Small town problems!

I thought OP was a teenager at first !

ahh this little nugget explains a whole deal around the 'personas' and I was coming on to ask if you might be autistic.

Its not uncommon for autistic women, who are often more social than autistic men, to mask/ chameleon themselves in different groups. I do it and my daughter does it, but not so much with real friends, who are few but true, and usually on the spectrum themselves.

Its because we need to kind of learn the social rules within a group and then we follow them - it doesnt come naturally - its a masking/fitting in behaviour - usually because we dont entirely trust that those people would tolerate us stepping outside the group rules. So for survival..... and also because at various points we HAVE, and the social and personal repercussions have been pretty awful for us.

Hanging out with the normal people is tricky, and so it can seem like we create different personalities for different groups.

Hopefully you will find your tribe, or just a few friends who you can just be yourself. After a point (usually menopause tbh) you will actuyally, not superficially, stop caring what people think and be able to just be, whilst remembering that its not appropriate to get up and boogie to music at a funeral

This is spades.

You've made a huge drama over nothing because of this.

I like Lego. But I'm not going to insert myself into my child's friendships because they also like Lego.

I like superheroes. DH and I watch that together, we won't be forcing our company on DD with her friends while they do.

There are other adults who like the same things. There will be forums, get togethers, shows etc you can go to.

Be an adult. You are not special because you're nerdy and like teen style things. Lots of people do, because they developed those interests as children/teens. We just do it with other adults.

😂

I don’t even know if this is modern code for ‘our kids are different ages’ or ‘my partner and I have long term second and third partners and sometimes they and their kids move in with us’

I think the problem is that you’re trying to put on different personas all the time..

You’re worried that friend A sees you when you’re out with friend B, because she will see your friend B persona instead of your friend A one.

Why not just be yourself? Then it doesn’t matter who you bump into when. You’re going to have a hard time in a small town otherwise.

What do you mean you "hang out with your 18 year old and his friends?"
I can't imagine hanging out with mine and his mates!
Although going to comic cons with your teen kids sounds cool, I do that myself

I haven't read the whole thread, so apologies if someone has said this before. You sound less like the multi-faceted enigma you think you are and more like someone so uncertain of who they really are that they try to morph into who they think they're expected to be in different situations. Most people get over that by the time they go to university.

I would also assume (hope, even) that most of my friends have friends other than me. One of my besties is an ultra marathoner, for example. I couldn't be happier to be excluded from that special interest group...

So what does it matter if she comes out and is a bit hmm at you? She’s heard enough id say! Message the organiser again and go sorry, this isn’t that complicated, I’d love to go, and no issues if this woman goes too. I just had a moment thinking she will judge me as she doesn’t realise I like to party but I’ve gotten over myself! Looking forward to it!!

Of course

You sound like a nightmare tbh. If this post is even real that is.

OP I'm afraid I did the thing we're not really meant to do but all do and I read your other thread about friends.

You seem to be looking for people with the EXACT same interests as you and don't see different interests etc as someone you can be deep-level friends with. That's really not how it works! My friends and I are very close but all have different jobs, interests, hobbies etc and then we all take an interest when we need to/want to, and just live life around each other because that's how people maintain deep friendships, which is also something that happens over time not instantly.

It makes me wonder if you want to meet new people with a blank slate so you can then chose which bits of your personality to show for them, hence all the talk of different sides of you. And you're never going to properly connect with people doing that.

You have a nice, eclectic set of interests - so do most people! But you're not going to find out if you're just running around working out who to be and sending mad messages to some poor woman just trying to organise a get together and assuming that you are too unique and special for normal people.

You sound desperately immature .

last time I talked to someone she said she could see “I was coming from a good place”

This means you offended her but she was giving you the benefit of the doubt.

Your lack of socialising is down to your inflated self-opinion coupled with devaluation of others.

Narcissism can be rooted in insecurity, but it's still narcissism. To give you the benefit of the doubt again, your social dysfunction could be the result of autism. As a PP mentioned, lack of theory of mind is a defining characteristic and perhaps this is what you need to fix. It can be learned, mechanically at least. Look it up.

I wonder what your children think about your behaviour?

They probably see it as a midlife crisis.

Whatever you do OP, don't dance with your son at his wedding! 👀😁

I would need an Excel sheet to keep on top of all that. 🫤

There are two things here: one is you live in a small town, and so you will be recognised everywhere you go and by people you may or may not be friends with, even if you are out with one group, other people you know will be around.

Two is this weird categorisation of your different selves- everyone has this to a certain extent, I don't wear the same clothes to go out as I do to my work, and I don't socialise with work colleagues especially- but I'm not scared of them seeing me in different ways.

You are a whole person, OP, and it's that authentic whole person who needs to start showing up. Your friend doesn't sound like your friend very much and that may be because you aren't being yourself in these situations, not your whole self anyway, and so you aren't gelling with her because you aren't being who you really are- I mean if she's homophobic and find her square, why are you her friend!

I think having someone to talk with (therapy) and going to different events and seeing how you fit with them will work better.

People don't want to be exposed to your 'persona', they want to meet you. If you like a wild night, find people who like those activities but expect them to be multi-faceted just like you, and you should show up as yourself otherwise all this pretending is stopping you actually meeting people who like you in the round, and stopping you connecting with them authentically.

I too wish this 😂was still a reaction. " Half George at Asda " HA!

Sounds like you find her uptight and boring not "lovely" (to be honest I think I'd find her uptight and boring too plus prejudiced and judgemental).

Is the real issue about the group that you're worried she'll latch onto you which will make it difficult to talk to new people which was the aim of going in the first place? I can see how that would be frustrating.

Or are you more worried that the new people will associate her with you and assume you are also uptight, boring and judgemental? If so you're overthinking it - you are your own person or indeed many different people according to you.

Can you go for a happy medium, acknowledge her and chat briefly but then move on? Or will she follow you or sulk if you don't stick together as a pair? I'm trying to get what you mean by "awkwardness".

😂