DP’s son moving in

Do you honestly not see that the issue here isn't whether the son moves in, it's the fact that it was just dropped on OP? That isn't about whether or not it's the son's home too, it's about OP's partner deliberately manoeuvring this to ensure OP gets no say. Are you really saying that because OP's a stepparent she isn't entitled to any?

Besides which, if the boy's mum is moaning at him this much it sounds like he's somewhat difficult to live with. Why should OP be landed with his bad habits when even his own mum seems to be struggling with them? Yes, people absolutely should still feel welcome in their parents' home once they are adults, and feel it's their home too when they are there, but that doesn't necessarily mean carte blanche to live permanently in said home if they can't behave with consideration. Sheesh. 🙄

No 19 yr old man who dissrespects his home enough that his mum wants him gone is going to suddenly treat his fathers 'partner' with any more respect. He is going to play you like a fiddle and his dad will stand by and watch

It worries me how the OP hasnt taken this all on board and made the call.

Strikes me if this is true life is going to get extremely complicated for her. Take control of your life back and ensure your child at Uni doesnt come home to a warzone.

I appreciate you are torn as you hope your child may return one day and that may reek as double standards. But you have not thrown this into the situation like a hand grenade like your partner. You still have all the control, do not let it go.

I think this is concerning - of course everyone wants to put their kids first and that's the right thing ... but your instincts are also right. Its very weird your partner did not talk about it first and give you both a chance to nut out how it would work and set boundaries. Its likely his son does not experience boundaries at his dad's house ... what's that going to look like at your house? How are costs going to work with having another adult live there?

He's messy enough to the point that his DM has had enough of him, and he also smokes weed in the back garden.

If you let him move in your lovely new house will be a shithole before you know it.

I think it is imperative that you call the solicitors today to pause the exchange while you have a serious and frank discussion with your DP. I would not be allowing his DS to move in with you on those terms. Tbh if it was me I would be pulling out of the house sale altogether due to the fact that your DP dropped this on you last minute without any discussion. That is a serious red flag and it doesn't bode well for the relationship at all.

This is one those happenings that seem disastorous, but with hindsight are a gift, because now you see the truth of the relationship, before it is too late, just in time to pull out of this purchase.

You are not respected, not consulted; what you are is half the costs of buying a home and all the clearing-up-after and too-late parenting of your partner's adult child.

He announced what he and his son are planning to do (to you) in your new home. Fait accompli. That says everything about the power dynamics between you. The second most telling part is why his son has chosen now to move in. What was wrong with his father's previous home, other than it lacked a live-in domestic skivvy, tied by joint ownership, trapped by finances.

Run!

I don't think I would continue with the exchange if I were you He clearly sees the new house as 100% his and nothing to do with you. To have a messy, weed smoking 19 year old move into your new house with no discussion, would be a no from me. There would need to be discussion. Rules. And then much more discussion. I am so annoyed on your behalf!

You've got to talk about it; don't censor yourself because it's his son and he should be welcome. Ideally he should, but even in a case of a son who'd lived away wanting to move into a new house with BOTH parents I'd expect a discussion before either parent unilaterally said yes. This sounds like the son just announced to his dad that he was moving in so it's probably not a case of your partner making extended plans behind your back. But I would still worry that even if your partner doesn't blanket assume he can can do what he wants about the house without consulting you, he's apt to be pushed around and backed into corners by his adult son. That's not OK when there's a shared household and relationship to consider, and making that clear to him doesn't mean you dislike his son or don't want him around.

I think a messy weed smoking son is enough for me to say no thanks and pull out of purchase. This unilateral decision is not a partnership. It's fairly obvious with your child effectively still living at home that they will be living with you on and off, but his son has a home and is working. Telling you this late in the process is not enough time to discuss it, trial it, talk about house rules which would be for me would be a long list. My rules would include no weed at the house, no smoking at all, girlfriend stay over once a week cam visit 3 evenings or days, 1/3 of all bills extra of girlfriend is staying, including food but possibly get him to buy his own food as you'll be feeding girlfriend too, cleaning rota, no noise after 10:30 pm etc all the things that you would expect of your DC or a lodger for that matter. There should be a large rent payment not towards mortgage but as savings for him a deposit for getting out of your house and into his own flat asap. And where would your child stay? Honestly I'd be angry at the way it has been sprung on you.
There's definitely a reason his own mother has had enough!

