DP’s son moving in

OMG you’re crazy if you go through with this. This is no way for a relationship to be - he has no respect for you at all & this will not get any better.

Call the solicitor and pause the exchange!

It’s made up because you made it up. OP has given no indication this was an expectation or that she hadn’t discussed it with her DP. You have no idea she has made an assumption her child could move back in on a permanent basis without discussion or agreement with her partner. Projecting a scenario onto the OP is just that.

How many bedrooms are there and would a permanent bedroom for your DP’s son mean your kids/guests couldn’t stay?

Personally I would pull out of this purchase unless there’s some major backtracking and open discussion.

Please stop making things up. It's not helpful at all.

Those who are saying this is made up and would never happen sound a bit naive/lacking in ability to think outside their own experiences tbh. A very similar scenario almost happened to me, and I'd wager it happens a lot, especially these days when people's adult DC can't afford to move out as soon as they might have in the past. Being told what is to happen instead of consulted/given the chance to discuss is an all-too-common phenomenon for stepparents too, unfortunately.

Surely when you were looking this would have been mentioned? He'll be taking a bedroom, surely you say "ok we want 3 bedrooms, 1 for us, 1 for an office and a guest room for when relatives stay". At that point he'd say "well Jim is going to be living with us too so we need 4 bedrooms". This isn't a 5 year old who you would have discussed would be living in your home part or full-time before you bought the house, this is a whole other adult who will be living with you. It impacts on your privacy and how your home is used I mean you will end up with another adult living there half the week at somepoint once he has his gf staying over so your house you bought for 2 is no longer your lovely home but a doss house for a 19 year old and his gf(s)/mates.

I'd pull out, mainly because your partner/husband can't be trusted, he isn't asking can his adult son come to stay for a week, he's telling you this other adult will be moving in with you. Absolutely not even if it is his son, the discussion should have been had when you first started talking about buying.

He’s not really a child though is he? He’s over 18 so legally speaking he can house himself. I’d be seriously pissed of with DP for springing this on you less than 1 working day before.

His 19 year old messy weed smoking son who sees his mum asking for common courtesy as moaning

You need to phone the solicitor and pause the exchange. No matter what happens and what you decide, you can't possibly exchange in less than one working day's time after this bombshell.

You will not just be living together, you will be living together with his 19 year old son.

And his son's girlfriend. And his weed habit.

I think you need to tell him that his son will be moaned at in your house too! He's clearly a pain in the arse and not taking responsibility for the stress and extra work he is causing his mother. Better to blame her and move in with Dad who will find it difficult to pull him up on stuff. And cue nervous breakdown from you who won't be allowed to address the issues directly with your stepson.

No no no no no!!!!

You will not just be living together, you will be living together with his 19 year old son.

That is a completely different scenario altogether.

He has sprung this on you with a week to go because he believes you won't now kick up a fuss.

You absolutely need to not exchange next week. What else is he going to spring on you in the future?

This required full notice from the moment he and his son first discussed it.

@tipsyraven why is it made up? If I was to move in with a new partner now (which would be a surprise to DH!) I have a DS who is currently at university. It is likely that DS will stay in that area for a job but there is no guarantee that he is going to do that or that he could get a job straight away, so he would need a bedroom wherever I was living. Also uni holidays are long, DS's summer one is pretty much 5 months. So this would need to be a discussion before any moving in discussions and especially before any house purchase. This doesn't seem to have happened as OP just assumes her partner would be okay if her DD moved back home, she hasn't said they have had any discussions.

You are massively under-reacting. Put your big girl pants on.

Accepting your partner’s child into a shared home is reasonable, with agreements andground rules in place.

Your partner thrusting his and his son’s decisions on you and expecting you to shut up and comply is absolutely not ok.

I would make it very clear that anyone bringing weed into my home wouldn’t just face my moaning, I’d be notifying the police. I’d be binning his mess. I would expect a1/3 contribution towards all bills and food. There would be limited overnights with the girlfriend.

