DP’s son moving in

Yes.

A woman refusing to be an unpaid housekeeper to 2 grown men while she pays half the mortgage is truly wicked!

Do you think she should fuck the son, too?

This really sounds like you'll be worse off and unhappier buying a house together than you are now because your partner doesn't respect you enough to get your input on a significant decision like who will be living in the house and bringing drugs into the home plus the mess if he's so messy his mom can't stand it. You went from dream to nightmare but you now have a really good idea of your partner's views on shared decision making before you two move in together.

She knew he had a son before getting with him so it shouldn't be a surprise he wants to support his teen son.

So many wicked stepmothers in here its unreal.

Thanks for the info about OP DD I didn't realise that

So IMHO you really need to think about number of bathrooms - would your DP be expecting his DS to share a bathroom with your DD?

Also, if your DD wants to have her BF/GF move in with her?

Really think about social areas and the number of DSS & DD friends that would be visiting

Especially if his friends are from a different area (where his DM lives) so will they be staying overnight more often if public transport stops

Or does he have a car?

Is there enough parking outside the house for 3 or 4 cars parked 24/7?

Yes, but doesn’t mean that op has to.

@brassbells OP also has a DD, so she might want the same.

There is no way I would be moving in with someone when I had 19yo young adult who had not yet fully flown the nest and not assume that they could not treat that house as their home.

Please please don't go through with the house purchase, this man has absolutely no respect for you. No doubt you will become the housekeeper to both him and his son. Please walk away.

I would be very annoyed if I hadn't been asked but told his DS was moving in 24/7

Who is paying for the house? Is it equal or all his money?

BTW My DN lived at home with his parents/my sister & with his new wife until they saved up enough money for their deposit on their new home - they were both over 30 years old when they moved out

This was completely with my DS and DBIL agreement and they have a big house so there was lots of space and privacy for all of them

Talking of privacy - how much privacy or room will you have with DSS in the house?

Will there be space for him to have friends round or staying over or GF/BF moving in?

How many bathrooms are there?

Is there a 2nd sitting room so you can all be watching TV in different rooms?

Are you married? Are you putting money into the house? If you're not married my instinct would be to pull out of the house sale and run for the hills.

Exactly. He is her partners kid and rightly looking after him.

Take your time with this, OP.

That's a good update to read.

They're not married. I highlight this because the timing of this revelation is important. OP and DP had never lived together before, there'd been no discussion of this happening and as soon as they buy a place together it conveniently comes up.

It's not DP wanting his 19 year old to live with him that's the problem, it's the way he's going about it.

Yes, but it’s not op’s kid, but her partners.

@maximusss I’m sorry you had a rubbish weekend, but it’s good that you spoke to the solicitor to allow some thinking time.

Perhaps mention to your husband that you would appreciate better communications in future.

As for the son moving in - I think it's great that your husband is wanting to support his son.

Trust me, coming from someone with divorced parents who both fucked off with their new partners when I was 17 - I was left homeless and out in the big wide world to fend for myself (and my 15 year old sister). It was a massive rejection that I still am coming to terms with 20 years later.

So fate has given you some extra time to consider your future..
Use it wisely..

It's a stroke of luck that your buyers have an issue buying you a bit of time. Hopefully the bad weekend you have had isn't related to your partner and son.

Whatever way this goes think long and hard about whatever you do and the reasons your doing it. I would also need to consider your partners behaviour given he held this from you until the very last minute before he told you what was going to happen with no discussion.

Sounds like fate has intervened in your favour.

That's very fortunate timing, I hope you can take the opportunity and work out a way forward. It doesn't sound to me like this purchase is right for you.

Thanks for updating us @maximusss , I'm glad you've come back. Don't rush now, far easier to pull out of the sale than to try and seperate your finances later.

I would be so disappointed with my partner….
One minute you are excited about buying your new home together. The next he’s telling you, not asking you, that his son is moving in and will be having x bedroom. And you know his son is messy that’s why his mum is fed up with him. This would be an absolute dealbreaker for me. The occasional night yes but it permanent. And only after discussion. And absolutely no way would he be smoking anything in my house never mind weed. At this stage, you would only loose expenses and survey fees. Once you exchange you loose a lot of money. And once you have bought the house it’s half your partners. So be assured the son will be moved in. Personally, I would cancel the purchase and see it as a lucky escape. You can carry on as you are and he can have his son living with him. If he’s that messy his father might well realise that there is no way he could live with him full time!

That's good news. You now got time to discuss with your partner. It would still be a no from me due to behavioural problems of his son.

Good that you have time to rethink before committing. Could be that the two of you have different assumptions and need to agree how decisions about your home are made. Is this the only situation that might be difficult?

Have you had a chance to discuss the situation with DP?

Whew.

At least you've got a bit of breathing space to make a life altering decision that could screw up you life for years and leave you living with resentment.

Have you made a list of pros and cons about this move now that the conditions have changed and you've been told you'll be living with a weed smoking 19 year old and his gf indefinitely?

I hope you've been able to talk to your partner and lay your cards on the table here.