Friend coming down hard on me for lack of communication

The friendship you mention sounds great. I know exactly what you mean about certain friends, you can go months without seeing them but when you do it's like no time has passed.

But as for "Writing messages about what’s gone on in your life is tiresome ..." you seem to have missed my point. I'm talking about the sort of friendships where you share the day-to-day, thoughts and feelings, just sharing life. Human connection. Not providing updates like some dispassionate news bulletin!

Do you honestly find it tiring to connect with other humans? I wonder if this is the problem underlying the societal mental health crisis - people are too busy doing stuff to be able to engage and connect as humans. I always thought maybe they were just busy with other humans, but perhaps not. Perhaps the depth of connection is what’s missing, almost entirely.

So beautifully put!! ❤️

But she’s asking for constant updates. I have a good friend who lives 3 hours from me (she moved for her DH’s work). We won’t message for months (both busy working Mum’s), occasionally check in and when she comes back to where we live, non stop talking over a coffee. That’s proper friendship where time doesn’t change the fact you really get on.

Writing messages about what’s gone on in your life is tiresome, so agree its much nicer having a chat in person or on the phone. In reality, phone calls are less popular these days and no one does them, which is why everyone messages. I think once a month to catch up on life either message or phone calls is more than enough when she doesn’t live close. Friend sounds very needy wanting life updates after 3 days???

Interestingly my initial response was being absolutely livid - how dare someone demand particular forms of communication from me?! But actually , after a week, I’d cooled down and thought - what’s the alternative - that I lose this friend because I have to add something to my “to do” list, or that I just give a little bit and still have a very close, very hard to replace friend.

idk, meaningful friendships come by so infrequently as we get older, and I really think we should treat them as preciously as we do romantic relationships.

reflecting on your point about recoiling - it might be worth asking why you have that particular reaction. For me, it’s because it’s what my mum always does. Once I understood why I reacted like I do, and realised the situations aren’t equivalent, it makes it a lot easier to think rationally about it.

Exactly this! You explained it brilliantly in your post! It's like living alongside someone in a way, conversations don't necessarily get finished but instead spill into another topic, or get interrupted by another train of thought. I have so much time for friends who share like this with me, they really add something to my life and I do my best to make sure they're getting the same from me. It never feels like ticking off a task on a to do list.

Yes!
This is the sort of friendship so many people don't seen to comprehend. Sharing thoughts and life, not banality and not a chore.

** disengagement !

It's not being a slave to your phone. The phone itself is irrelevant, it's not like mindlessly scrolling. It's about communicating with a friend.

What about before phones? People would pop in and see each other, or chat in the street, a brief chat about their day or just sharing a pleasant moment. Admittedly, this meant physical proximity mattered but then phones mean you can have the same sort of sharing without that.

It doesn't need to be "life updates" either. It's hard to put into words what I mean, but its more about sharing life rather than living your own life and providing "updates" to "stay in touch". Think about the sort of little communications you have with people you see everyday. Some people do that (or want to do that) via text.

I find it really odd the way people seem to stop sharing like this. It's a sort of diaengagement. Even if they send a text or make a quick call, it's somehow distant, as if they are not really there. Not enagaged.

I don't know if it's an age thing, or something about living in this time period, but it's sad. The sense that we're all "busy" in our own lives rather than interconnected.

*Edited to try to explain better

Well I’ve come to eat humble pie. Being expected to be in constant communication throughout the day, rather than communicating every few days, is very different. It’s a style difference so she can’t have a go at you.

I agree. I work 6 days a week (at 75 years old) but always make time to text a friend. I have a long term friend who doesn't respond for days and then says "she wasn't in the right place" is overwhelmed with her life although she doesn't work at all. When I said so she called my needy but I feel if you don't have fairly regular contact you can lose the closeness especially, as in this case you live a long way away and don't see each other much.

I'm so sorry, that must have been absolutely dreadful. It's really sad when you think you're on equal footing and working on a basis of reciprocation with someone, only to have that dragged out from under you. Some people get caught up in their own worlds, and while it's true that it shows what kind of person they really are, it doesn't make the taste any less bitter.

It sounds like you were a lovely friend to her. I really hope you're doing okay now. 💐

That's not a friend but some sort of vampire who transfuses back to the OP. I'd be letting that 'friendship' drop, she sounds like she needs to off load to a therapist .

It’s happened to me in a situation similar to this but I was actually going through a mental health crisis at the time, and she just didn’t bother with me. When I very nicely and gently said that I would appreciate a bit of contact when she knows I’m struggling, she blew up at me, accused me of being too much , and left in there sat in the cafe to pay for our just delivered drinks. I was absolutely heart broken we were the best of friends, and it still hurts now. She herself had struggled with mental healthcare, but much like this situation , was in a good place, new relationship and it seemed didn’t ‘need’ me any more . Despite the fact I just helped her tremendously in many ways through her divorce, with finances, solicitor, mortgage etc. I still feel absolutely betrayed.

