Page 19 | DP’s son moving in

maximusss · 2026-01-23T07:42:54+00:00

I suspect I’m being unreasonable here but I thought it would be helpful to get other people’s opinions. My DP has a DS19, sees him usually once a week when he comes to stay. We’re due to exchange on a house next week and last night DP dropped in to conversation over dinner that his DS will be moving in full time when we are in the new house. Now I know this is his son, and I like him, but AIBU to think there should have been slightly more discussion on this? I worry about what else he will drop on me without notice or discussion further down the line. Maybe it’s me being dramatic, it’s just made me feel a little uneasy for some reason.

OldGothsFadeToGrey · 23/01/2026 12:34

maximusss · 23/01/2026 09:31

Again, it’s not about living with his son, I like him. It’s about

The lack of discussion about it when we’re both paying 50/50 for the new house

No mention of his son contributing financially when he works full time

How often the girlfriend would be there (he sees her every day)

Whether he’ll be allowed to smoke weed in the back garden.

This move has been prompted by his son leaving his mums as he was messy and his mum had enough!

This would have me pulling out. If he pushed it I’d reconsider the relationship.

His son’s mum moans at him because he’s messy, so he’s decided to move in with you. You won’t be able to moan at him but you can guarantee he will still be messy!

You thought you were moving in with your romantic partner but now it looks like you will pretty much be living with another couple.

It’s been announced as a done deal. Hard to say no now without being the bad guy and the house falling through. ENORMOUS red flag.

His son will be smoking weed in the garden of your new house, all your neighbours will probably slag you off (I know for a fact all of my neighbours would hate you for that. They won’t care who was smoking - they will group you together!).

No thanks.

Stravaig · 23/01/2026 12:33

CelticSilver · 23/01/2026 12:17

OP, your opening line is 'I suspect I'm being unreasonable'. You've just had nearly 500 responses saying you are most certainly not being unreasonable.

Have a think about what that means.

Yes, it's an abusive relationship, isn't it, and OP's already normalised other coercive behaviour.

grumpygrape · 23/01/2026 12:33

pinkyredrose · 23/01/2026 12:19

Like fuck would I complete on Monday. Your partner had shown you clearly that he doesn't respect you. What happens when a mate of his needs somewhere to stay and you come home to someone else in the house?

If you go through with this you'll be living with 2 extra adults and thier mess and weed smoke, eating your food, pushing your bills up.

Tell the son that of he wants to move in to your house he's responsible for a third of the mortgage payments and bills.

Isn't it convenient that he's fed up of his mother at the exact same time you're buying a house.

Oh, heavens, not a three way mortgage where the OP has the minor share.

Itsseweasy · 23/01/2026 12:32

Myfridgeiscool · 23/01/2026 07:55

That is not a trivial thing. Moving someone else into your home without discussion is unreasonable.
I'd not go ahead with the purchase. Stay in your own home.

This.
Your “DP” has been very underhand with this. Is he always so manipulative?
Huge red flag there, never mind the messy, pot-smoking teen who the Mum’s had enough of!
Honestly if you don’t pull out I suspect you’re walking into a very unpleasant situation.

Bleachedjeans · 23/01/2026 12:31

Your house will smell of weed and be a mess, too.

Nanny0gg · 23/01/2026 12:31

Matrons · 23/01/2026 11:33

Sounds like it was a surprise to your partner as well so it is not his fault....

Parents often live with adult children as it is do expensive for them to move out, it's nice that his son wants to live with him.

I would always put my child first so if you refuse it could cause problems in your relationship.

There already ARE problems!

He's presented the OP with a fait accompli.

No discussion, no plans.

It would be the end for me anyway

grumpygrape · 23/01/2026 12:30

KoalaKoKo · 23/01/2026 12:07

How clean is your partner's home? Does he get a cleaner or clean up after himself? I ask because in my experience boys who think they don't need to clean up after themselves usually have learned that from example. In my own family the boys don't clean and my dad is a slob - he has had relationships end because he treats his partners as live in cleaners and I suspect my older brother does the same (though I think he pays for a cleaner these days). Having grown up with men who just leave plates where they land (my 12 year old nephew also now does the same) and never vacuum or put on a load of laundry I would never date a guy who can not clean - they could look like Brad Pitt and have the best personality in the world but I would still run a mile! The weed would also be a big no no! I just know too many boys who smoke weed and sit around the house all day with no motivation to live life!

