DP’s son moving in

The son has just moved in with his father and suddenly you are presented with the notion that he will be a permanent part of your new, joint household. Seems to me that this was planned all along by the son. Why did need to move out from his mother and in with his father?

Sit your partner down and tell him that the situation needs to be discussed and you want an explanation as to why this was dumped on you at such a late stage.
Up to you what you decide to do, but if he takes you for granted now........

Apologies if this has already been mentioned. Will you be using a mortgage? Most lenders need to know if anyone over the age of 18 or sometimes 17. They will need your DPs sons signature to confirm he wont claim tenancy or something.

This would have been at the start of your application. Ask your solicitor as this might be a route for you to approach your DP on how you feel from a legal perspective

I want to add my voice to the others begging you not to allow yourself to be morally blackmailed into exchanging contracts on Monday.

I can't see how starting like this will result in anything but a future breakup when you realise just what your role is in the household of an entitled father who puts you last, a messy drug-user manchild and almost certainly his girlfriend.

Please please don't.

I can't wait to see what reasonable explanation your partner comes up with to persuade you its a good idea to still go ahead..

he told you pretty much straight away then. I’m going to get a lot of hate but if this was my son wishing to live with me I would discuss it with you but it I wouldn’t be looking for permission. My children will have a roof over their heads as long as I have one over mine. He only just found out himself and he’s told you. You can discuss house rules and worries but if you don’t want to live with his son then there are 2 options. Pull out the sale and live apart or split up. This would be the only negotiation someone would be having with me

ABSOLUTELY THIS.

Agree, I think I might make a poster/cross-stitch of this mantra.

If someone is putting you in any situation where they have time to think and you don't, you have to insist on the time to think.

Love this @Gribouille !!

I agree with all the other voices saying don't buy this house together.

The disrespect is such a dealbreaker. Your DP has 'shown you who he is' and that is someone that thinks it's fine to tell you rather than discuss a major life event.

He's also someone who has never told his son to pull his socks up and respect his own mother, and will not think twice about letting him continue with his messy, druggy, lifestyle plus ever-present girlfriend in your new home.

Walk away.

Please please don't be a wet blanket about this OP. Stall exchange for a week or two weeks to give yourself more time at the very least.

If you exchange on Monday you will have a whole heap more to deal with than you can ever imagine.

The stress you feel now will be miniscule in comparison.

He probably knows why you're trying to contact him, he's not going to respond because he hopes you will let the solicitor carry on and exchange on Monday.
Then you'll be completely trapped.
You have to contact the solicitor op and say you don't want to exchange on Monday.

This.

Hell would have to freeze over first before anyone smoked weed in my house or garden.

Unless he’s a brain surgeon or similar, you need to speak to him urgently work or no work. Tell him that you are pulling out of the house purchase as you don’t want to live with his son full time. His son is messy, disrespectful, smokes weed and has a girlfriend around all the time. I wouldn’t want to live with him either!

You need to contact the solicitor before they close for the weekend as it would be horrible of you to leave it until Monday.

How big is the house? Three plus bedrooms, to accommodate both children possibly moving back in?

Coming up with his son moving in without discussion seems to me to be thoughtless at best. The fact that no discussion of expenses has happened suggests you will be expected to cover those, which is an imposition. I doubt DS will become tidier and more considerate, as he seems to be moving out of his mum’s to avoid doing that. DS just announcing it sounds v entitled - which he may be to his Dad’s house, but not to yours!

Also the pressure it puts on you, after testing your compatibility as a couple, to casually add in another person in at the last minute, is horrendous.

Don’t exchange on Monday unless you have reached agreement on both his DC and your DC possibly moving back in, and the house rules if they do. You can still back out or just delay.

Yes, that's a big thing and it should have been discussed. I think he knows that, which is why he just wen t ahead and did it. You should raise it and say big decisions should be shared.

This and do not exchange this is not going to work. No discussion means your opinion is not of value to him - he is going to decide.

You have to pull out.

This will make your life a misery, and you will be trapped. If your own children ever need to live with you, would you want them living with a non-contributing messy weed smoking stranger, one whose own mother can't even stand living with him?

Even if it did all magically work out unlikely, I'm willing to bet any money that you would have discussed things with him first re: moving people in to your shared house.

The fact he didn't speaks volumes. Your opinion doesn't matter. Your feelings don't matter. The lack of basic respect is breath taking.

I hope you will find the strength to pull out of this arrangement OP, this situation will be untenable for you before too long. The total disrespect from both father and son is staggering! Like DP's ex, they'll be expecting you to be the maid of all work.

Not a chance would I be continuing this house purchase with all this to look forward to. Better off staying where you are and thanking your lucky stars that this blew up before the house purchase was actually made. It will be horrible pulling out but nothing like as horrible if you don't...

I find it utterly strange that neither of you talked about either of your children coming to stay more longterm. If you are buying a home surely anyone sensible would have had this chat? Quite frankly it would also irk me that he told you this was happening without any type of discussion. That isn't really conducive to having a harmonious household.

I would want to talk asap because if his mum couldn't want to live with him why do you think you would be able to? I wouldn't allow weed smoking in my house or the garden. Quite frankly the smell stinks and it is unfair on the neighbours. I also wouldn't want his girlfriend there all the time and would want strict boundaries in place re giving keep and cleaning and tidying.

I would contact them and pause the exchange.

Have you exchanged/completed on the sales of your respective houses if you are selling them?

I agree with (almost) everyone else, you've been stitched up by your 'D'P and his son. I think they both talked about it as soon as you and P decided to buy a house together and he's decided to announce it at the last moment to stop you backing out.

You need to find your anger and use it to ring the solicitor now to put a stop on the sale.

If you don't you'll be back on here in 6 months times moaning about your DSS and you will deservedly have your arse handed to you.

I would pull out now!! It was so disrespectful to just inform you! You will end up with all his mess, the girlfriend permanently there and potentially future neighbours that will complain about the smell of weed!

Don't give up your own house

I wouldn't be cohabiting in this situation.

I am really hoping this is a wind up. I just struggle to believe anyone could be so blatantly taken advantage of and actually think she was the potentially unreasonable one!

If is real it is absolutely awful. OP has been inveigled into a huge financial investment & practical & emotional commitment on false pretences, by a man who has no respect for her and assumes he can trample all over her. Her relationship with her daughter will likely be damaged and she will almost certainly have a ghastly time living with this disrespectful man and his inconsiderate stoner son, then lose money & go through a very distressing time when the house has to be sold when she finally finds the strength to stand up to this man.

Sometimes (too often) you read about men in the papers, men who have really taken advantage of women financially, really really nasty men, & there is enough here to make me think it is at least possible this man may be one of them. (Put it this way: I would not want my mother or sister alone in a house with a man who treated her like this, and his adult son.)

Or else he’s just a disrespectful moron who thinks he can trample over his lady, who knows?

DO NOT EXCHANGE, OP. The problem is not that he wants to live with his son: it’s that he clearly does not have ANY respect for you or your right to choose.

Also, have you made any other financial commitments or arrangements that involve this man?