DP’s son moving in

I agree with this.

Anyone living with a partner who has kids living elsewhere needs to be realistic about the prospect of that changing at some point.

You've nailed it.

The son already has somewhere to live. He only wants to move in with OP and her DP because he can't be arsed to tidy up after himself.

OP, pls don't feel sick. You did not engineer this. Your DP did and backed you into a corner.

You need to channel your equal legal rights here. It is your half of the money and your half of the property when it is purchased.

I agree with posters who said your DP is stupid for raising this before exchange. Even if he raised it after, you are one half of the title deeds and have to agree to anyone living under the same roof.

So he cannot answer the phone. Due to the urgency of completion on Monday, I would send a follow up text to say you would like to put the exchange on hold and if you do not hear from him by x time, you will instruct the solicitors accordingly.

End of. Good luck.

I would be feeling ambushed and railroaded.
No discussion about finances, girlfriend, weed, messy, mum doesn't want him. It would be a hard no from me. You have a good set up living independently and the freedom to see each other as you please.
Liking the son 1 day a week is an entirely different thing to full time, it has disaster written all over it. It is a 3rd adult in the house, your vote will count for nothing against father and son. What about privacy, cuddling up on sofa, free to swing off the chandelier or indeed his girlfriend sleeping over.
Don't commit you can always buy together later down the line, it's not a no forever.
How long have you been with partner?

So he expects you to not flinch about a completely different future?
Imo he knew full well this was the plan.

You both have offspring that aren’t fully launched yet. It’s a bit odd that you were moving into a new home without planned bedrooms for all of them to begin with

I agree with this too. As the mother of a DD20 who is away at university, I would definitely be considering her in such a move, and would expect my OH to do the same with his own DC. It is odd this conversation hasn't been had in any way - given you both have young adult DC.

The idea of an "agreement" is okay in itself, but reminds me of parent/school "contracts" where some will agree anything to get their way and simply ignore it once whatever-it-is has been secured

Personally I'd rather go on what's already been demonstrated than hope some airy fairy agreement would be stuck to, but of course we're all different

I am far too risk averse to go ahead with this plan to buy together.

It has disaster written all over it OP. The fact he unilaterally decided his son would move in is a massive red flag.

As hard and as crushing as it will be, I would pull out of this purchase if he is determined to have his dc live with you.

Pull out of the house purchase

You both have offspring that aren’t fully launched yet. It’s a bit odd that you were moving into a new home without planned bedrooms for all of them to begin with.

that said, there also should have been discussions around expectations for offspring in residence. What kind of work and education requirements will they be expected to meet? How will their presence impact your household budgeting?

It’s definitely the lack of communication that is a giant red flag.

This every time

OP you don't just delay the exchange, you pull out of the purchase. 'D'P can promise all sorts now to get you to agree and then go back on it all after you've bought the house. And frankly, given the shit move he's just pulled that is actually what I would expect to happen.

'But it's his son' is not a good enough reason to feel you can't say no. You would be turning your life upside down and it would become hell. You know exactly what 'his mum moans' means - he's a shit to live with and won't change so she's had enough. You don't have to live with his shit. You have your own calm house and space so keep it.

And I'm another one suspicious of the timing of this, I also think this has been bubbling away between DP and son for a while and you've only been told at the time DP thinks you're too committed to the move to say no.

Yes, but as I said, linking his contributions to mortgage costs is inadvisable.

If you absolutely have to do this, get a written contract of expected behaviour. If there's only one bathroom, DO NOT DO THIS. If mum has had enough ( mums don't usually give up without extreme provocation) , proceed with caution.

Oh God
Pull out now
You will be maid to these 2 men

I think it's quite possible OP's partner didn't know about this in advance, and it was landed on him, but his reaction tells a story. He seems to have decided that because the house purchase was a done deal then he was comfortably past the point where the OP would need to be involved in the decision making. That bodes ill for the future.

100% pull out

Its not about his son moving in its about the complete disregard to a conversation, what else will he just do without any conversation?

Massive red flag

Not to mention
The extra mess
Extra bills
Food
Who is paying for that?

Are you splitting it 3 ways

@maximusss don't do this!. You will be miserable in your own own home!.don't let him railroad you into this!. Seems like you are not able to stand up to him since you made no objection when he told you.

I come from a culture where grown kids live at the family home for as long as they want but they are very respectful(no weed), contribute towards the household, do lots of chores and are responsible.

Not sure it’s about the son living with her, it’s more than the partner is completely disrespectful to agree to this without discussing with his GF.
I would postpone exchange to give you time to discuss, if he won’t discuss it then pull out. Level of presumption/ entitlement of BF.
you need to protect your Financial interest. Legal agreement needs to be drawn up, why should she pay half whereas the boyfriend needs to be paying 2/3 of the bills. She has no marriage to protect her.

@maximusss it's better if you message him with a heads up of what you wish to speak about, because in the moment the danger is he will run over you rough shod like he already has. I would text something along the lines of 'your son cannot move into our joint home without discussion, and the fact you'd spring this on me is making me rethink buying a house with you. I've been thinking this whole thing isn't a good idea for us.'

What are the reasons you are buying together? Would it have changed that decision if you knew his son wanted to move in? If it were me I would cancel the move and see what DP and his son living together was like and whether the two of you retreat to your place to get some privacy.

Yes, you're quite right. And that makes DP even worse.
Hopefully MN responses will help OP to not go ahead.

Blimey. Yes, absolutely fine that he wants to allow his son to live with him. Absolutely not okay at all to just drop in conversation that it’s happening without any kind of discussion on the matter. Is he controlling in any other ways?
I’d expect the conversation to be more along the lines of:
-I hope you don’t mind but…
-what should we charge him in rent?
-what house rules regarding cleaning, GF staying etc are you happy with?

Cross-post with@FOJN.

You realise you will be the default cleaner don't you?