Friendships are so important and need to be nurtured just as much as romantic relationships. I see so many posts on here from women at all stages of life, some new mums, some child free, some happily married with teens, and others divorced or widowed with grown children who have flown the nest, and they all have one thing in common: loneliness.

Friendships have come and gone for a myriad of reasons, and sometimes that really is beyond our control. But letting them go because of poor communication or a new shiny relationship is a first class ticket to loneliness, and I feel like this, "if it requires effort then I don't have time for it, I'm busy with my own life" attitude that's knocked around often does women a real disservice.

I totally agree with you and this is how I would feel too.

Did later in your situation mean later that day or week though?

I feel like this would still feel quite suffocating, because you're expected now to add replying to your to do list and will receive consequences if you don't.

Everyone's different so I'm genuinely glad that worked for you, I do find it interesting how different everyone is with this stuff. When I start to feel on a short leash and like our communication pattern is being monitored it just makes me recoil completely and struggle to persist with the friendship.

I’ve had this with a friend before, where I was you in this situation. It became a big bust up. We compromised on me texting “I’m busy right now but will respond later”. Acknowledging her message, but also not needing to take the time there and there.

totally surmountable problem, even if you do feel resentment (like I did!) for being told how to communicate.

fast forward 5 years we’re still best friends despite living in different countries. Shared expectations around comms is crucial for any relationship to thrive, friendship or otherwise.

Yes, but the problem is that OP hasn't made this clear and she's expecting her friend to be on the same page. I also don't necessarily think this is something that naturally happens in all friendships; I've had some ebb and flow, and others that haven't and remained just as strong and "intense" throughout my life.

OP is within her rights to want less intensity, but it's unfair to make out that this is her friend's problem. All she's done is continued in the same way as before while OP has changed with seemingly no warning. They've both been stalwart in supporting one another, and now that OP has moved onto a stage in her life where she doesn't need that level of closeness, her friend is wondering what's going on.

But then again, this is Mumsnet where no one has close friends, everyone is NC with their family, and god forbid anyone answer the door! Meanwhile in the real world, people can strike a balance and communicate their emotions and needs to reach that balance without going scorched earth on long term friendships.

It's a very short sighted idea to start shoving friends away when in a relationship. Friendships often stand the test of time, as OP's has until now. I wouldn't be shaking off old friends for DH if you paid me, and I'm very very happily married.

I hear you OP. Lots of comments on here to the tune of 'it only takes a few seconds' etc but if you are doing that a lot, every day, every week for multiple people, it can absolutely suck the life juice out of you. I have direct experience 😂There are a lot of people (friends/relatives) who I know want more from me that I am able to give at the moment in terms of communication and sometimes people fall through the cracks. I honestly do try and communicate with people who I care about regularly and thoughtfully especially if they are having a hard time but realistically I could spend most of my life on whatsapp if I really did the maximum expected.

I haven't read the whole thread but a thing I find helpful are voice notes - one long distance loved one and I keep in contact purely that way. I wonder if you could leave her one saying something a bit about how you are feeling. You understand, you care etc but you are juggling a lot and struggling to keep on top of all the comms at the moment. Might take the pressure off without hurting her.

I can see how posting on MN takes a different sort of headspace than engaging in a conversation (via text/messenger/whatever) with one person, or even a group.

There are plenty of occasions when I can post on here, but struggle with the more personal interactions. I do explain this to people, and apologise for my lack of response, and I hope that my friends understand, and don’t condemn me.

Why not? My friends say they are busy, I say I'm busy, we all understand what 'busy' and I'll catch up in a week or two when I can means? Why is it taboo to be too busy to have long emotional back-and-forths with a friend?

No one is expected to do it. But using excuses of how busy you are doesn’t wash. The OP is making choices.

Surely as your life goes on this intensity of friendship ebbs and flows. What you had to offer in your twenties and suited you both doesn't suit at different stages.

The book 'Let Them' is very good on this. People often get stuck in a twenties type of model of friendship and get upset when that changes but it's inevitable and typical and fighting it doesn't stop it happening- you can then choose what to do about it, like have more friends closer to where you live, branch out into new circles, allow friendships to have more intense and less intense periods, make the effort to travel to see them. If you demand they make it like in your twenties again, you will be on a hiding to nothing.

Friendships aren't a legal contract and you aren't owed a certain investment, you have to make it doable and enjoyable to be friends with you and if you don't and you make it harder and not what the other person needs, you will lose the friendship.

This is misguided as often life gets easier again as it gets older and old friendships can be revitalised or perhaps you get some new friends so it's less central.

She's coming off needy and clinging and very draining and the back and forth for hours, I could not and would not do that. She sounds like a bit of an emotional vampire wanting excessive attention and your emotional focus be on her for prolonged periods.

Personally, I would either see if she would back off and manage her expectations even though that sounds unlikely, and if she couldn't, end the friendship.

I think it's quite normal to be busy with your partner and to give him your attention when you're together.

Op I would find that needy too.. some of my friends it might be months til we meet. Jobs elder parents etc. They would not be replying if I was texting few times a week we all too busy.