Personally if it was me I would send them both an email to say "X tells me you might be moving in, that is lovely to hear, it will be great to get to know you more and for you and my child to bond. It is good to start on the right setting so that we all have a great living environment. One thing I do have to bring up is that X has mentioned that you sometimes smoke, it is a strictly non smoking house, that includes the back garden. In terms of house rules, they are quite simple and what you are probably used to in your mums. We will have a cleaning schedule for all of basic chores we do weekly (bathrooms, hoovering, dusting, kitchen etc) with the expectation that everyone will do their own dishes and clear up after themselves every day. In terms of bills the easiest thing to do as we are all working adults is to split them three ways and if my child moves back in we will split them in four. We can also set up a kitty that all adults contribute to equally for cleaning products and things that we all use like milk, tea and coffee! As we are obviously looking forward to enjoying our new house as a family we do ask that you don't have overnight guests more than one night a week without prior consultation."

I would put everything in writing in a friendly way that makes it clear that the girlfriend will not be moving in by stealth, no smoking anywhere and everyone should clean the house! I would also suggest to his partner that he charges a small amount of rent (perhaps £300) that he puts into a savings account each month for his son so that he is not spending his salary on weed and is building up a deposit to eventually get his own place. Key is whatever you put in place for his son you will also have to follow for your own child!

I’m not sure I’d want my independent, Uni, daughter to bond with my partner’s slobby weed smoking son…..

You have some good points regarding the state of the partner's house though.

Silverbirchleaf · 23/01/2026 12:29

Bombinia · 23/01/2026 11:58

I think phone the solicitor is the new cancel the cheque.

@maximusss PHONE THE SOLICITOR AND TELL THEM TO PAUSE THE EXCHANGE

You must do this before you speak to your partner. Just buy yourself some time to think.

Yes!

Silverbirchleaf · 23/01/2026 12:29

ClairDeLaLune · 23/01/2026 12:01

There is absolutely no way in the world I would allow a weed smoker to move into my house. And the lack of discussion would also be a deal breaker for me. Pull out, pull out, pull out!

I agree. Two red flags.

…and to stereotype, weed smokers aren’t often the best housemate either.

3rd red flag - mum moaned at him. Do we know what about? Although I think we san guess.

Channellingsophistication · 23/01/2026 12:26

Not discussing it with you is unacceptable. Having his DS with you all the time really changes the dynamics and would you have gone ahead with a house purchase if this was the case?

DancingFerret · 23/01/2026 12:26

Thinking about it, if the OP is going to postpone or cancel the exchange of contracts, given the short notice, it would be prudent to send an email to the solicitor rather than simply making a phone call.

Telephone instructions can be disputed if anything go wrong; a paper trail is essential.

sittingonabeach · 23/01/2026 12:24

It would be interesting to know what discussion was had about DC living arrangements when looking at houses as does look like OP would expect her DC to be able to live there (even if unlikely) so not sure why they didn’t expect the same could happen with partner’s DC

Ebok1990 · 23/01/2026 12:24

maximusss · 23/01/2026 09:31

Again, it’s not about living with his son, I like him. It’s about

The lack of discussion about it when we’re both paying 50/50 for the new house

No mention of his son contributing financially when he works full time

How often the girlfriend would be there (he sees her every day)

Whether he’ll be allowed to smoke weed in the back garden.

This move has been prompted by his son leaving his mums as he was messy and his mum had enough!

I would pull out of the purchase so screamingly fast. There's not a chance on earth I'd live with a druggy teenage lad who's messy. Not a chance.

kerstina · 23/01/2026 12:23

sittingonabeach · 23/01/2026 12:17

@bigboykitty thing is if I was moving in with someone and I had a 19yo who hadn’t flown the parental nest (whether mine or their dad’s) I would be saying that the house must be available to them as home (with house rules, like no drugs) and would have to accept the same if they had similar aged DC too.

