... then a sudden catastrophe means son and girlfriend and weedy friends just have to stay over... You'd be living with this sword of Damocles hanging over you...

If someone is putting you in any situation where they have time to think and you don't, you have to insist on the time to think.

I'm sorry because I know how upsetting and stressful this must be. But this is your last, best opportunity to defend yourself. I'm sure we're all cheering you on and wishing the best for you. 🤗

He has someone else to live. Notwithstanding that it’s the lack of consultation and assumption (and the fact the 19 year old has told his dad he is moving in) that it’s ok that’s the issue. Would matter if they were female and the mother wanted it , she still has to ask.

Just read about the smoking weed. In your position he wouldnt even get over my doorstep, never mind live there. I wouldnt have a weed smoking teenager anywhere near my house.

You are setting yourself up for misery with the son and the father

Don’t wait till lunchtime, call the solicitors now and tell them you can exchange on Monday as something has come up. Then tell him at lunchtime that you aren’t ready to proceed until you know what the future living situation is for the son, as it wasn’t expected for him to live full time with you only one day a week.