Friend coming down hard on me for lack of communication

As a parent, with a full time job and a big house (yes, tiny violin but it needs cleaning) , I have about 200 2 minute jobs a day. And who wants to make a chore for their friend?

I don’t know why people are giving you a hard time OP and that’s before your latest update. I don’t think it’s realistic to maintain the same level of closeness with a friend when you’re at a distance and sometimes both sides need to accept that. The fact is it does become an additional task to do in your day. I don’t think it calls for any dramatic severing of ties either like some have suggested!

Her expectations are her problem. The people who have no tolerance for friends that say they are too busy are entitled to pull away from a friendship that doesn’t work for them but they aren’t owed anything from that person. Some friendships only work with matching attitudes to communications or at least tolerance that others are different.

Having seen your update, I change my mind! That's an insane level of communication given she knows you were on a trip. I'd just gradually cut back a bit or send 'lets catch up properly at this time' messages

Fuck that shit op.

I'd do just exactly what worked for me. If she's not satisfied with what you have to offer, that's her problem. I'd find an expectation of that level of contact suffocating in anyone but my husband. Sorry if it offends or annoys some people, but yes, my husband is more important to me than any friend, and of course I will prioritise time with him. Honestly, sometimes you just need a break from people and not to be expected to take the time and energy for in-depth communication. Some people are simply too demanding of their friends.

Can't you just reply 'not ignoring you I'm busy (doing whatever you're doing that's keeping you busy) but will message you properly at the weekend / let's schedule a video call on x date to catch up properly.

I'd not mention the 'I have a partner and live with family' reason though, plenty of people in that situation manage to message their friends and sounds a bit like you think she is just messaging you because she has nothing better to do

That's incredibly OTT!

Ah, now this makes more sense!

It's the lengthly back and forth's that makes all the difference. Your OP made it sound like you just didn't want to share little messages.

If I were you, I would reply to the brief messages with equally brief responses. It is crap to ask someone how they're doing and be ignored. Also, it reads as if you've been there for her and she is trying, in return, to take an interest in your life. But if she wants a long back and forth, you can explain you are too busy for that at that moment.

YABU.

My BFF lives the opposite end of the country, we speak EVERY DAY, several times a day. a good morning check in, a meme here and there, a photo of stuff, pets, kids, screenshots of conversations we've had, jokes, moans, and most evenings an extended chat. We're both parents, with disabled kids, both busy, but we both make the time to make each other feel loved, and valued.

Quite simply, you're making excuses, you clearly don't value the friendship the same.

If you wanted to, you'd make the time.

Stop kidding yourself that you're too busy, you're not, you just can't be arsed.

I couldn't even be bothered with such nonsense!
Why do you put up with it?

Whoops, i should have read the massive drip feed before posting! 🤣

I think you would have had a more positive response if you hadn't said you were busy with your partner-very cringe.

I've got so called friends who pull the whole 'I'm too busy to reply' crap. Takes 2 mins to reply to a mesaage, or to send one. As I get older I'm finding myself much less tolerant to it, and am starting to distance myself. We are all busy. You don't sound any more busy than a normal person to me from your OP.

If you value her friendship then please listen to what she is saying to you.

Life's too short for needy friends. I don't entertain people like your friend, I had a few people like that in my life and I cut all of them off.

I think if you’d put that in the OP a lot of responses would have been different.

I disagree with a lot of PPs saying that if you have time to reply and say that you’re busy then you have enough time to reply properly.

Responding to a message with interest and engagement, and then offering your own interesting/insightful/amusing life update takes time and head space.

I think it’s really rude and invasive to expect immediate lengthy responses. Back in the day, we’d receive a letter, we could read it, then have a think about a response and then write it. We weren’t bullied into dropping whatever we were doing and composing quick superficial responses immediately. I also don’t care about hearing about Little Timmy forgetting his PE kit again. It’s boring.

Deleted given update.

OP is getting an disgraceful pile on for no reason.
Don't cave in to shameful emotional blackmail. If you have the need to be off the grid for a few hours every day, go ahead and do it. Your friend can go fuck herself if she does not respect that.

Living alone is very often not a choice; I'm gobsmacked you don't realise this.

People cannot simply conjure up a decent partner out of thin air.

Nor can they conjure up likeminded friends to live with. (Hell, apparently they can't even guarantee friends who will reply to messages a couple of times a week!) Even where suitable housemates can be found, this situation is unstable as people move in with partners or move away for other reasons.

Unfortunately this sort of viewpoint, and subsequent behaviour, is what leads people to desperately seek romantic relationships, or cling to damaging relationships rather than live alone.

ETA -
You clearly don't understand the community type connection I have outlined. Or you'd understand having contact with others outside of the family you live with.

This! I have a friend like you and it’s so frustrating. We don’t live close so our options to continue our friendship are either - accept we’re friends who catch up once or twice a year, or call / WhatsApp! She hates call / WhatsApp yet also appears to hate the fact o don’t turn to her or update her about things in my life on the same way. Friendships take work and if you’re not willing to spent 5 mins every 4 days on someone who is one of your good friends then they aren’t actually a good friend. And that’s fine, but acknowledge that.

You sound like you resent your living situation.

Living alone is often not a choice. What would you like your “friend” to do. Get random flatmates so she doesn’t bother you?

I never, ever listen to voice notes. I also silently and covertly judge the people that send them.

I think people who expect an instant response via WhatsApp need to check themselves. Imo it’s healthy to give yourself time to reply when you have a clear head and not feel pressured to always be available to respond in the moment. It doesn’t mean you don’t care about your friend, but it does mean you don’t agree to being constantly on call for anybody who wants to demand your attention. If your mate is looking for companionship she probs needs to find someone who doesn’t have such a full plate. With my good friends I can leave messages unread for chunks of time, sometimes weeks and they don’t care and are free to do the same. Try it, it’s liberating