AIBU to invite my mum over more than MIL?

I do feel blessed to have had a DMiL who would come in and ask what she could do to help. If there was nothing to do she would make us all a drink. I loved her, nearly as much as my own DM, and was devastated when she passed.

So your husband and your mother in law expect you to do this magical work so she can be seen like your mom by your kids?

It will not happen. See my previous post. Your mom comes in and actively contributes and works. She's giving. Your MIL comes over and takes. They see her taking your time and attention and adding more work.

They love your mom because she's present and actively involved. Your MIL won't make that investment and they see her differently. That won'tmagically change.

Their expectations that you do even more work to soothe MIL's feels is extremely unreasonable. You and your kids are not responsible for her feelings and expecting you guys to be is really unhealthy. She gives nothing, she gets nothing.

And your husband can't handle the kids he's got, come on now. If he can run a business he can be a present parent and partner. I managed to parent working 12 hours nights up to 60 hours a week at times

I don't believe you need to justify to anyone why and how you have a relationship with your own mother!

If you try to keep the peace with your husband about his needy drama-queen of a mother, simply make a list of all the things your mum is doing and has done and show it to HIM.

If your MIL is insistant on being a cow, then play her game. Let her visit, but stick to your plans. Offer her a cup of tea - that's polite, but in the kitchen while you get on with normal chores and let the children do what they would be doing without her.

Add a sweet: you're family, so you don't want us to put airs and graces, it's so lovely we can be comfortable with you.

Btw, just in case I come across as unsympathetic - I'm really not. I notice how my parents are with both of my brothers and their wives, and it has become a running joke amongst us siblings that my parents always believe that their sons are poor, hard-working family men, and their daughters-in-law are the ones who call the shots. We get a ton of mum or dad saying sorrowfully that DIL 'won't let' them see the children enough, or that if one or other brother has communicated with them 'it must be coming from DIL!' And on occasion it has been perfectly obvious that they're simply expecting something daft, which neither my DBs nor their wives would be able to facilitate.

People do this stuff. Let's hope we don't when we're grandparents, but who knows?

It's not a fucking competition and you should tell your husband to wind his neck in and get his mother to wind her neck in.

You don't look after your own mother when she's round. She's his mother and it's up to him to look after his mother is he's got a problem with this.

The reason you don't have her over more is because you don't have a close friendship like you do with your mother and because she's a pain in the backside. That's the bottom line.

If he wants to make it 'more equal' then he can run around after her as it's not part of you being a SAHM to be her personal servant. You have enough to do. That's his role as the dutiful son to maintain his close relationship with his mother.

Making snipey jealous remarks about your relationship with your mother doesn't endeer you to making more of an effort. It just makes you dislike her and resent her and want to spend less time with her. So tell him she needs to knock that off too. And he needs to step up and tell his mother to stop trying to undermine your relationship with your mother - it's not your fault he doesn't have that same closeness. You shouldn't be punished or reprimanded for it. He should work on his relationship with his mother inside if it's a problem. If he thinks it's a priority he can cut his day short since he's his own boss - especially if you are well enough off.

I would put money on if you left him at home with the kids every time she came over, he'd soon try to reduce the amount of contact time she had - precisely because she's a pain in the arse.

Oh, sure, but I do have sympathy with her that she perhaps does now find it harder to get into the swing of it.

I don't particularly see why she ought to feel she has to help. It's just that if her relationship with you/the kids involves sitting and having a nice cup of tea someone has made her, then her problem isn't one you can solve. You can't invite her over to do that much more often, because it's time-consuming for you. Your DH possibly could; that's his decision.

I wonder if it's time to be less keen to sort out their problem for them? Maybe a bit of broken-record 'oh yes MIL, have you chatted to DH about it yet?'

I think your expectations for your MIL are clouded by the amount of help your mum gives you, which is substantial. What your MIL does is very normal imo. Making her a cup of tea and a biscuit is hardly a big chore and just common courtesy. It’s normal that she feels less comfortable in your house than your mum does.

He could take the 6 year old over no problem, but the 6 year old doesn’t particularly want to see her unless there’s an incentive (like “if you see granny I’ll buy you xyz) which to me seems wrong to bribe kids.