I was wondering that too. Sounds mad

It wasn't discussed so it's not happening until it is discussed and it would be foolish to assume it's going to on this basis, is the line I'd take. Also, why are you expected to pay for somewhere for his son to live?

You need to say this and not go ahead with the exchange until you have this sorted. Remember, if you exchange and pull out the seller can sue for the rest of the money, not just the exchange amount.

YANBU. Sadly in my experience this kind of thing only tends to get worse.

In your shoes I wouldn't go ahead with the house purchase, sorry. I actually feel angry for you that your partner thinks you're just a passenger to be told things are happening rather than consulted on them. He may be your DP's son but you are his partner and decisions should be made jointly.

Are you renting now or selling your own home? If it's your own home, even more reason to pull out altogether. At least you'll have somewhere to live still and control over what happens under your own roof.

There is an OCEAN of discussion to be had here. No way would a 19 year old man be moving in to my house without paying his way and he certainoy wouldn't be smoking weed in the garden or having guests round every night.

ETA: And I guess you will moan about all the same stuff his mum moans about (the weed, the visitors and the rent!!)

Haven't rtft.
I would be having major second thoughts right now in your shoes.
He's sprung it on you now thinking it's a done deal. No way would I be agreeing to living with his adult son who disrespects his mother's house so much. He won't be any better at yours and will have even less incentive to be amiable to you.
Friend of mine has been through similar recently - Disney dad and adult son at home taking the piss. They've split up over it.

Yes to all this.

Don’t do it, don’t do it, don’t do it!!!! You be will be the live in housemaid for lazy men. Your”D”P doesn’t care whether or not your kids move in because he has low standards and would never be the one picking up after them (and yours are probably well brought up anyway). This young man’s own mother can’t cope with him, what makes you think he will respect you? Your P certainly doesn’t respect you. Seriously, you will regret this forever, do not exchange contracts!

Do not finalise op. Cancel the sale! Contact the solicitors and stop it all moving forwards.

Reading about the lazy & messy behaviour (as I expected), as well as the weed smoking and the girlfriend he sees everyday (so likely two adults in your space!) it's even more of a hell no from me as it was when I first commented.

Put off moving in together. Stay living apart for longer. Until both of your adult children have fully flown the nest. THEN maybe think about it.

This. The son's behaviour is as much a red flag as your DP's. Unless you're very tolerant of mess yourself, you'll be the loser. Your DP should be telling his son to show his mother more respect, not foisting the problem on to you.

You tell the partner at lunchtime that it wasn’t the plan that the son and possibly his girlfriend move into the new house full time and so you have instructed the solicitor that you can’t exchange on Monday and then tell him that you are planning on pulling out of the purchase, as it would be better to continue in your current set up until the son is settled.

This is clear code for his mum expects him to actually clean up after himself. He will be a nightmare to live with, OP. I would object on this ground alone.

God I'm raging on your behalf the more I think about this.

I'd be pulling out and telling them both to fuck off.

This is utter madness to spring on you when you’re finally moving into your new place together!!! It should have been discussed well in advance and he should have asked how would you feel about it, rather than “this is happening”.

Op you are buying into the 19yearold and his father's misogyny here. Does it not occur to you that you will probably end up feeling exactly the same? Will you feel inhibited from 'moaning' because the men will belittle you and say "oh god you are as bad as mu mum/ex!"

OP you've got nothing to feel sick about.

Your partners behaviour is appalling.

Decide how you want to proceed and stand strong.

So fucking disrespectful that he didn't even consider discussing it with you. What a twat.

And your poor DP's son - he deserves a living arrangement that everyone discusses and decides as adults so he feels safe and welcome.