DP’s son moving in

One thing I'd like to know is if the son moves in, how much of an "upgrade" will that be over his current living arrangements?

Slightly more discussion ? A lot of discussion should take place.
It changes the dynamic of your daily living.
The fact there was none and how it was mentioned means I suspect that your other half and his son may have had this in mind for some time.
I would not move in. At all.
What rights would he obtain by living there if he did for a long period of time ?
Do you have joint ownership.
I just would not go there.

I would worry if there hadn't been sufficient discussion about this possibility from either DC before getting to close to exchange, what other discussions haven't there been. If OP's DD is in uni, does the partner moving in impact her student finance (if she gets any). Will either parent be helping their DC with a deposit for property, wills and DCs' inheritance etc

I'd say the mother is sick and tired of the son and girlfriend slobbing about the house smoking weed. Is this what you want in your new house? No way in hell would I be still going ahead with the house buying.

Have you spoken to DP , @maximusss?

This move has been prompted by his son leaving his mums as he was messy and his mum had enough!

Id be concerned too @maximusss. He sounds difficult to live with and your DP is announcing this with no discussion at all.

When he rings you back, start by asking him why he announced this with no discussion- why does he think he can do this, and that this set up will work well? What about house rules, who’s going to pay for what, etc.

I understand that he feels that he needs to give his son a home, but this isn’t the way to go about it.

I would expect him to say to the son "I need to ask my partner, its not just my house" I don't think anyone has called it a trap, but there is an assumption here that is not acceptable. I am assuming that in the case you mention, the child was the child of both parents?

I don't see how there's any coming back from this.

Even if you delay exchange by a day and hash out ground rules for both your adult children, and DP, tbh what will you do if they don't stick to them which I think is likely, as clearly they didn't even think this was worth discussing with you.

Do you want to come home to a massive row about the mess that's been left by him? The smells, the gf making herself at home, your stuff being borrowed, arguments about the rent charged being too much? A sulky teen disregarding what you say because his dad has told him you're just in a mood and to wait til you've calmed down. Who needs that shit. I really hope that you can just pull out and put the whole sorry mess behind you.

Are there 3 beds so a room each for both sons ?

yes he should have said something

why did he never wants to live with dad in current place - was there room ?
Or now a bigger house an wants in

did you ever discuss both kids living with you both ever as they are both still young

if your child decided to live back home, would you expect your partner to accept it? He had it put on him by his son, what was he meant to say. I’ll get back to you when this probably something he always promised when living on his own. The only discussion I’d be prepared to have would be can you accept it or not. If not then keep things as they are and think if you’re up to being in a relationship with someone who has kids, my neighbour has had his 30 yo son turn up at his doorstep heartbroken because his wife said she wanted a split. They had to take him in then & there and that’s something that can happen to anyone who has children. He hasn’t sat on this info as a way to trap you. He’s literally been told himself.

OP, if you are reading this please contact your solicitor and make sure you do not exchange on Monday. It is already 3pm so you don’t have long. You mayst NOT exchange on Monday. Your life will be a misery and you will be trapped.

big fat "whoa" from me. Requires discussion and agreement and should not be raised as and "oh by the way" What else is he going to casually drop into the conversation??

@maximusss

PUSH THE EXCHANGE.

There are about 10 pages of messages saying the same thing.
Push it out.

Separately you couldn't pay me to live woth your description if his son.
I wpuld be staying in my own home

Where do they live when they’re not at uni?

He only "found out" this week? If my adult child announced they were moving in with me, my answer would be 'are you indeed'. A conversation would absolutely be required and if it came down to the other parent is fed up of his disrespect, then I would be saying go sort this out with your mum because that behaviour wouldn't be okay at my house either.

Maybe it’s me being dramatic,
Who has been telling you are 'dramatic' for expecting basic boundaries to be respected?

it’s just made me feel a little uneasy for some reason.
This unease is the battered remnants of your self-respect and belief in healthy boundaries screaming at you. Pay attention to yourself. NOT to anything he says.

My dh's nearly 22 year old son lives with us and it drives me mad.

I think if you put your foot down to him and say no, then in reality you can't expect your DC to move in when are home from uni.

All in all you are best off not buying the house together. That may spell the end of your relationship but your hut tells you don't want to live with his messy weed smoking adult child.

I wish I had listened to my gut!!!!

If it was me I'd pull out of the move, I think that just assuming you'll say it's fine and not discussing such an important life change is very selfish on his part & a massive red flag on who he is. What else might he do in future if he already thinks you're a pushover ?
Also the son wanting to smoke weed in the back garden is a definite no thank you it bloody stinks and in the Winter time he'll probably want to do it in the house from the bedroom window & your house will eventually stink of it too his bedroom will definitely honk of it.
You already know he's messy which will be why his mum moans, because he's a 19 year old slob. To me messy = lazy, so more there will be work for you, why should you take him on when he was never part of the deal full time ?
I would pull out rather say no, because they may try and work on you & wear you down later on once you're moved in and it's too late.

No doubt the mother will be painted as unreasonably batshit. I fully expect she's had enough and has spent years trying to get the son to be more respectful of her and her home. He's had a " Shape up or ship out " ultimatum and has chosen to inflict himself on Daddy and OP instead.

What was the formal agreement regarding your DC. This can't have passed by without conversation.

Nevertheless I would not be exchanging on a house to.live with someone who can't get on with his mother

You must, must contact the solicitor and make sure they pause the exchange. It’ll all be so much harder once you’ve exchange.

Don’t wait to speak to your partner, he’s ignoring you to make sure you don’t have time to pause the exchange.

Your Partner has no respect for you, or your opinion. Do not give up your own house.

Yes!
Consider the length of time that this man has had to privately weigh this up and plan it all.
Working everything to his advantage whilst the op is under the illusion that they are in a partnership.

How many bedrooms does this new house have? If it doesn't have four decent size bedrooms, or the son has been offered the box room, then he has offered part of your half of the house to his son without even asking you. It's terribly disrespectful behaviour.

It is a decision you make on your own as a parent. He can discuss the decisions she can now make as a couple & she has every right to say no it’s not for me. He has only just found out his son’s wishes. Would you ask for permission if it was your child? But in truth 19yo’s still need their parents. There’s a crisis of young people not being able to get any type of housing. But don’t get in a relationship if the idea of potentially living with their kids is something that horrifies you.