DP’s son moving in

That is not going to work. The 19 yr old will be through the door before the terms are read. Diplomacy is NOT an option

I would just say No rather than pulling out of the move. Say it can be trialled by increasing time at yours to two days if you are happy with things and just communicate with your partner that he needs to communicate and discuss things with you first. There just seems to be a lack of communication all round .

Have you spoken with your solicitor yet @maximusss ?

It could be real. I know of a few complete pushovers who would behave like this sadly.

How clean is your partner's home? Does he get a cleaner or clean up after himself? I ask because in my experience boys who think they don't need to clean up after themselves usually have learned that from example. In my own family the boys don't clean and my dad is a slob - he has had relationships end because he treats his partners as live in cleaners and I suspect my older brother does the same (though I think he pays for a cleaner these days). Having grown up with men who just leave plates where they land (my 12 year old nephew also now does the same) and never vacuum or put on a load of laundry I would never date a guy who can not clean - they could look like Brad Pitt and have the best personality in the world but I would still run a mile! The weed would also be a big no no! I just know too many boys who smoke weed and sit around the house all day with no motivation to live life!

Personally if it was me I would send them both an email to say "X tells me you might be moving in, that is lovely to hear, it will be great to get to know you more and for you and my child to bond. It is good to start on the right setting so that we all have a great living environment. One thing I do have to bring up is that X has mentioned that you sometimes smoke, it is a strictly non smoking house, that includes the back garden. In terms of house rules, they are quite simple and what you are probably used to in your mums. We will have a cleaning schedule for all of basic chores we do weekly (bathrooms, hoovering, dusting, kitchen etc) with the expectation that everyone will do their own dishes and clear up after themselves every day. In terms of bills the easiest thing to do as we are all working adults is to split them three ways and if my child moves back in we will split them in four. We can also set up a kitty that all adults contribute to equally for cleaning products and things that we all use like milk, tea and coffee! As we are obviously looking forward to enjoying our new house as a family we do ask that you don't have overnight guests more than one night a week without prior consultation."

I would put everything in writing in a friendly way that makes it clear that the girlfriend will not be moving in by stealth, no smoking anywhere and everyone should clean the house! I would also suggest to his partner that he charges a small amount of rent (perhaps £300) that he puts into a savings account each month for his son so that he is not spending his salary on weed and is building up a deposit to eventually get his own place. Key is whatever you put in place for his son you will also have to follow for your own child!

This is worrying. His mum is almost certainly holding him to account for being inconsiderate or not pulling his weight around the house. You’ll soon find out why he gets moaned at.

I'm sorry he has obviously dropped this on you last min so u cannot say no think why would he do that???? If I was you as auful as is I'd stick to current two houses and wait till kids older much better idea

He absolutely should have discussed this with you. His son is an adult and this will also be your house

Sorry, I did say subsequently my post was a bit tongue in cheek but ideally those expectations should be OP’s DP’s expectations too and if not met it would be up to the son's father to address them. If they aren’t then if I were OP, I wouldn’t be moving in full time with her DP, let alone his son.

I haven't read the whole thing yet, but this is a ridiculous ask. Aside from the disrespect in telling you and not asking you, it will be a whole new dynamic.

It was annoying enough 15 years ago when my partner invited his brother to come and stay with us over Xmas without asking me. Just told me once it was all arranged. And that was only 3 days!

Did you have plans for the spare room which the son will now be taking for his bedroom? What about cooking, cleaning for three instead of two? Bathroom space? His mates visiting? Girlfriends staying over? Are there enough parking spaces?

This happened with my neighbour last year - teenage son moved in with his dad and dad's partner. Absolutely infuriating for us, as suddenly his mates were all rocking up in their stupid souped up cars, girls coming in and out, he kept the worst hours, and of course the family then had too many cars, so would keep stealing our spaces. We would regularly come home to see one of his mates happily parked in our space so we had to keep knocking round. He's left again now, thank God

This NEEDS full agreement from you. You will never be able to enjoy your precious new house, your poor thing.

The dad shouldn't just assume he can inform the OP of the decision he's made without consultation. Lucky he did it before exchange.

Absolutely no way. Moving out because he’s messy (there’s absolutely more to this but that’s bad enough), smokes weed, girlfriend around a lot and partner either disrespectful or oblivious.

You can try all you want to impose ground rules but I wouldn’t have any confidence that he’ll respect them or that your partner will have a handle on the situation.

