To think that gentle parenting only works with kids that were easygoing anyway

I think most children need a mix of gentle and authoritative parenting. It's good that we have more respect for children as autonomous people with their own nerds and views. It's good that we encourage children to reflect on their feelings. We don't want another generation of emotionally repressed adults. I think getting down on your child's level and making them feel heard and modelling conflict and repair is fantastic.

BUT not every situation needs gentle parenting. Children also need to learn that sometimes in life you just do as you're told, as we have to as adults at work as well! I will absolutely gently parent my child when she's having intense feelings that she literally can't regulate yet. But I also won't be sitting down having conversations about why she needs to put her shoes on when she goes outside. I'll expect her to put them on because I've asked her and she respects me, without it turning into a song and dance.

People seem frightened to say no now. I also think a lot parenting is them knowing you mean business and following through with clear consequences. I also think an occasional bollocking does not harm a child with otherwise loving, responsive, and emotionally attuned parents. Most of us remember a time our parents lost it at us, and let's be real, most of us probably deserved it 😂 I'd never want to rule through fear and want an open relationship with my child where they can come to me with stuff. Shouting once in a blue moon is not the same as constantly yelling and ruling through fear.

What do you mean by gentle parenting? Do you mean a no isn’t a no and there aren’t boundaries and consequences?

YANBU.

Gentle parenting applied to children who aren't suitable results in harm - to the children who do not grow up to be considerate or respectful, and to everyone around them. It all comes down to the cult of individuality, an absolute mare of today's society. You see it so clearly in Gen Z already. My DC is not being brought up gently. He's absolutely delightful, kind, considerate, helpful, has so much going for him. He of course has tough moments and we have tough parenting moments. At the same time, I would say he is definitely strong willed, stubborn and spirited. He will voice his opinions and you'll definitely hear them. I speak to him with a lot of respect and we both enjoy our chats a lot. But when he gets unreasonable there is no way in hell gentle approach would achieve anything with him. He's just not the type. So there are firm boundaries, no is a no and it breaks me at times but I really do not bend. I'm his mother and he knows to treat me with respect and listen. He knows there are consequences. It makes me sad if he's not happy sometimes, but my job is to bring him up to live well in a society, not to always make him happy.

My neighbour was a gentle parent and her children were awful to my kids to the point where I stopped agreeing to play dates etc. Her kids would snatch toys off mine at our house, refuse to let my kids play with their toys at their house and were generally very badly behaved and in some cases violent or very unkind. All while my neighbour sat back and let it happen with a few pointless ineffective comments about how its nice to share or we dont hit our friends.

I’ve never really thought of it that way if I’m honest. I was 19 when I had my son and a single parent and did baby led weaning and then came across gentle parenting which I liked the idea of. I didn’t do it 100% according to the method but instead used some of the principles but just knew I didn’t want to parent in the way I was brought up as a late 90s baby with authoritarian methods. I was brought up knowing the look I got given by my dad when I was about to get my pants pulled down and smacked while being swung from one arm.

In comparison my dad and grandparents commented how good my son was and how he was nothing like me but I’ve never smacked him. I did use the word no, especially if he tried to hit I’d say no and place him down away from me, every single time. But I placed big emphasis on talking especially about feelings and don’t think he turned out too bad considering I was 19 and on my own. I quickly learnt there’s not really a rule book for parenting (as long as it’s not authoritarian and violent like I had) but the principles of gentle parenting really helped guide me and I’ve never smacked my son and rarely raised my voice and he’s nearly 10 now. Although I must say these late primary school years are pretty testing with attitude and showing off to their peers!

Pretty much the same tactics with mine. Both have turned out pretty ok so far although adolescence for one was challenging,

The problem was that one was emotionally regulated enough to take on board explanations and a lot of words and one would explode if we tried that technique because she got very frustrated and overwhelmed by emotion. She later turned out to have ASD. So it’s horses for courses.

My child is the spirited, non-compliant sort. He’s not easy!
Now he’s in school, I do wonder if I’ve done any of it right…

@somanythingssolittletime Plenty of dc are not capable of understanding and learning from the discussion! This is what parents will not recognise. Not all dc are capable of this for a number of reasons. It’s important to recognise when this works and when a more direct approach is needed. Too many parents plough on without realising dc are not responding and, frankly, are not pleasant dc.

I don't really understand this comment. I think being emotionally mature and not labelling people as lazy, whining, rude, greedy and so on, is a helpful thing to be in the world. Calling names doesn't work on me, it makes me defensive when people do it. It doesn't work on other adults, or colleagues, or friends, or strangers. When I feel shame I don't learn.

It doesn't work on children, except sometimes to achieve the crudest level of short term obedience, which surely we're beyond holding up as the top standard.

The only benefit it brings is relieving the feelings of the parent whose own emotional needs aren't being met in that moment.

