Seething

Well what should happen is your brother slings his hook and the big house and tiny house both get sold and somewhere suitable is bought or the money used for care. However how you are going to make that happen is another matter. It's down to your mum and dad. If they have capacity they are in charge of their own affairs. As pp have suggested you need to talk to them bluntly but be ready for inaction. It may be too much for them. There may be a crisis that forces their hand but I don't really think there is much that you can do other than lay it out to them. Edited to say look after yourself OP, with elderly parents it's a marathon not a sprint ( look at the elderly parents board, you will get excellent advice)

Agreed, getting trickier by the day in OP's shoes, but diagnosis of dementia does not automatically rule out power of attorney (LPA, both types of which are needed here). If DM still has capacity for decisions, despite the diagnosis, she can sign. Capacity deteriorates progressively with dementia however. It may or may not be too late. Maybe ask her doctor to sign as 'certificate provider'. They may charge a fee for this. They will assess capacity as part of it. It will protect against being accused of not doing it properly later on. If DM and DF won't go along with this, leave them to it - they will end up at the mercy of DB and the state, who will control what care they receive and where.

Just to add OP, it is taking in the region of 12 weeks at the moment to register a Power of Attorney. We sent in all the paperwork for ours in late November, and still have to wait another 4 weeks for them to be finalised, so this is not a quick thing to organise. Also, it sounds like it might be too late for your DM to do them, if she's already been diagnosed with dementia, however if you can get your Dad to agree to do it, then you really need to get cracking, as if they're not done and registered, and he loses capacity, you will have to apply to the Court of Protection, to be appointed as a deputy, which can cost hundreds of pounds, and take quite a while to organise. Even if they were to give your brother Power of Attorney, you could still keep an eye on things and if you suspected that he was spending your parents money for his own ends, then you would simply have to report him, as he would be breaking the law if he did this. Hope you can get things sorted out.

This, your parents behaviour historically and now is clearly stating that it is more important to them for your brother not to be inconvenienced at all or to have to
financially do anything for himself.
Theyre ok for you to be stressed and inconvenienced and out of pocket however.
Agree that they’ve created and are still fuelling this monster of a situation.

All excellent advise. I have seen similar in my professional life. Your brother likes to play the victim and have everyone dance around him, just don’t play

I was in a very similar position as you several years ago. Having learned the hard way and nearly going under with the stress, guilt and anger at my lazy controlling sibling, I would do the following (which I wish I had done).
Put yourself and your family first, accept this is of your parents making and they cannot put it all on you.
You cannot change your parents and brothers behaviour, that's their choice. But you can change the way you let it affect you.
Chances are it will eventually reach a crisis point and social services/health care professionals will step in. Resist getting dragged into it at all costs.

Get your self on to the elderly parents board - in particular the cockroach cafe thread. The posters there have seen it all and will support you through this muddle.

If either of your parents need care social services will be after the house quicker than anything. Check the land registry. Any suggestion brother is trying to get his name on the deeds you can raise a safeguarding issue. If there is no poa, SS will be on it.

Not your problem.

your parents have assets.
you refuse to chip in towards their care (which honestly you wouldn’t be able to afford anyway - dementia homes are ££££).
you refuse to have either of them move in with you.

it becomes an issue at the point one or both need care. A likely scenario is that they look after each other until they can’t.

at that point they either evict your brother and sort the sale of the house or don’t get the care. The council will not fund it if there are substantial assets.

Charge back - where councils charge care fees against the eventual sale of the house - varies from council to council. Some will only do it for six months or so.

I wouldn't be surprised if he has persuaded your parents to sign the house over to him..in fact I'd be very surprised if he hasn't.
Can you be sure the house is still in your parents name

I expect the brother's well aware of all this, which is why getting POA may well be impossible ... especially if he works to persuade them that OP wants to take all their money 🙄

No just no. If your parents want your brother to continue being a freeloader than fine (well, it’s not but it sounds like they might think it is!). It’s not your problem or your siblings. Your parents can’t have it both ways. I wouldn’t be paying towards this ridiculous situation or investing much time; like you l have a job, children and health issues. I’ve put in boundaries with people and lm trying to not overdo things

You need POA. Super urgently as well. Make sure when you get it that DB is NOT on the POA especially if it’s jointly and severally but honestly just leave him off it entirely.

You get power of attorney and evict your brother. Then get a restraining order if he abuses your mother. His behaviour is elder abuse. He is depriving your mother of medical care because he is using an asset without paying anything to your parents - thereby depriving your parents of the funds to pay for care.

A thoroughly sensible post ... if the parents only want to cry about what they "can't " do there's not much of an answer beyond leaving them to it, and when a crisis comes notifying SS rather than attempting to sort out their mess

If both your parents need care and none of your siblings step up to do it the council will force the sale of the house. I'm not sure whether the fact that is only in your DFs name has any implications if your DM is the only one who needs care.

However, it's possible that your DF will care for your DM and then die himself, or that the cottage that they live in will be sold to pay for DMs care. Or one of your siblings might step up. Even DB might grow a brain and realize that by helping he is feathering his own nest long-term.

If they're determined to support your DB regardless of the cost they will probably do so, and the only thing you can really do is keep your distance.

Having read a lot of these threads on MN, I wouldn't all be surprised to find your DB either inherits the house or a lifetime interest in it.

Gather as much info as you can.
https://www.lastingpowerofattorney.service.gov.uk/guide#topic-what-is-an-lpa
The Donors - your parents - have to instigate it. Or you get all the forms you can and help. It's convincing your Dad that this would be acting in everyone's best interest. Couch in caring for your mum terms. (Speaking to medical people for him etc) It's two representatives and a replacement which should leave him out. Obviously the last thing you want is for your brother to be an attorney so think about the risk of them telling him and him swooping in and whisking those forms away.

Look into financial assessments - Residential and Non-Residential Care Charges. You will need LPA to fill them out though. Speak to Adult Social Care.

100% this. All you have to do is say I won’t provide care.

As the pp has said you don’t need to sort this out. It will sort itself out.

If your DF needs care, the council will step in

My view is that your parent’s care needs have to come first. The house needs to be sold. If it gets to a point where social services are involved, they will expect the house to be sold to fund the care anyway.

Just to add, if your parents don’t sell the house and the council fund their care, this will only cover the most basic care costs. I would be advising them if they want a nice comfortable care home of their choosing then they should sell the house or release equity to pay for it.

Obviously your db isn’t owed anything but could a cheap flat be bought for him out of the proceeds, meaning that he can’t use the “turfed onto the street” argument to block the sale?

Is there a will? Be careful if they feel DB will be homeless when they are gone they may leave the house he's living in to him. I know it's not always a good idea but could your parents get a lifetime mortgage on the house that doesn't have to be paid until they are gone? That would solve the care home fees and ensure the house has to be sold in the end so DB can't just stay there forever.

OP you don't have to do a thing. This will all get sorted when the time comes. They will have to pay for their care and if they own a house they will have to sell it. Stay out of it and let it run it's course.

Then you giving up work to care for them isn't an option anyway.

Just let it play out as it stands.

At the moment you are working yourself up with what ifs and various hypothetical situations that can't happen anyway. Step away.