Friend coming down hard on me for lack of communication

People have already said why it's a problem or why it would be a problem.
It isn't 5 minutes for a friend. It's constant having to think about someone that has become too intrusive.

I love my friends and I consider myself friendly and loving, but I have a lot on and I get overwhelmed by people's demands for my attention tbh. I end up feeling like I've spread myself too thin. It's never just 5 mins and there's also a lot of people.

I think at this stage of my life, I've already lost the friendships that were too intense for me or vice versa. The ones that have lasted are the ones that can survive being ghosted here and there.

Yes exactly, I put it in inverted commas because that’s what the previous poster had called it.

I completely agree with you. Calling it a To do list is calling it life admin, not catching up with friends from a place of love and warmth.

I think there is a problem when you start to see communicating with your friend as a 'to-do' item.

Talking to your friends shouldn't be a chore, it should be a pleasure, a mental break from the 'to-do' list to just have a moment with a friend to relax, chat, and a laugh.

I view those moments through the day like i'm stood at the coffee machine, taking 5, shooting the breeze and talking crap.

If taking 5 minutes for a friend is a 'to-do list' item, you need to ask yourself what has happened and why that is.

What was outcome? Were you able to express how you felt at the time? I think this is a really interesting discussion topic btw so thanks for raising it. Lots of interesting comments on both sides.

I honestly think all the people criticising the OP have no idea what it's like to have a friend like this and how exhausting and draining it can be. They are like emotional vampires.

Yanbu. She sounds exhausting.
But she sounds important to you so maybe worth discussing again and redrawing the lines of expectations so you are not going to be constantly set up to fail. You can acknowledge she might feel hurt and that yes your circumstances have changed without bending to her will on this. I would ask her what is the difference between her dropping off when she goes on holiday but not you (I'm curious about that).

Weeks? Try months lol I have a friend who takes up to 6 months to reply. It’s absurd. She has also made no effort to meet up in person since pre pandemic. She honestly isn’t a bad person, but she is wrapped up in her long term boyfriend completely.

I must admit I’ve grown tired of the super slow replies, the never meeting in person - then It’s always a big song and dance to arrange a catch up phone call. But i am one of the first she will call if she has any issues with her partner.

Last time she forgot to call me and she wanted me to reschedule: I was just like look let’s leave it for now because I felt it was almost like an obligation for her. I did that for her sake and mine, I don’t want a friend to ring me out of duty.

At this point I am bored of the occasional intermittent contact we have. She’s not on social media either and I feel we don’t really have a clue what’s going on in each others life.

I stopped sending her birthday presents too because she had forgotten my birthday twice in a row, so I figured she was over it. But she apparently noticed when it was me who didn’t acknowledge her birthday. She made a big deal of mentioning it was her birthday recently and how lovely her partner had been.

I think she expected me to apologise for not acknowledging her birthday. But I just said that’s nice you have your partner to do that for you :) and left it at that!

It’s crazy because I see my friends who live abroad more than I see her. Maybe it’s intentional but I feel relegated to friendly acquaintance status. That’s fine, that’s up to her but if we are no longer close friends I also don’t want her popping into my life randomly and expecting a mammoth update session.

i didn’t reply to her genetic Christmas text, if she wants to have a real conversation she knows where i am -if not, we will let the friendship go then.

I have a good friend who has 3 kids and a husband and she’s very active in her community - has lots of local friends, knows her neighbours, goes to church, her parents live near and she works 3-5 days per week.

So she happens to live in another continent and I am telling you I hear from her way more than the vast majority of my friends here
including the single childfree ones.

It’s honestly so nice hearing from her regularly about her day at work, her kids, her sister. She usually contacts me every few days. When she gets busy she still manages to send me a message telling me how she is,
what she’s doing that week and asking after me.

If she mentions her brother is visiting for a few days for example, I’ll reply briefly to say have fun or whatever, but then I would usually wait until he left before messaging her again - unless she messages first.

I think it’s about give and take on both sides. She is considerate enough to give me a heads up that she may be busier than usual, and for my part I try to be considerate by not bombarding her with texts when I know she has a house full of guests and a busy schedule.

And it goes both ways. I recently told her if I’m quiet for the next little while it’s because I’m dealing with some stuff that I don’t yet want to discuss or go into with her.

She responded immediately with a lovely message and she still checks in now and again but it’s less frequent as she knows I’m a bit less available.

I feel it’s all about communication.

