DP’s son moving in

Sounds like it was a surprise to your partner as well so it is not his fault....

Parents often live with adult children as it is do expensive for them to move out, it's nice that his son wants to live with him.

I would always put my child first so if you refuse it could cause problems in your relationship.

Unbelievable! Definitely don't buy the house with him.

How would you feel if he announced his mother was moving in ... Or his brother??
It's not the fact that it's his son... It's the fact he assumed you'd still be paying 50% for a house you will be able to use a lot less of and have a lot less privacy. And sharing with another adult without even the courtesy of asking you.

This is a made up scenario.

Both men need to understand DSS will get a load of grief from you, via his father, if the expectations aren’t met

Unfortunately most of these "expectations" would appear to be OP's, @grumpygrape, and I'm not sure why the DP - who's already treating her with something worryingly close to contempt - would be expected to step in?

Why would a working adult even want to move in with his dad and partner?

Because his mum has more or less thrown him out. There's nothing to suggest this isn't a genuine OP.

This is his doing- not yours. He changed the whole setup without prior discussion. I think you will regret moving in with his son + gf if they are messy and smoke weed. You will be everyone's cook, housekeeper etc. And dss might not expect to pay rent/groceries- those subjects need to be discussed with everyone involved.

Sorry, too late to edit but I meant to say, this was a bit tongue in cheek because I can’t see this happening and I agree OP should pause or back out on the exchange.

I don’t think this thread is genuine.
No one would allow themselves to be treated like this.
And why would a working adult even want to move in with his dad and partner?
Not genuine.

DP's bombshell is a ''big thing'' in so many ways. Just to ''inform'' you - at very last minute - as you are supposed to complete in literally hours - could be less than 72 hours - absolutely Not acceptable. What other shocks has he got up his sleeve? Hope you don't have a weak heart!!

So what are you going to do?
Personally I'd pull out. You didn't agree to this. Just keep your separate homes and carry on as you are, and he can live with his dad.
There's no benefit to you joining households now. Wait until all the young adults have their own places. What if your daughter needs to come home and her home now has a lazy weed smoking man and his gf in it alongside her mum's bf? Can't imagine she would ever want to come home in that situation and as a single parent myself my main priority is to always be able to offer my DC a safe place to stay if they need it.

Your partner having his son living with him (regardless if it's his own house or joint) full-time has always been a possibility, no matter how small that possibility may have been

This is true and comes up on most threads about step children, but the DS isn't a child and I'd have thought expectations about moving in would lessen as they reach adulthood and other options become available (and especially once working FT)

I agree, though, that this is more about the lack of any discussion, which is why I'd personally go right on living apart

Looks like OP hadn’t really thought through the scenario that her DD might want to move back home at some point either.

If you have been living in separate house for a while, is the thinking now that both DC are 19 they won’t need to live with you anymore. Personally I think that was probably naive, especially in this day and age with property prices and job markets like they are

And was that young person a messy drug addict with a Velcro partner?

The partners son in this case already lives with a parent who has had enough of his behaviour. He can still go and live with his father if that’s what they both want. OP doesn’t have to be part of that though.

In view of your reply, I find it more than a little surprising the subject couldn’t have come up at a much earlier stage.
Would it be worth your while bringing all this up with solicitors? Esp. as you only describe this person as ‘Partner’?

Oh and no, you bleeping well do not need to consult with your partner before pulling out of this purchase. Do what is best for you and your daughter, do it unilaterally, and do it now, before offices close for the weekend. You can hash it out with him at length later.

First off I would be extremely annoyed at being given a fait accompli.

However, if you are prepared to go ahead, there needs to be a discussion, first with just you and DP, and then including DSS.

Covering how DSS has to share the cooking, cleaning and other chores (as I’m sure his father does), including doing all his own laundry, and contributing proportionally to household bills, And that’s before adding the girlfriend into the mix.

For me, smoking weed in the garden would be a dealbreaker, but you may have different views.Remember though, that he’ll have to keep it somewhere, presumably in the house…..?

Both men need to understand DSS will get a load of grief from you, via his father, if the expectations aren’t met.

But I’m a miserable old bat and however pleasant a 19 year old is I wouldn’t tolerate them being messy or taking the piss in my, albeit half owned, house.

Your partner having his son living with him (regardless if it's his own house or joint) full-time has always been a possibility, no matter how small that possibility may have been.

However, your partner should have discussed this with you, before agreeing to allow his son to move in full-time. It's not as simple as the son moving in! What rent (if any!) will he be paying? What will the expectations around chores/keeping his room tidy be? How often will his girlfriend be staying overnight (too much, and she'll need to make a financial contribution!!)? What happens if his son doesn't do as he's being asked? Is your partner willing to put in consequences or will he bury his head in the sand?! This has to be agreed by both of you. It's a home you both will jointly own and live in. The same principle applies to your own child, with regards to rent etc, if yours comes back to live full-time.

The fact your partner hasn't discussed the situation, for me is worrying. The fact the son's own Mum is unhappy with his sloppy ways, doesn't bode well. If your partner isn't willing to parent his son if he starts being a slob, then you will have a massive problem on your hands.

Yep.

If your dp wants to pull this stunt off at the 11th hour, what else is he planning or expecting you to tolerate.

Your head is in a spin because you’re being blindsided. Think with your head not your heart. Going forward and regretting it could be a very costly mistake, both financially and emotionally.

Ga

You know I meant the op has just found out her dp feels entitled to make unilateral decisions, not that she's just found out he has a child.

I'd definitely be pulling out of the exchange. Even if your DP agrees with you today that his son isn't moving in, once you've exchanged he can simply change his mind.

I agree this is more about the fact your DP is simply telling you this, not consulting you, which says a lot about what he feels about you. But even if this is the case, there's no way I'd want to live with a 19 year old that isn't mine (and tbh I find my own hard enough), let alone a 19 year old that you know smokes weed, is very messy and has a girlfriend who stays with him and whose mother has issued him with an ultimatum. What a disaster!

Honestly, it's advanced cocklodging really. Two cocks. Run twice as fast.

And living separately is what i'd go right on doing, given that you seem to have linked up with someone who hasn't even the courtesy to discuss such a major issue with you

So another red flag is that DH is just railroading the mother; the issue is that DSS is a lazy, layabout, annoying little sod (whatever he has been doing to piss off his mother that she has got the to "no more" point), and DH thinks all this will be solved by SON MOVING IN"???

No mention of taking accountability for his behaviour?
No mention of looking at what got him to this point

No accountability
No change to behaviour

So basically son is free to come live at your new house with all his bad behaviours, no boundaries and free rein!

Very worrying traits your DH has...

You can't talk to your partner while he is at work today, are due to exchange on Monday and "feel sick about the whole thing". That is your gut giving you the answer! Call off the move today.
One thing I didn't understand is that somewhere upthread you said your son at uni might me 'moving in' at some point too. Don't uni students just come home, not 'move in'?