DP’s son moving in

@ThejoyofNC so if the DD wants to live in the house during uni holidays, after uni or if a situation arises eg health so needs a break from uni it would be fine for the partner to say no.

another adult will unexpectedly, at extremely short notice but as a fait accompli be living in it - of course you have a choice. Stop the purchase now.

Erm no, it's an adult. You may let other people make your choices for you but I don't suggest op does the same.

No she doesn't have to accept it. Her DP hasn't involved her at all in what is a major change to their circumstances just as they are about to exchange contracts on a house. A different situation from yours.

It’s how the cookie crumbles. First either of us knew about dh’s dd coming to live with us was his ex calling us on a Friday telling us she would be moving in on Saturday afternoon, didn’t even ask if we would be in (dsd had a key) dsd was 19. All was fine but no you have accept it as its his child

Going away from the point here but if you do go through with the purchase how will you be owning the property, joint tenants or tenants in common?

As for the actual point I do find it weird that conversations about the possibility of very young adults wanting to live with you or spend a lot of time there haven’t happened as well as decisions about bedrooms etc. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to not want to live with a 19 year old who isn’t your own and may still behave like a child. I wouldn’t expect my DC to financially contribute to my home in teens or early 20’s unless I needed it but I would want the saving.

She has to remember that she also has a child that’s very likely be coming home full time in a few years & uni they have nearly 4 weeks off at Christmas and finish may/june and return October. She doesn’t have to contribute & the son should pay his way as he’s working but I’m sure she’ll appreciate help when it comes to feeding & housing hers

I really hope you have called the solicitors to pause the progress, @maximusss. I must say, if I were you, I would not be going ahead with this joint purchase, as others have said, there are red flags a-plenty and I think you would be the loser in this whole situation. The idea was for you and your partner to live together, not for you both to blend families and have all your children come and live with you and for you to be their unpaid housekeeper.
Good luck!

How crazy he didn't even discuss it. You must have had discussions about what each of the bedrooms would be used for?

Unless there's some horrific breakdown of relations in his other home I'd be saying the arrangement remains the same. And I'd be furious he thought he could just make the decision so casually.

If before you move in with someone and you discuss the fact that new house is home for DC (both yours and partners), if adult DC then says I need to move in on a more regular basis (so not just once a week or uni holidays) how much more discussion can there be apart from house rules, rent etc. you’ve already agreed it is their home. If the partner’s DC was the one at uni would it be right for OP to say no can’t come here in holidays, or after uni.

i agree, I wonder what the opinion would be if he kicked off because her child dropped out of uni & all of a sudden needed to come home. Would everyone be criticising her to expect to house her child? I doubt it

I think shes decided to go along with it. Good luck @maximusss 😬

Good, succinct, summary.

To be fair I think it’s an unwritten agreement that your child can always move home if they need to isn’t it? As long as they are no underlying issues. Wouldn’t even cross my mind to ask my partner. Discuss yes I suppose but it would never be a no from me and my child is now an adult.

Yes, she made it difficult. So tell me then if my dad was to not listen to the wants of his wife what should he have said to her? Then that’s the advice you should be giving the OP

but that is your dad not a step parent?

I would ask the solicitors to delay the exchange as these things need to be discussed. If it's Monday or Not Going Ahead at this time, I would choose the latter.

He HAS sprung this on you. It's not a uni student coming home here and there like yours; it's a full time adult, potentially his girlfriend as well, with zero discussion and no apparent contributions when you're paying half of everything going into this.

I would definitely not be going ahead tbh

Given how your DP has thrown this on you, there is no way I'd be committing to a house purchase with him. Let your sales go through but then rent for 12 months together. That way, you're invested but not to the extent of having to sell somewhere to split IF it doesn't work out.

It's very clearly the case.

Worryingly the op hasn't been back since 10am, and it's close to too late to cancel the exchange.

Just hoping op is quiet because she's been busy sorting it, and not sticking her head in the sand and putting up with being taken for a mug.

Well she knows him you don’t. She has said the tables turned he wouldn’t have a problem so maybe he thought she’d be as support as he would be. What a bad man for expecting the same

Could you postpone the exchange to give you chance to talk things over x

People who think in this way should just not start relationships with people with kids. I have a dad I can’t turn to & because he’s distanced himself when he remarried he can’t turn to me either

Maybe phone the fucking solicitor then so it doesnt exchange...

🙄🙄🙄🙄

I cannot believe this is real.
No one is this passive / indecisive surely?

100% this should have been discussed with you OP.

This is a huge thing to "announce" without discussion. You are not a wicked stepmum for feeling like this.

If you're happy with him living there then of course there needs to be ground rules - as there would be with your child if they were living there.

Don't let the stepfamily system make you feel it's YOU that's the problem here. It's not!

He hasn’t sat on this info as a way to trap you. He’s literally been told himself.

Well that's the story OP's been fed...