DP’s son moving in

Wow, with that wild imagination I don’t think any man should be alone with you either,
god knows what they’d be accused of

He can put down house rules. What opinion of her kids do you have. They’re currently at uni, should they be told nope you can’t come back. You’re old enough to vote so I suggest use that wisely and get yourself married.

How many bedrooms does the new place have?

Agree.

An adult male no less. I personally would feel viscerally uneasy and even physically unsafe in my own home with two adult males that could gang up against me.

I would never accept that arrangement as a lone female. My house is my refuge.

Better for OP to live separately and then with her dd down the road.

Pull Out Now.

There is a reason some women end up in abusive shit shows, and often it is hesitation like this.

Not listening to their gut, feeling uneasy, but still going ahead.

He thinks she won't have the guts nor intelligence nor self preservation to back out.

He is a prick, you just never saw it.

Me too.

Spot on, in every way

Interesting that people are saying there should have been more discussion, a lot of discussion etc.
The real issue here is not that there was not enough discussion - he did not discuss this with her, he told her. She was informed what would be happening.

That is frankly terrifying to me. Handing over your home and security to someone who has so little respect for you that they simply give you orders and expect you to take it. Thats a prison sentence.

I would be gone.

Feeling ‘a little’ uneasy is surely an understatement!
In your place, by now I’d have alerted the solicitor that I was pulling out of the purchase, and that she’d hear from DP asap. I’d have texted ditto to DP in the meantime.
When he phones tonight, as surely he will, I’d be telling him I’m staying put, and remaing in my own house, while he and his son live wherever they land.

If his son is moving in because he cant tolerate his mother’s remonstrating with him, you can be sure whatever caused it would recur in the house you'd be sharing with your DP, and that DP wouldn't deal with it himself at all. (DS having ascertained this from long experience)
It’d be left up to you to give out about mess, noise, stench of weed, possession of weed in your house, girlfriend as good as living there….Christ who needs any of that, and all the less when its been taken for granted that you’ll take it on as your job.
You anticipated living with DP as just that, and he has upskuttled it all with his very last minute announcement.
(I hope the timing is mere happenstance, and that DP isnt dark enough to have planned for the bomb to drop when you'd think it too late to object)

To me, it’s all a good reason to leave the relationship, as it is following the usual grim script to the letter, sadly. A man exploits his partner’s good nature and what is more, expects it as his due, woman to man.
Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

I’m furious at all this and I don't know either of you, and I certainly hope your slight unease has turned into righteous anger.

OP’s partner’s son is 19, not 10. It’s a bit different having a relationship with a parent of adults than one of young kids and a reasonable expectation that you will not have to house an adult (without being consulted).

He’s banking on you feeling that way OP!
Otherwise, he would have discussed it long ago, before you got to this late stage with the house purchase.

You really must be honest (as well as more assertive) with yourself now and decide if this underhand, dishonest conduct is what you want to lumber yourself with. It is definitely the sort of thing that would break any normal person’s trust in their partner if they pulled a fast one like this.

It’s not about the young man coming to live with you, it’s about your partner’s massive assumption without discussion, - as well as his trickery.

Remember, you have time to pull out. This is exactly what this time period is for.
So don’t feel badly about if you decide that’s the best thing. I wouldn’t blame you at all.

How would he feel if you suddenly said, without any previous discussion, ….. oh my the way, my sister/new dog/adult daughter is coming to live with us as soon as we move in.

I’d be outraged if I was in your shoes. You like his son but you also don’t see him often - you don’t live with him - that will change everything particularly if he’s moving out because his mum is fed up with him and he can’t be tidy - he’ll just transfer that to the new house.
must of all i would be seeing my DP in a new light - that he dropped it into the conversation but not even as a discussion because he thinks you’ll roll over and accept it.
You should pull out immediately.

In this situation, I'd back out of the house purchase.

He dropped that on you with no discussion as a done deal. That shows a huge lack of respect for you as co-owner.

He waited to spring this on you until you're almost locked in. But you're not.

His 19 year old comes with some big negatives that I wouldn't be able to overlook. Bringing illegal drugs into my home would be an absolute no. Bringing his gf in every day and possibly overnight stays, another absolute no. His mom is moaning at him, about what? Does he not pull his weight around the house along with drugs and another person constantly there?

