Friend coming down hard on me for lack of communication

Set your friend's expectations clearly. She is expecting updates every 3-4 days, which is very needy and with someone like that, an update then leads to a back and forth which becomes time consuming and distracting if you are living in the real world, with family commitments, work etc.

decide what your capacity is to send her messages and let her know. Tell her that if you get busy you won't have the capacity to keep grabbing your phone or tablet because it may not be convenient.

if she insists or doesn't like what you say, then just quietly quit, maybe she isn't a good friend match and time to move on,

quite honestly that would do my head in and I wouldn't be giving in to her demands, but that's for you to decide how much the friendship means to you.

Wowzers. This is more contact than I have with my sister, and we're close.

So you've changed the goal posts. You were happy to have these exchanges when you needed them, but now you don't so you're not interested anymore.

And you haven't explained it to her, you're just getting pissy that she's surprised there's a sudden change and reacting to that. That's on you. Communicate your needs and intentions and let her decide if this is a friendship she wants to pursue.

I can see why it might be annoying, but it's not as though this is new behaviour from her. It's how you've always interacted previously and now you're changing it because you have a partner and don't want the same sort of friendship with her.

Personally, I'd think you were rude and a bit self centred. I assume you let her psychoanalyse your issues when you needed her, but now you're happy and don't want to do the same for her. The very least you owe her is a proper explanation. You shouldn't have to do something you don't want to do, but don't act like she's being stifling if this was previously a set up you got something from.

OMG yes, this is a lot of contact!

I think that's actually quite hard work. Updating someone on your life is difficult if you don't see each other regularly. I find that hard to do with friends who live far away. I prioritise visiting them instead when the conversation can be more natural.

Block? Rather than, you know, have an actual conversation with this friend and just realign her expectations? Bloody hell. I'm glad I'm not one of your friends if you're this unforgiving.

Why do you need to be a slave to your phone? The OP shouldn’t have to reply she is busy.

She’s expecting life updates every 3-4 days - ridiculous! I’d expect life updates from a friend living the opposite end of the country maybe every 1-2 months if you were good friends. People have their own lives, why would you need to know what your friend is doing every 3-4 days? Sounds like the friend needs to live a busier life!

She's being ridiculous.

I agree it's quite needy of her, and there isn't always time for lengthy whatsapp chat. It's strange if you've been close friends for so many years that she doesn't 'get' when you might not have time for a full on back/forth chat over text. With my own mates, it always seems quite obvious on either side when that's the case.

However, as an aside, I can't understand your point that 'I have a partner and also live with extended family' makes you so 'busy' - if you were an A&E doctor or, I dunno, the Prime Minister, you might have a point. But otherwise, I do think friendships need maintenance and it only takes a few seconds to respond.

I also think it goes both ways. I have one friend who is pretty demanding when she wants attention/contact but doesn't quite give back in the same way if I have a need to chat to her. It hasn't badly damaged our friendship or anything - BUT I do think a bit less of her because of it, and she's not the first person I go to when I need support with something. I doubt she'd notice that it feels a bit one-sided, so perhaps think about whether or not this might apply to you.

God preserve us from people constantly messaging one another and expecting immediate responses. What are you, 12?

You're just mismatched with this friend unfortunately and you both want different things from friendship. That's not a big deal but you probably can't be friends.

This

It depends… I had a friend who expected/wanted daily, multiple times a day messages. When you’re a mum, wife, work, have a life it’s hard to constantly be messaging. So yes I did grow resentful of this and the ??? Or you’re taking ages to reply messages just because I couldn’t text properly for a few days.

If your friend isn’t hounding you daily and messages once a week or two for a catch up then yes you probably would be bit unreasonable for a one line response or emoji reply.

"respond to her musings and then psychoanalyse my relationship, soul search, bare my insecurities and ask for her input into my life"

Is that how the relationship used to be, and both ways? But now you are more sorted and don't need it but she still does? She can't fathom the 'new' you?

Ditto. I despise them and I don’t listen to them.

Thankfully only one of my friends ever sends them and we laugh about how they go unheard.

They're an awful way to communicate imo.

Time for an honest conversation with her,bshe needs to back off

Not for the busy OP it won't

I despise voice notes! You’re forcing people to listen to your voice and they may not want to. A written message will suffice!

You’re making her feel that you only bother with her when you’ve got nothing better to do. And it’s true, isn’t it?

I agree with this - took me a long time of one sided effort with a friend to get the message, both just were in different stages in life. I wanted to make an effort to maintain the friendship when the fact it, it had gone quiet for a very long time. No issues, it just is what it is.

I speak to the kids once a week on whatsapp, short messages and d ft from the States once every week for about an hour which is great. In fact she's due to call anytime now, I love our catch ups and to see her on screen. She sometimes does baking while we talk and sometimes craft projects, I'm there with her so to speak. We love a dance session too and generally having a daft m and d time too.😀

That would be a bit full on for me tbh, she either has a lot of time on her hands or just wants to keep in regular contact.

Having heard she sends voice messages about issues and thoughts and wants to input in your life too with lengthy messages back, I'd be out.

I don't even have that with my best friends! It's just more than I could manage on Whatsapp.

I do have two friends with whom we do that kind of VM intensively for a couple of days, but probably once every few months we exchange them, not weekly.

More than that it would be too much for me.

I’m with you. I couldn’t deal with that level of neediness