I'm not 'terminally offended' by anything, in fact I don't really know what that means. I'm just a better human when I divorce my frustration with other people from the way I choose to talk to them. I'm a better parent when I assume that the child has a start point of having a reason for what they do,and honouring that reason, even if I know they ultimately won't get what they want and they are likely to react emotionally to that.

I think gentle parenting (in its true form) works even better on spirited kids than compliant ones as it generally reduces the likelihood of the power struggles. In my view it’s the more authoritarian parenting that appears to work well with a compliant child as they are less likely to enter a power struggle when they get some ridiculous punishment that feels completely unrelated to the transgression.

I think the trouble with anecdotal judgement of “gentle parenting” is that we as parents are never perfect and it depends on how well you are making it work and whether you’re descending into either permissive parenting or ending up at the end of your tether and shouting at them. Both of which are understandable but going to undermine the approach and give a less consistent message to the Dc and result in “worse” behaviour.

and you know this because?

I haven't read the thread. Both of mine are very high needs and spirited and gentle parenting is the only thing which has worked for them. I absolutely swear by it. They are 11 and 16 now so I've had plenty of years to test it.

No it was not, it was caused by permissive parenting and a refusal to respond to a different child’s needs.

that sounds more to me like a child needing a diagnosis and specialist support. I agree that not getting that is bad parenting but I don't think you can say it was caused by gentle parenting.

In response to the OP. Yes I agree

in relation to the gentle versus permissive versus whatever. Yes I agree.

I think the proper arises when parents refuse to adjust and respond to the child’s needs.

one extreme example, but real. A mum who beautifully raised her first child via permissive parenting. The most pleasant child you could meet.

child two, same. Yet alarm bells were ringing. Nursery phoning, concerns raised. Home schooling now with a 5 year old child who bites and is in nappies.

the youngest, the biggest concern. 🙁 not allowed to any local groups. Will just pick up any object and thump and other child. After family also banned them from visiting new babies, the response? She’s such a kind child. Just frustrated.

the larger worry is the family are now isolated as mum continues permissive parenting. The eldest continues to excel. The youngest are out of control. A famous quote from one “ we don’t say no in this house, we are in charge.”

My kids are in their twenties now, but for me parenting was about explaining, reasoning, trying to bring out the best in them. I did get cross, I did shout - I'm only human. I think we all just try our best. My kids behaved themselves at school, less so at home.
Both lovely adults.

There’s gentle parenting and there’s permissive parenting.

we practice gentle parenting where boundaries and expectations are communicated and, where appropriate, discussed.

What’s a yummy mummy when it’s out?

Then you could call them direct consequences. Saying something is natural isn’t true. So it’s still another term that people are getting wrong. Something being “as close as you can get” doesn’t mean the term still isn’t wrong. People get upset on here all the time when people get the term gentle parenting wrong. They should change natural consequences as well.

They are as natural as you can get while
still being safe - the actual natural consequence of running into the road is going splat and of course that can’t happen. But these consequences are all related to the problem behaviour and so they are “natural”, as opposed to misbehaving at soft play and then being told “no dessert tonight!”

I don't know where they've gotten it from, but I do know parents who genuinely seem to do everything they can to not use the word "no" itself!!!!!

I don’t know but there are definitely some parents who can’t control their kids.

I think parents just like labelling their parenting without actually knowing what it means. The other thing people seem to get wrong is natural consequences. I think they just like the term as it sounds “nice” rather than thinking about what it means. I’ve seen parents on here saying they don’t punish they just use natural consequences. And their examples are things like: removing a toy if the child is playing roughly with it. Removing the child from softplay and going home if they are hitting other children. Forcing them to sit in a buggy/hold parents hands if they run off into the road etc. None of these are natural consequences.

I think gentle parenting has a lot to answer for .. Absolutely do not condone any sort of physical punishment but we have gone to far the other way .

I agree OP. My DD could have been gentle parented, even permissive. She had good language to communicate and good social skills, she would observe others and mimic, so if everyone was sitting, like in a cafe then she would sit too. DS2 needed strict boundaries but was easily managed, again very good language but a sensitive soul who needed a gentle way of communication. Ds1 didn't give a shit about what anyone else did or wanted I tried literally everything, even parenting courses. He needs to be yelled at or else he doesn't care, something that doesn't come naturally to me but i to find my way there. He struggled all through primary school until he met a very tough teacher with zero tolerance and have him a bollocking every now and again. He became more settled and happier. He thrives in a sport with tough shouty coaches. A gentle approach would have resulted in a wild spoilt and deeply unhappy child. A strict shouty approach would have left DS2 and DD deeply anxious. One of the most difficult things for me as a parent was changing myself to adapt to the child. It's just what we have to do because the child can't change their characters or flaws for us.