Friend coming down hard on me for lack of communication

Nah, she’ll want to have a heart to heart about it and endlessly express her feelings of hurt and apply the thumbscrews for an apology.

That’s the whole issue. There is no shaking these people off. They will insist on having the friendship they want with you, with or without your consent

It’s super clear how you feel, I don’t know why you bothered asking MN. If you find her so tiresome then send her this thread and you’ll never have to worry about her bothering you again.

I feel like I need to defend OP on this, some people are on the introverted side and get exhausted with too much social interaction, I do. If I lived with a partner and extended family I’d struggle to have social battery left to text friends back. My friends know to expect replies late unless it’s urgent.

If people aren’t making the effort you’d like them to make, they are not invested to the extent you are. It is that simple. They just don’t want the same intensity of contact with you than you do with them. Nobody’s done anything wrong, it just happens! To everyone!

The difference is that some of us are able to let go, rather than insisting on holding someone’s nose to the grindstone of a friendship they’d rather let drift, while feeling increasingly bitter about it all being one-sided.

It boggles my mind that it takes decades for people to understand they have the option of ‘matching other people’s energy’ - and yet it’s thought of as some cunning and spiteful form of punishment, rather than basic social attunement.

OP, I have dropped a friend recently who would text constantly whilst I was working (despite me asking him not to), then in the evening he’d instigate long chat texts about nothing important, even if I spent hours in person with him that day (our dogs are best friends so we walked a lot). I explained I am busy, I don’t like being glued to phone, that I need off screen time etc and he would not stop. He was lonely I think but I really need space so why should my needs come second to his? Anyway, it drove me mad to the point he’d text and I’d feel instantly annoyed. Some friends are too needy and take too much. If your friend is making you feel this way, I can tell you I am so glad I ended my friendship. It was exhausting.

Please keep the excuses like this coming, it’s honestly hilarious.

I've had almost exactly the same situation - me being very busy with family, Christmas, travel and various commitments whereas my friend lives alone, rarely leaves the house, has no family and doesn't drive. She'd send long emails and talk on the phone for literally hours. If we wanted to meet, I'd have to drive over to hers - about an hour each way. Over Christmas, I was just too busy and told her I couldn't manage a two- hour phone call. She then said our friendship was no longer 'right for her'. She just didn't seem willing to compromise.

Regardless of busyness, if you don't feel inclined to contact her as regularly as she wants, it's because you don't have the same expectations/needs, either of this friendship or of friendship in general. That's nobody's fault & not to be guilt-tripped over, either by her or here! She can either get used to how you are or dump you; you can either push yourself a bit more out of your comfort zone, manage her expectations with an explanation like you've put here, ignore her sometimes, or withdraw entirely. All are valid imo! I have friends who message all the time; I'm not wired that way so I just don't always respond. If one of them told me off, I'd feel they'd got me a bit wrong, and would probably leave it on read. If they pushed for a conversation about it I'd say - I care about you but people's communication styles are different and high volumes of messages are just not how I operate, at least at the moment.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. I had this with a friend a few months ago who seemed to erase all the many many times I’d been there for her when I wouldn’t text for a couple of weeks. We both have kids, they were sick, work was full on - sometimes life is just busy but you want to be judged on your whole friendship and knowing that you can be there for each other when you need it. I don’t expect my friends to always be replying to me, if they can’t I assume they’re busy. It takes a lot for me to then not follow up after a few weeks or try and arrange something. I think it’s a bit demanding tbh. Though worth checking she’s not going through anything else atm as that can sometimes make the best of us behave differently!

And?. You're in the wrong. Not understanding friendships.

I get it. I love seeing friends in person but I hate ongoing text conversations. I only really want to text to make plans to see each other or talk on FaceTime if it’s one of my longer distance friends.

Honestly I spend enough time on my phone between work and kids and life admin.

I am ‘bad’ at getting back to people and it’s because I work long hours and don’t take personal calls/messages in day and evenings are spent walking dog, cleaning, cooking and occasionally I find time to watch a film and relax and I put phone away as I have been on it all day for work and also I like off screen time due to migraines. There’s loads of reasons why someone can’t text back as much. Some people are introverted and hate being attached to their phone 24-7 feeling obliged to reply within a given time frame as it feels like admin not communication. I much prefer face to face time.

maybe she loves you ? as a friend..be kind, don't judge

I had a friend like this. He lives in the US. We both had partner and kids, sometimes he would be single with full custody of kids and a couple of times so was I. We have been friends for 27 years. First 10 were great but then he slowly became unreliable. Then he'd be full on again. On and off.
I always put in effort regardless and he would go through stages where we would be in contact then go through stages where he was hardly replying if at all unless I gave a second message.
Finally this year I've had enough of feeling like the effort and friendship was one sided. I decided after reaching out 2x in 3 weeks to no response and watching him post on Facebook I'd had enough. This year one of my new resolutions was to match efforts. Stop feeling like certain relationships are all one sided and it's always me reaching out. So he has been the first to go this year. I just out of the blue blocked him on Facebook and phone number on my phone. Don't know if he's even noticed or cared because he has no other way of getting in contact, we did have a mutual friend but she ditched him years ago for similar so can't be through her. I am still friends with her she would be the only way he could have reached out, but I just can't be bothered with half assed "friends" anymore.

Same could happen to you. Takes 3 seconds to send a message it's not like a 3 hour phone call. Messaging to stay in touch is easy and takes such little effort.

I love voice notes from my friends! I love hearing their voices. I have two that send them, but it's probably only two or three times a year, we have a flurry of voice notes and then try to meet up once a year if possible. Both live abroad.

are you being ironic ?

Not everyone

Voicemail monologues are so tedious.

If someone is constantly saying they’re too busy to talk to you, why can’t you take the hint? This is what I never understand.

If someone was taking pains to impress on me how terribly busy they were, and not replying to my messages, I wouldn’t think ‘well they’ve got a cheek! It’s all just a feeble excuse not to communicate with me! I won’t let them get away with it!’

I’d think, huh, maybe I’m coming on a bit strong. Or, maybe they’re just not that into me. And I’d back the fuck off. Not double down and take them to task.

I also don’t get this idea that nobody’s allowed to post on MN until they’ve diligently replied to every text message from their needy friends 🤣

Doesn't sound like she's jealous at all to me!

Im inclined to agree with this. I have a ‘friend’ like you and she’s always busy, there is always so much more going on in her life than anyone else’s, she is always the most stressed and tbh… it’s an excuse to palm people off. You are able to find time to post on MN but you can’t reply to a txt message, it sort of sounds like an excuse. If you don’t want to be friends with her then don’t be, otherwise she likely feels like it’s a one sided friendship.

Sounds like it's a job for the mate, all relationships need nurturing you can't just continually ignore mates it's a twattish thing to do.

I would probably be like your friend. I understand no reply for a day or two but more than that I'd find a bit rude! How long does it take to text a reply? Everyone lives on their phone anyway!

Is she a friend or an acquaintance? It takes minutes to have a WhatsApp catch up, or message and say I can’t call now, I’ll phone on …. I’m always happy to hear from friends. I think saying you’re too busy is just an excuse and can’t be bothered.

Very harsh . . .