They are doing this because they think you are a doormat. You are coming across as incredibly passive - I appreciate that you’ve had the rug pulled from under you, but you have agency here.

Pulling out of the purchase now would be much less messy than trying to untangle things a few years down the line, when your partner’s backing of his son’s druggy, dirty behaviour has destroyed your relationship.

It's a tricky one, blended families always make it more complicated. I would have expected a discussion, but at the same time I would expect any child of mine or partner to be welcome to stay within what I would consider to be a family home.

But you wouldn't just announce it, you'd discuss it first.

What he has done is make a unilateral decision - my son is moving in. Unilateral decisions, where the other party has no voice, are really bad signs in a relationship of any sort.

If he'd said, son said this to me, what do you think? Could it work? Would you be okay with it?

Forget the guilt. This is bullshit.

There's another red flag right there!

I'd be wanting to know why mum moans a lot. Is it because he's messy/lazy/entitled or otherwise difficult to live with?

I agree with PP. The adult son doesn't get to say he's moving in and so called "DP" doesn't get to say his son is moving in without prior consultation and agreement with you.

This doesn't bode well at all and I would pull out.

I think you and your partner could handle this by having a list of rules for any of your adult children to abide by if they choose to live with you in your new shared house.
-financial contribution to the cost of bills and food if they plan to share meals with you.
-No drugs in the house.
-No bringing home one night stands.

-Girlfriends or boyfriends who have met you over dinner can then stay over, but not more than 4 nights per week - basically you expect them to split their time between both of the places they live in rather than spend all their time in yours and moving in by stealth.

I’m sure there’s more that might need to be agreed on to but that’s a start.

I think children coming back from uni is different as there is no feasible alternative (no one can find a room in a houseshare for the Easter holidays for example) and is time limited. Also they're more likely to be independent and want to move out properly afterwards (it's harder to go back to living with parents if you've had three years living independently) or at least be more self aware when they're around.

I would be extremely wary,like others have said, if he is moving out because his mum, who loves him, has had enough of his messy / disrespectful behaviour. I know you've said this isn't the issue, but please don't under estimate:

• how differently he will behave in his own home vs when he was a guest in your home
• how much harder it will be to manage when it's full time vs 1 day a week
• how difficult it will be to manage this if his dad hasn't agreed some ground rules around mess etc
• the change in dynamic and how this might grind you down over time eg walking around with skimpy pj's on

I think it would be a very different conversation if it was he was asking to move in because your house is nearer his work, or because he wants to spend time with his dad. But he is effectively moving out from one house because (it sounds like) he is messy and disrespectful which is not a good start for a harmonious arrangement with you

I do see why his dad wants to live with him but I think discussions need to happen around:

• why he is moving out rather than addressing his behaviour - what's he going to change so that you and your husband don't have the same reaction. And if he is going to change, why can't he do that at home?
• rent given he is working
• communal vs individual food
• levels of cleanliness, chore rota etc
• girlfriend coming over
• weed smoking (our neighbours smoke in the garden and it stinks)
• how long will this arrangement be for
• why you weren't consulted or involved in such a big decision

Also will there be enough space when your kids are back in the holidays?

You need to press hold on the exchange. I know it's awful (for the seller and also you) but you need clarity before you can move forward with the house.

If you go ahead with the house you are agreeing to house this slob, and please don’t kid yourself he’ll be different in your house that you are paying for.

You need to pull out and keep your house, if he wants to put up with messy son let him, but not in a house that's half yours an itvwill be you that essentially cleans up after him. You'll also have the gf staying all the time.
Is your partner OK with him smoking weed at the house?
Your life will be an absolute misery, no wonder his mum is sick of him, is he suddenly going to change when he moves in with you 2,or is his father okay thst he's messy and smokes weed

Who did you have in mind for that bedroom?

How long before it's the 19 year old and a partner living there, making it four people in the home? No way would I give up my own home to buy a house with a man who announces his son is moving in without any discussion.

Well, if I was in your position, I would be pulling out of this house sale NOW.

But it doesn't sound like you intend to do this @maximusss

What do you want people to say?