To think that gentle parenting only works with kids that were easygoing anyway

I use it a lot with my one year old. It’s not discussion based and you can say ‘no’. It’s mainly about having age appropriate expectations of their impulse control. In fact, everything I’ve read that’s gentle parenting related for this age group involved very succinct interventions e.g “I can’t let you hit” and moving your child away. Leaving the area if the child continues but without shaming or an unrelated punishment. Or “we can’t throw that but you can throw this ball” to redirect. Just a couple of examples that come to mind.

I only judge parents who feel the need to put a label on their parenting.

As pp have said gentle parenting doesn't mean not saying no or using discipline. People just get permissive parenting and gentle parenting confused. I think a lot of people these days do permissive parenting as they can't be bothered dealing with emotions which is not what gentle parenting is about at all. I also think that the goal of gentle parenting isn't to have completely obedient, compliant, silent tidy kids. It's about understanding child development and letting kids be kids and helping them to be well-rounded, healthy, functioning respectful adults.

Yep as usual, the people who slate it the most are the ones who don't actually know what it is.

And also to a PP, all feelings ARE ok, it's what you do with them that is the crucial thing. You can be angry but you're not allowed to hit, you can be excited but you're not allowed to race about screaming.....

It can be done very straightforwardly - people have this idea that it has to involve long lectures about "big feelings" but it doesn't. Kids don't listen after 10 seconds anyway!

Communism seemed like quite a good idea until people started trying to do it in real life.

I think gentle parenting is similar - bad practices and human nature interfere: It’s so hard to parent gently perfectly, it is so badly understood and so idealistic that few families execute it effectively.

I think we can all learn something from gentle parenting, but certainly in my house natural consequences are rarely the only consequences. And I have aways made it very clear that my family is not a democracy and my word is law (together with DH’s). And laws aren’t about justice or fairness - they are about the exercise of power.

I cant say either way but I directed my child's behaviour as they grew from being very little so taught them from a very young age what was acceptable or not in a calm way, no idea if this is gentle parenting or not as I have no desire to follow any philosophy, so I have no idea if they would have been what others call easy going or not if I left them to it

and definitely never under any circumstances using the word 'no'.
What are you talking about. SOS definitely doesn't recommend never saying no. You sound utterly confused about what what gentle parenting is, as per usual with these threads. It's boring.

The opposite is true in my experience. I tried more conventional parenting methods with my eldest, who has likely ASD and ADHD, he is and was an absolute sweetheart BUT no attention span or listening skills (even age appropriate when a toddler, no.impuose control at all) and I ended up with a distressed. Anxious, constantly upset little boy who couldn't take part in things. I moved towards gentle parenting gradually on the advice of professionals (at his hospital, under his neurologist he saw for epilepsy) and it is night and day. I now have a child who melts down much less, who attends mainstream school and is constantly praised for his behaviour there.

I also have a 4 yr old daughter who is on the whole like the 'gentle' kids you describe and requires zero effort a lot of the time beyond the odd telling a second time or a toy taken away if using inappropriately and I swear she'd be the same sunshiney and easy child if she'd been raised by wolves.

All kids benefit from gentle parenting, proper gentle parenting with clear boundaries and expectations. With clear language, emotional regulation and a willingness to work through upset together.

I'm all for being gentle with children. For not raising voices or speaking sharply unless there's an immediate risk. For using distraction and persuasion rather than refusal and demands, wherever possible. I don't believe in shaming or humiliating and I say 'that's naughty behaviour' as oppose to 'you're naughty'. I will give choices where I can and explain why when there's no choice. When I did all this in the 90s when it was just 'parenting'.
So the only difference I see with that and 'gentle parenting' is this insistence on making everything about feelings. Affirming feelings, validating feelings, having to leave soft play caused you to hit another child because you had 'big feelings', your feelings are always ok, even when they're really not.
I think a great deal of the problems in our society are caused by people thinking their feelings should be front and centre of everything, and are as valid as other people's facts. So I do struggle with that part.

I disagree. My child with ADHD (possible PDA I guess?) only responds to reasoned instructions - if there’s no why and no discussion he’s never going to do it. Kids like him would have suffered so much to little or no effect in days gone by. Makes me really sad to think of.

My other child is, I guess, more “naturally compliant” - she’s been a somewhat saintly teen - but even then, when she was smaller she wouldn’t do think “because I say so”. Luckily natural approach to parenting is to talk things through.

never a truer post has been made on here!