Agreed. And even that wouldn’t be a solution because not all flatmates want to chat.

I don’t feel the need to share my thoughts with people daily I share some stuff with my husband but some things I prefer to think about and work through alone and most things I am concerned about seem less inportant the next day. I wouldn’t have got in to a relationship like the OP’s with her friend in the first place though. It sounds to have a teenage intensity to it.

I think I probably haven't expressed myself very well. I have a lot of friends. I don't tell them the details of my everyday life and what I had for dinner though unless I talk with them on that particular day. I have deep friendships going back decades, and the one rule I go by is to realise there's an ebb and flow to these things. The depth for me wouldn't come from everyday chit chat, but touching base when we can and having a deeper chat on those lovely occasions we can get together in real life, or talk on the phone for two hours, or go out for dinner. That happens pretty frequently as I make time for my close friends.

I wouldn't want a friend who had tackled me three years ago about not being communicative enough, and I wouldn't want repeats of that regularly. It doesn't come with my friendship territory. I really don't know people who behave like this in real life.

You only share with the people you live with?!
Are you assuming you will all live together forever? If not, will you want to connect more with others one day? What do you think people who live alone should do, just not share with anyone? And is it really enough for you to have so few proper, deep connections? Don't you want community? (Unless there will be a drip feed that you live in a commune!)

You say friends are not interested and you have too many to share at that level. But it's the few who one really "clicks" with where you would want to share at that level, not every single friend/friendly acquaintance.

I don't think this is why people are lonely. They are lonely because they don't reach out to the people around them in their local communities, shops, voluntary work, join local groups etc. It is what are called 'loose social connections' that are more predictive of loneliness and the bad health effects of that; close friends come after that.

I don't know how it's actually measured in terms of predicting loneliness. But there's a difference between "loose social connections" and real, deep loneliness that comes from not having people to really share with. It's a quietly devastating loneliness to be surrounded by friendly acquaintances and looser friendships but not have the particularly special close people.

Oddly enough, an awful lot of people who don't reach out, make those social connections, make an effort... do not feel lonely. They don't bother with social connections precisely because they have their partner or family and don't think beyond that. Of course, that may lead to loneliness later in life...

As for not regularly talking to someone the other end of the country, in the past - I did acknowledge that. My point was about day-to-day sharing, whether in person or enabled across distances by phones. So many people nowadays seem to not want to connect or share like this at all (apart from with partner/children).

I'm not being disingenuous.
Perhaps I wasn't clear though - most of my comments have been about friendship more generally, and to some extent what I think your friend wants, rather than this specific situation.

As far as the specific situation goes, I do think it's uncalled for to not respond within, say, 24 hours, to a message asking how you are. You could easily reply in a few seconds, saying you're ridiculously busy but you hope she's closer to resolving XYZ thing you spoke about. Written in a kind tone.

It was a bit of a massive drip feed to mention you'd actually had an in depth conversation or two not long before!

I feel for your friend though. It seems clear it's you that has changed, meaning she has lost a good friend. It is always sad to lose a good friend, and obviously contributes to feeling alone. I do wonder what it is that has made you change. Unfortunately some people seem to drop friends, or at least not really enagage, once they are in a romantic relationship. (Then come crawling back for support when they are single again!) If you have been having in-depth chats I'm not saying this is you, but something has made you step back a bit. Maybe just lack of geographical proximity?

You now mention that you are "constantly sharing your thoughts and swapping thoughts back and forth with the people you live with, local friends, partners, family", but previously made it sound like you only share in this way with the people you live with. If you're keeping up a decent sharing community and many relationships outside the family that's great, and precisely what more people should be doing!

You don't need to have that level of friendship with everyone. But as I said above - she was clearly one of the few you did choose to share like that with.

Agreed it's crap if her communication drops off when on holiday! The sort of sharing friendship I have written about would mean still sharing whatevers going on. Could you perhaps use this to explain to her why you can't always reply in depth (but do reply briefly!)

I feel for her though. Even if it's absolutely completely reasonable for specific friends to become distant or fall by the wayside ... it's horrible to feel alone. Every single one could have a totally understandable reason for disappearing, but it doesn't stop the resulting situation being soul crushing. Please have compassion for that, at least.

I think it’s really rude to respond with an emoji.

It's not projecting, I'm not sure if you know what projecting is.