Will there be any room for your kids if they would like to visit and stay for a day or two?

You're going to be "those" neighbors, the ones whose kid is smoking drugs out back and treating your neighbors to the smell. 🙄

I mean. Do not buy this house the resentment will be off the scale in a year’s time. His son is an adult and you are not his mum. No way should a unilateral decision have been made here. Also: having the son there will hugely change the dynamics between the two of you. You will end up pissed off at the usual young person careless/thoughtlessness and little things will grate over time. Ask me how I know…

Absolutely. The conversation should start with explaining what DS has asked for and deciding together how to respond.

Honestly op: woman up.

You're about to buy a house, and another adult will be living in it, and you think you don't have a choice???

Only 19? He can vote and get married so an adult, albeit a young one. He has somewhere to live: he is not homeless. He doesn't like his current situation because he wants to live like a pig in his mum's house even though he is old enough to know better. He thinks he will be able to live like a pig in his dad's new house and no one will mind.

His father, if he were half decent, would tell him that he is to start showing his mother and their home a bit of respect, that until there's no more noise about his messy habits and disrespectful ways he will consult his partner and together they will consider whether he can live with them and under what rules.

He also works and can move into a house share where I'm pretty sure it won't take long before the other residents are up his arse about his slovenliness. So one way or another he needs to sort himself out. If no one is prepared to house him, he has only himself to blame.

Yes they’re both his parents, but even if they weren’t it doesn’t mean the parent is any less a parent because they have a partner.

the woman has a child the same age at uni, whom I suspect will at some point be looking at moving home even if they’re planning on travelling in the summer. Would that be assumed they’d be moving in with her. How would Mumsnet react if this situation was him kicking off because her child was moving back from uni, it’s unlikely they’ll be in a position to rent or buy something when uni ends. The husband has mentioned his son will have x bedroom, not the spare room so I think it’s safe to say they have the space, do you think she hasn’t earmarked a room for her own child to stay in? How much discussion has been had about that, or has it always been assumed her child will someday return. To ask permission to have your own child live with you just wouldn’t be option for me. I’d sit her down & say my son wants to live with me & I’ve said yes. I get this maybe a shock but I understand if you want to pull out the house and keep things as they are. If she was to do that, then I’d never move in with her. There would never be a situation where I’d allow my child less rights to my home than that of my partners kids. She’s already said he wouldn’t have a problem if the situation was reversed. Not saying she should love it but she should respect it & if she can’t then she has some big decisions to make & luckily it’s came at a time where she has more freedom to make it. If this has happened a year from now she’d be stuck.

@Delphiniumandlupins you can't always expect that though. The DP is a parent, just like OP. I would still assume at 19yo they would see either of their parent's house as home. OP has a DD (and an ex). I assume DD sees both parents' houses as her home, as she says she splits her time between both if not at uni or travelling. Why assume the mum always has to be the default home provider. Things can change.

There should have been more discussion and more thought about this when looking at moving in together and buying a house together.

What is the world where a 19 year old just TELLS their parent what's going to happen and the parent's only option is to agree? It's ShitDadsVille, isn't it?

So @maximusss , did he ring you back? What happened?

Tell DP you've decided your mother is moving in too. Or any friend/relative of yours that he doesn't really like. I don't understand how he can think it's OK to drop this on you. Presumably you were expecting to stay with the current 1 day a week?

Totally disagree. I wouldn't buy a house with a partner AND his deadbeat 19 year old. Pull out of the purchase

It’s his son and he’s only 19. Yes he should have discussed it with you but it would be unreasonable to say no

You haven't exchanged yet luckily so you still have options as no deposit will be lost if you pull out. I'd tell your solicitor that you need to delay exchange for a week to give you time to think.

It's not just a teenager who would be moving in full time (and probably his girlfriend). It's one who is difficult to live with and pays no attention to his own mother's house rules. Does he assume you'd be a pushover in comparison and willing to act as the house slave for himself and his father?

It's nonsense suggesting a talk with him and outlining expectations is all it would take. How did that go for his mother? No doubt he'd promise to reform but it would last less than a week.

It's a horrible thing to happen when you must have been looking forward to a new house.