Small town problems!

"Small town gigolo" sounds like a 70s spicy film 😂

So why the issue with your ‘clashing’ personas, and it being a problem if Dull Doris sees you letting your hair down and snorting smalltown coke off a smalltown gigolo’s crotch or whatever?

I agree with this, you’ve worded it better than I did. OP hasn’t quite realised that most people are different on a night out or even just at home to how they are at work or on the school run. I think she just needs to go and see how it goes. If the other woman tries to insinuate she doesn’t like it or judges her then she wasn’t a friend fo start with.

But it doesn't matter you seem to think you matter the most, this "friend" who wants to go to your group thing probably wants to go for them, your deep interest is an aside to them.

Well yeah! I don’t get the angst over this. If you both go then you don’t have to shadow each other surely?! What is OP planning to do - get pissed and strip off or something?!

I don’t live in a small town but honestly have no idea what the issue is - why can’t you both go?

Exactly. Especially when the friend is clearly also looking to expand her friendship groups by joining the same Meet-up.

I think most people read this and think it sounds a bit weird (I did) but then I thought about how I am say at the school gates and whilst I don’t think I’m a completely different person it’s not that weird to want a drunken night out now and again and some people might be surprised to see that side of me. All I can say is, are you sure that she doesn’t also have a wilder side? Otherwise why would she be going? Maybe go and be yourself and get pissed etc and if she’s judgemental about that just say ‘I like to let my hard down now and again.’ You never know she might do the same. If she doesn’t then that’s for her to decide whether she attends the next one.

I'm really struggling with this idea of hurting someone's feelings by finding new friends. It's not a thing unless you're in primary school.

All of my friends have various friends and friends groups. Why would they just be friends with me? Even my closest friend of 30 plus years. We both have different interests and friends we've made along the way.

You can both go, just don't tell her you are going and wear something like this...

You come across as terribly insecure and self absorbed. I would go if I were you, but dont be surprised if you are not invited back. Inauthenticity is easy to spot

Probably because you're so busy interacting with your selves, there's no space left for other people 🤔

F

Fine not to go.

Unutterably rude and dickish to tell the organiser that you're not going because a particular other person is. Are you 13 or are you a grown woman?

You have massively over thought this. Why would a friend who is known for looking for new friends all the time be bothered that you're looking for new friends. This makes zero sense.

You've also over thought things again with your message to the organiser. They don't know you. They won't care why you're cancelling, there was no need for that explanation which will have made things awkward for your friend no matter how 'lovely' you've said she is.

Honestly, get out of your own head a bit. It's completely normal to have different 'personas' with different groups of people. Stop overthinking and just do what you want to do.

In a small town, you can never start from zero. Someone somewhere will know something. It’s the reason I moved away from my hometown.

I find it incredible to think you compartmentalise yourself to such an extent from people you refer to as friends. That’s not how friendship works. If you can;t be your full self with someone, they aren’t a friend.

Why would it be awkward for her to find out that you want more friends.

You are massively other thinking this. Go to the event. Say hi nicely to the person you know, then circulate round to chat to other people.

i think you’re coming across as quite anxious and unsure of other people’s reactions to who you are.
this would likely be an issue in a city too.

God this all sounds exhausting, clearly you both want to make new friends - I can kind of see why 'Doris' does if you're this much of a drama queen all the time. Honestly people aren't that interested in your attempts to be a small town Charlie XCX or whatever persona you're so desperate to be. They just want a drink/dance/laugh on a Friday night.

No - that doesnt make sense!

OP I’d go and be superficially polite and respectful but otherwise no convo with the one you’re trying to avoid - and just be yourself. It’ll be great - you’ll enjoy it 🙌

Now we know why you have no friends.

You're making a lot of assumptions there. You've put other people into one-dimensional boxes, supposing that the interest they show in one situation is their only interest. Meanwhile you, special multi-faceted you, have many interests which would frighten or confuse them if they only knew. So, instead of being your multi-faceted self, you pretend to be one-dimensional in each given situation.

Not only is this an unworkable strategy in a small town, it's fucking bananas. You're limiting your own potential at every turn, not to mention your quite insulting view of other people's potentials. You sound ... hard work.

You come across as someone desperate to be someone you are not. You might have made a bit of a eejit of yourself to the organiser bringing petty drama before you have even attended.

It sounds as though your “friend” is more sociable and authentic than you at trying new things and you are trying to piss on her chips.