I agree with everyone else, if partner wants to live with his son then you stay in separate houses for the time being. Otherwise you’ll be living in a student hovel, smelling of weed, teenagers/ young adults having sex next door/ coming in late and having parties, and no authority at all (because he’s not your child), having rows with your partner who thinks this is all normal/ loves having his son there at all costs/ is out all day and doesn’t really care. It will most likely kill the relationship and then you won’t have anywhere for you/ your kids to live.

If you really must move in together get somewhere with a separate annexe.

It’s only the new cancel the cheque if the op did it pages ago.
op PHONE THE SOLICITOR NOW AND PAUSE THE EXCHANGE.

When he calls you he will (undoubtably, from what you've written so far) talk you round and make promises he has no intention of keeping.

For your own sake, sanity, and ongoing relationship with your DD, please phone the solicitors while you're waiting to speak to your DP and instruct them not to exchange on Monday. Tell him what you've done and why.

There will be other houses - and if the worst comes to the worst, there will be other men eventually.

Better to face the music and deal with this now than further down the line when your life as you knew it is in tatters and you need to spend a small fortune on legal fees to extricate yourself from what appears to be the biggest mistake of your life.

There is absolutely no way in the world I would allow a weed smoker to move into my house. And the lack of discussion would also be a deal breaker for me. Pull out, pull out, pull out!

@bigboykitty but you shouldn't just assume the mum will always house the adult DC before they can fly the nest. Dad's house may be more convenient for a job, uni, more room if moving into new house etc

Given that you both have children of a similar age (young adults), I am surprised this hasn't been discussed previously.

That you would both be happy for your DC to move in but you don't want his son to move in isn't a good look OP.

I don't know what advice to give. Did you really not consider that this may be a possibility? This type of thing is probably one reason I am going to stay single. My son will always be welcome in my home.

His son currently lives with his mum and stays at DPs once a week. However, he turned up at DPs earlier this week and announced he was moving in with him

It sounds like the son sprung it on DP too without any discussion. And now DP has sprung it on you without any discussion. It's not ok at all.
All of this should have been discussed before you got as far as you have with the house-buying process. Will adult children be allowed to move in? If so, for how long? Under what circumstances? How much will they be expected to contribute? What house rules will there be? And then you could have decided (as could he) whether that would be something you were prepared to accept or not. If you didn't want to live with his adult son under the circumstances you discussed (or indeed if your DP didn't want to live with yours) then you could have decided to continue living separately. You made a decision to buy a house together without being fully-informed of what that could actually involve.

I do wonder though, if DP has just sprung it on you with a week to go because he thinks that you won't pull out at this point, whereas if you'd discussed this properly you might well have decided to continue living separately. The son might well have "announced" he was moving in with this week or maybe plans were afoot beforehand.

And I do get why you are questioning if you are unreasonable because it's his son. Anything can happen to adult children and they may need to move back in with their parents and that could well apply to yours too after university. That's not unreasonable and adult children should be able to turn to their parents if they need support but there does need to be discussion, especially if there's a new partner involved.

I would pull out because I wouldn't be happy about DP taking away my right to have some kind of say in this.

This feels like an ambush OP - nothing in life, and particularly important sensitive decisions, should be rushed. Just tell your DP that you need time to talk things over, not with him initially but with a trusted friend/counselor/family member. Reflect, ponder and take heed of the very good advice given - through past experiences- on this thread ; if I were in your shoes I would not proceed with the exchange on Monday. If you do, every conversation with your DP will be tainted with doubt, suspicion and anticipatory dread when he tells you "guess what!", "good news @Nanny0gg !" and so on.

I think phone the solicitor is the new cancel the cheque.

@maximusss PHONE THE SOLICITOR AND TELL THEM TO PAUSE THE EXCHANGE

You must do this before you speak to your partner. Just buy yourself some time to think.

If son was seeing his dad once a week, there must have been a discussion where he was going to sleep when that happens?

The son has only ever stayed over one night a week and has never lived with his dad.

If it happened to me, I would strongly suspect that they cooked this up between them a while ago.
After my DCs went to uni and now in their first job, Our house is still their base where extra sports and hobby kit is stored. They have had little extra storage in shared accommodation.
This is serious OP. Pull out of the sale and regroup.
You also need to ask solicitor about whether the son will have an interest in the property, I suspect he might if it becomes his permanent address.

I would also be asking @maximusss, has son been moaning to his dad about his mum "nagging" and has the dad been colluding and saying 'don't worry son, you can live with me when I move' . Because that would also be curtains for me, quite aside from your partner's handling of this situation, which is abysmal.

@IdleThoughts surely both DC's needs would have been discussed before house purchase. neither of them have their own properties, neither of them have officially left home.