Because it is.

That says more about her involvement (lack there of) when you have to incentivise your child to see and spend time with her. Can’t exactly blame the child if she doesn’t/ haven’t even try to do anything with them though.

Always surprises me how some family members expect instant bonding/ relationships when you actually have to put the effort in to establish one.

Not keen on young children fair enough but don’t moan about lack of relationship when you chose not to engage during those years.

This is exactly what it was like with my dm when mine were little and it’s to be expected. MIL didn’t complain about it though (if she had I’d have just been honest with her and said my dm comes over to HELP…)

I could have wrote this exact post. I see my mum a lot because she’s my best friend, my MIL is not. She’s lovely and the kids love her but it’s different.

Of course you're closer to your mum. I'm the same with my mum and I see much more of her than I do my MIL. To me that is perfectly normal. My mum has babysat for us in the past and helps out around the house. My MIL doesn't help and is frankly hard work.

I don't see MIL without DH being there and it's up to him to arrange it. We go over occasionally at the weekend for the day. MIL is far more interested in getting DH to do DIY jobs for her when we're there than actually interacting with me or the kids.

If your MIL wants to see more of the kids then your DH needs to arrange that at tge weekend/when he's not working.

Why no shade that your DH can't manage more than 1 of the 3 kids he has chosen to have? Even with his mum there. I would very much think that's a problem. I've even less sympathy now.

Do you never get a break?

They need to go for a less nice lunch at a soft play or farm or something.

Have you thought about having mil over at the same time as your mum? Maybe mil needs to see what good grandparenting looks like. And if she carries on just sitting on the sofa at least you have your mum! My mil was similar for years. She has improved as time goes on as I just don’t make the tea or offer the food any more!

I can attest to this. I was not a hands-on grandmother when they were small, but we have a great relationship now that they are teens and young adults.

I'm often defending MiLs on MN, or at least putting forward their view, but I'm totally with you here.
It is really clear that it is not anything you have done, but it is her own actions (or, more truthfully lack of actions) that have led to the difference in this relationship. It CAN be built by a MiL.
Unfortunately my Mum died young, but I used to see my sister's MiL going round to help my sister out all the time. She'd ask to "borrow" my nephews to "help" her garden or cook or she'd come round first thing to help in the morning with dc1 and 2 when dc3 was born. She'd take washing. She'd ask when she could babysit. She went to watch them play in their football matches. As they got older she went to watch one who was into music play in those painful school concerts. When she was at their house, she'd be crawling round playing hide and seek behind the sofa. she used to take their swimming badges to sew on to their towels for them.
My MiL OTOH was like yours - she'd ask if she could come round then want us to sit in the living room and entertain her. She's never given any of my dc a bath or put them to bed or made cakes with them or gone to watch their football matches. I can count the times she has babysat on the fingers of one hand. She never helped when they were small even though dh was out the house for 12 hours because of work, I was also out at work, and there was a period of months when my Mum was in hospital before she died.

The difference between these two women was THEIR attitudes - they were both MiLs, but were so, so different, and that is reflected in their relationships with their Grandchildren.

Honestly this isn't on you. It's not your responsibility.

My DC is actually much closer to my MIL than my mum but that's because she and DH made the effort to foster the relationship. I don't arrange anything with her and she doesn't always come to ours, he takes DC round hers too. That's what your DH needs to do.

You sit your husband down and show him the post you have made detailing exactly what your mother does, compared to what his mother does

and you explain you dont have time to host, if she wants to come and help like your mum she is welcome, otherwise he can cut back a bit once week, fortnight or whatever and host his mother so she gets to know the kids better

Tell husband you don't socialise with your own mum - you don't have time - she provides home and child care help with each visit. MIL is welcome to provide the same. You would be ecstatic in fact. If she feels she is not getting enough child time, she is welcome to come over and help any time and she is welcome to take the older children (assuming baby is breast feeding) out any time she wants - you will happily drop them off even. Other than that - he can arrange what he wants in HIS free time.
You too work very long hours and you too simply don't have time to knock off at 3-4pm to entertain his mother either.