I agree his is how I would feel but it needs to be communicated not just dropped on people.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 23/01/2026 12:22

I’d pull out of this purchase.

You agreed to live with one man not too.

If his Mum “moans at him” about being messy, he isn’t someone you want to live with. Equally, you can’t really stop your DP wanting to house his son. I can imagine he’s really happy to be getting this time with his child.

Not discussing it with you is simply not on. Imagine what else he might decide to simply drop on you!

Tulipsriver · 23/01/2026 12:20

I think your DP should have been upfront that a condition of moving in together was that, if he ever wanted to, his son would be allowed to move in. Then you could have chosen to remain living apart if you weren't happy with this arrangement.

As a parent, my children will always be welcome to live with me whether that was as a teen or as a 46 year old going through a tough patch. I'd make this clear to anyone considering living with me though.

Out of interest, would you ever turn your child away? Say, if he dropped out of uni next year?

FOJN · 23/01/2026 12:19

jbm16 · 23/01/2026 11:42

It's a tricky one, blended families always make it more complicated. I would have expected a discussion, but at the same time I would expect any child of mine or partner to be welcome to stay within what I would consider to be a family home.

Its not an unreasonable expectation but equally a partner has the right to decide that's not a living arrangement that works for them which is why discussion is so important. Whatever your own expectations you cannot just tell someone you are moving another person into your shared house.

StephensLass1977 · 23/01/2026 12:19

fishfingerbutty · 23/01/2026 11:28

I don’t think this thread is genuine.
No one would allow themselves to be treated like this.
And why would a working adult even want to move in with his dad and partner?
Not genuine.

Actually, exactly this happened with my next door neighbours. Teenage son moved in. Sadly, that meant his mates, his girlfriend, and everything associated with a 19 year old boy also joined the mix. The noise from his friends' car stereos was maddening, and was at all times. Instead of texting him when a mate came to pick him up, they'd beep the horn for ages.

I really feel for op. This never ends well. Although I hope it does.

bigboykitty · 23/01/2026 12:19

sittingonabeach · 23/01/2026 12:17

@bigboykitty thing is if I was moving in with someone and I had a 19yo who hadn’t flown the parental nest (whether mine or their dad’s) I would be saying that the house must be available to them as home (with house rules, like no drugs) and would have to accept the same if they had similar aged DC too.

Unfortunately the OP's bloke didn't say that.

pinkyredrose · 23/01/2026 12:19

Like fuck would I complete on Monday. Your partner had shown you clearly that he doesn't respect you. What happens when a mate of his needs somewhere to stay and you come home to someone else in the house?

If you go through with this you'll be living with 2 extra adults and thier mess and weed smoke, eating your food, pushing your bills up.

Tell the son that of he wants to move in to your house he's responsible for a third of the mortgage payments and bills.

Isn't it convenient that he's fed up of his mother at the exact same time you're buying a house.

bigboykitty · 23/01/2026 12:18

sittingonabeach · 23/01/2026 12:00

@bigboykitty but you shouldn't just assume the mum will always house the adult DC before they can fly the nest. Dad's house may be more convenient for a job, uni, more room if moving into new house etc

Or nearer to son's dealer, perhaps? How remiss of me. You seem to be missing the point though.

sittingonabeach · 23/01/2026 12:17

@bigboykitty thing is if I was moving in with someone and I had a 19yo who hadn’t flown the parental nest (whether mine or their dad’s) I would be saying that the house must be available to them as home (with house rules, like no drugs) and would have to accept the same if they had similar aged DC too.

Theonlywayicanloveyou · 23/01/2026 12:17

Absolutely pull out of the purchase. This is appalling. It’s a totally different set up to what you had agreed.

CelticSilver · 23/01/2026 12:17

OP, your opening line is 'I suspect I'm being unreasonable'. You've just had nearly 500 responses saying you are most certainly not being unreasonable.

Have a think about what that means.

BlanketyBlankBlank · 23/01/2026 12:14

I would be mightily pissed off by that! It’s massive thing not to discuss.