I'm going solely off the information you've given. If you've argued about it previously, what exactly was the outcome? Did you set your boundaries and stick to them? Explain why? In your OP you describe not wanting her to feel rejected, etc., so I'm assuming you've continued to keep up the contact at the level you are. If you aren't happy then it's still your own making for not sticking with the boundaries you've set (if you've set them at all).

My point still stands; your friendship used to be one way, and now you want it to be another way. If you're either not communicating that or breaking your own boundaries and blurring the lines, then what do you expect her to do?

Do you actually even like her? Because none of your posts sound like you do. I wouldn't dream of talking about my friends like you talk about yours. If you don't like her and the friendship has run its course, be honest about it and let her go and find someone else who she meshes with more deeply. She obviously has a different style of friendship than you do - one you used to enjoy and now don't anymore. It's you who has the issues here, not her.

I don't think this is anything about living alone.

I live alone and am very scant with communication. No news is good news. Delighted to hear from you but equally delighted not to hear from you.

I don't need other people or their communication to fill my day, nor solve problems. I am there 100% and very reliable. But I don't give away my thoughts, ideas, nor respect easily (am a Taurus!).

This includes family and friends.

My newest friendship (since 2 years) my friend is still getting used to me. Every month or so, we have a 30 min convo on the phone. We do share a hobby interest. But she has remarked am not great at communication and my reply is I'll communicate when I want to 😬.

Bottomline, it's your friends personality not living status that affects how often she communicates. And it's your boundaries you've responsibility for.

A few minutes every 3-4 days is hardly a lot. It doesnt take long to say how your week is going or what you've got coming up. A back and forth for a few hrs is still only minutes, you dont need to reply immediately if its not convenient. You dont really sound any busier than the average person, in fact living with a partner and extended family is literally just living for many people. I live with 4 adults and almost a zoo of animals. Life is hectic but I make time for friends, if I'm too busy I'll respond but say I'll message later as working or doing x,y,z.

If you're not interested in the friendship thats fair enough but your excuses are frankly bizarre. Your updates are just telling us all why you're reasonable when others are saying your not.

No one is suggesting that OP has to. If that isn't the kind of friendship she wants anymore, despite it having been the norm for her and her friend previously, then she needs to communicate that clearly with her friend.

As it stands, she's got her life sorted and a new partner, and doesn't need her friend to discuss these things with anymore like she used to enjoy. She wants to change the way the friendship works. She's entitled to do that if she really wants to, but she needs to realise that her lack of communication of these changes is causing her friend to feel confused and likely hurt.

She's acting like her friend is suddenly stifling her, when in reality all she's doing is the same thing she's always done - which they both used to do for each other. That's not her friend's fault. OP wants to redefine the boundaries of their friendship, so she needs to speak up and do it properly rather than just being wishy washy and leaving her friend in this weird limbo.

I share with the people I live with, that's the whole point.

I also share crap like what I had for dinner with my mum.

I can't share that type of stuff with friends as they are not interested and I have too many friends. If I updated friends every three days, I'd be texting someone several times a day on rotation and that's just not what I can give to a friendship. My best friend I speak to about every two weeks, but it's been every two weeks for over forty years and if there's a crisis, it would be daily.

I don't think this is why people are lonely. They are lonely because they don't reach out to the people around them in their local communities, shops, voluntary work, join local groups etc. It is what are called 'loose social connections' that are more predictive of loneliness and the bad health effects of that; close friends come after that.

This isn't a crisis of friendship, in the past people didn't talk every three days to someone at the other end of the country, they talked with who was close by.

I think you have hit the nail on the head here.

But for OP it does. And tons of people seem to think she ought to just suck that up. Even though her list of interactions shows plenty of connections in their interactions. This is making her stressed and unhappy. Why does she just have to absorb that?

Same!!

Don’t most people connect with other people all day long at work, partners, kids etc? The point op is making is why should she be needing to constantly connect on her phone when she wants to cut off in the evening? Everyone feels differently about phone use and op is clearly finding it too much.

Its not a change in society - im sure I wont be the only one who can remember their home phone ringing and my parents saying ‘who’s calling this time of night’. It was probably 9pm. Now its very normal to have multiple chats with messages till late in the evening. You wouldn’t have called a friend who lived far away every 3-4 days in the days before mobiles, so why should her friendship be judged on whether she replies practically daily or not?

If I was her, its time for honesty. Tell her friend she really values her friendship but she doesn’t do constant messaging and its naking her feel overwhelmed. Chat on facetime once a month and have a proper genuine chat.