Giving the ring back - Settle a debate?

Yes I technically 'paid' for half of mine, we had a joint account where both sets of wages went in and he used the joint to pay for the ring. No mention of topping up the joint with the money for my 'half'. However he was a tight twat so not surprising.

When we split I gave it back (I left him), I didn't argue the toss of the money, just wanted rid. This was 12 years ago.

I am not 100% sure but he has a fiancée now and I think my engagement ring is now hers (small place where we live, I have bumped into her a few times and clocked the ring, which looks suspiciously similar- I know there is a limited amount of styles for engagement rings so it might be a new ring in the same style as mine but I do wonder as above, he's tight and probably wouldn't want to pay for another ring...)

3 months salary on a ring is crazy in my opinion, I’d rather go on holiday or put it towards a house

Yes if not married. If married for decent length of time then not sure.

Yes I would give an engagement ring back if the wedding was called off.
i’ve been married 16 years so if we got divorced now I wouldn’t give my engagement or wedding rings back, I’d give them to my DDs

It wasn't an heirloom in my case! IIRC it cost about £400 and I sold it for about £50. Apparently the diamonds had no resale value, so it was just the value of the gold. I possibly would have got more on Ebay according to the jewellers, but I didn't have time to wait for it to sell.

Possibly a controversial opinion but I think in situations like this it is absolutely fine to sell an heirloom ring. The blame for the loss of the heirloom in that situation lies solely with the man. Also in abuse situations, if you need something for your new life, sell that heirloom.

The legal stance in England and Wales is that it’s a gift.

It all depends on context. In most situations, I would return the ring. If its a family ring, return it. If it was bought as a christmas / birthday gift for you as well as a engagement then you could have a good case for keeping it. If the ex, owns you money or ran up debt in your name then you might keep it to cover the debt. If its expensive, it was bought as an investment for a future together which you wont have. So I would return it. Sometimes the cake isnt worth the bake. If keeping it causes resentment, anger or continued ties with the ex. It might be better to get someone else to return it or sign for return. Having someone walking around with bitter feelings towards you isnt worth it. The best thing to do is recover, move on and let go.

I'm aware. I was, quite clearly, talking about what I would personally do. In my case I'm already married so my equivalent of breaking off an engagement would be getting divorced. And then I said what I would do in that instance.

I don't think that sounds at all vague and I definitely agree with you.

If the engagement was broken off through no fault of the wearer then they should keep it.

Otherwise return it. Surely?

where did you get the "three months salary" thing from? I have honestly never heard of this. I do remember the "thing" when I was engaged was for the person who was paying for the ring (shock horror, there were gay couples then!!) to pick out a ring that was around what they could afford and say something like "I like that one, what do you think?" or, if you were really posh but not posh enough to own heirlooms, the buyer would drop into the jewellers ahead of time and tell the jeweller their budget. When the couple went to the shop, the jeweller would miraculously produce trays that were within the budget. My ring cost a lot less than my partner's budget and I think he was a bit surprised when i chose it but I loved it then and, although I no longer wear it, I love it now.

If you have dcs together it’s entirely different. Also if my partner had cheated or behaved terribly etc I’d sell it and spend the money!

I sold mine. The DC needed to eat and he was dicking around with maintenance. It wasn't worth much at all, but paid for a couple of weeks food.

You give it back.

Well if JJ said that, then I would take it aa gospel and abide by her judgement😁

It's "supposed to be" a month's salary according to De Beers the company that sells diamond rings (they started this nonsense a long time ago) It's utter bollocks of course and nobody should spend that kind of money on a ring.

My finace broke my heart. I sold the ring and used the money to go away and regroup!

There is no obligation to give it back.

I couldn’t imagine wanting to keep it however I also can’t imagine the kind of person who would ask for it back! Both very cringey IMO.

The three months salary thing was invented by jewellery companies as a clever marketing trick (diamond engagement rings as a concept were invented by marketers too but cleverly presented as a long established/ancient tradition). So personally I think that's nonsense. Stinginess is never an attractive quality in someone you're going to marry, so if the occasion is going to be marked at all I think it should be in proportion to it's importance. The proportion though is in generosity of the giver, generosity can take many forms not just financial. For instance it could be knowing that your future spouse loves vintage jewellery and spending a lot of time searching for just the right ring (which may end up being relatively inexpensive), or knowing she would like something unique and creative so using your artistic skills to design something custom, or in knowing she doesn't really like jewellery so buying her something else significant and thoughtful to mark the moment, or indeed knowing she would love a fuck-off huge blingy rock and stretching yourself to make her happy. I know that's a vague answer...

I'm sorry if that's your experience but engagements can end for many reasons and I don't think why really comes into play. The thought behind giving it back is so they can sell/exchange/return and recoup the expense.

Legally no. Morally - it depends whose "fault" it is.

I think yes give it back because it’s not a “gift” without strings attached, if you say no when he proposes you don’t get the ring, it’s given as a response to a proposal to be married, if the marriage isn’t happening I’d say give the ring back.

“For example if my partner earns 15k per month after tax should I expect a 45k ring??!“

No to me that feels like conspicuous consumption and there are many better ways to use that money eg in investments, savings or paying down a mortgage. My DH earns a bit above this and we spent £3k.

When my engagement broke down, heartbroken I offered to return the ring, after all I wasn’t intending to wear it ever again.
The offer was turn down, he bought the ring as an outright gift to me and stood by the fact. He was the one that broke the arrangement.

A friend became engaged and the engagement ring was a family heirloom. When she broke the engagement herself and tried to keep the ring she received a solicitor letter asking her to do the right thing and return it. She did.

Its all about situations.

*I eventually married my ex-fiancé after a miserable summer without him. He was equally, if not more remorseful for his actions. Still married.
Now I have two engagement rings…..