We do know where the terminally offended come from, I give you that 😂

@hahagogomomoI see that a lot too. It’s just not bothering really! The dc aren’t pleasant though.

Gentle parenting would be lovely if we lived in a gentle world but we don’t and as they grow up it’s a big shock to these kids and can’t cope.

Unfortunately what I see is permissive parenting. Every child needs clear boundaries and instruction whatever their personality or needs, gentle is fine as long as clear and consistent

Gentle parenting with very young dc who have limited vocabulary simply won’t work. They don’t understand the concepts and cannot express how they feel. There certainly are times when “no” is required - not a discussion! Older dc who have acquired language can argue back of course. At length. It’s wearing.

Never smack or humiliate (why do parents feel it’s ok to use the word “feral” about dc? I use that about animals. It’s humiliation in print). It’s wrong for parents to assume all dc respond to gentle parenting. It’s obvious and inevitable that not all dc are the same or can respond as desired. The job of parents is to modify their techniques and be aware their dc need a form of parenting to ensure dc are pleasant to be around.

IMO you have to parent according to the child you have, not to fulfil some ideal about what sort of parent you want to be.

Totally agree with all those saying that gentle parenting is NOT permissive parenting.

i consider myself a gentle parent - calm authority, clear expectations, emotional co regulation and natural consequences. Lots of love and playing and cuddles but DS most definitely hears the word no.

He is on the whole a calm and compliant child (obviously has his moments) but in answer to your question OP what comes first? The gentle parenting or the naturally non feral child?

So you've never heard anyone say something like "You're six, Eva, you're not a baby, stop whining?" or "Don't be so lazy, pick up your toys!" or "I've had just about enough of you today"?? All those are shaming language. It's not literally pointing and laughing at them or shouting "Shame on you!"

Agree with you OP.
Spirited children become very challenging as they age, especially during the teen years.

You can be kind but firm.

I think I might have gentle parented - in that I rarely used the word no, neither of my kids had a 'no' phase (which I clearly remember happening to other kids I knew when I was younger) - but I absolutely agree that it was mainly the children that made that possible.

My eldest just was never interested in doing things he shouldn't - if he was told not to touch something, he just didn't seem to have the little voice that made him do it anyway (I certainly have it!). Neither rewards nor punishments really worked for him either - but luckily, he was just a reasonable child, who didn't need much more than an explanation (despite not even speaking in sentences at 2! - it all went in, just nothing came out)

My youngest is still voted most likely to burn the house down doing something he shouldn't - but he's also just followed his brother's lead, and just has never been a problem - no tantrums, bad behaviour very rare (cheeky and lazy behaviour common).

I do have to establish and maintain habits quite strictly - with the eldest because he's dyspraxic and incapable of making up routines for himself, and with the youngest because if you give an inch he'll take a mile and can sniff out weakness - but it's all in good humour, I'm authoritative but not authoritarian I think - ie. I'm happy to explain, and negotiate up to a point, but if I say that's it, I expect to be obeyed.

I think I just lucked out with easy kids TBH, rather than it being any parenting technique of mine

When you read about "gentle parenting", it is often describe as a method that does not punish but worst does not "shame".

I don't know any parent who "shame" their children, so the whole concept is mainly nonsense.

I don't think gentle parenting is the issue. Its how the parent interprets gentle parenting.

I agree. My late husband's parents were super strict authoritarians who hit their kids a lot. Mine were calm and authoritative. Were they perfect? Of course not.

But my Dsis and I weren't the ones who ended up with major alcohol and self esteem issues. Meanwhile, my late husband and his younger brother both did.

It's anecdote, but still.

Totally agree that the monster kids are being badly parented not gentle parented.
My first born was a monster from the get go. All the traditional techniques made it worse, I was being told he needed a smacked bum, that he needed a smacked bum if he said no to me, etc etc.
When I stopped listening to them and started listening better to my child, structuring his world to avoid some of the issues, and playing to his strengths, it changed radically. He was ‘extremely challenging’ from toddlerhood until he was about 11, meltdowns, rages, etc, but it lessened as we got better at gentle parenting. He needed the intentional modelling of managing emotions- his were very big indeed. He’s absolutely gorgeous now, never given us a moment’s trouble, post 11. He’s 30.

I also had a foster DC tell me he thinks he and his brother are doing really well - less screwed up than most- and that we did a good job. I did weep a tear at that as it wasn’t an easy time and it didn’t end that well.

So don’t diss gentle parenting. It’s powerful when done right.