Friend coming down hard on me for lack of communication

i meant in the way of someone who is always on the phone when they need something, but nowhere until next time when they need something. but this isn't the case from op's later update.

they are texting almost every day anyway so her friend sounds very needy and needs telling to like it or lump it. life is busy enough without this carry on.

Your friend is BU. You can send a very short reply and then say you will send more when you can as your currently away/working/whatever. This is what me and my friend do, we live hours away from each other. Some weeks she sends more/longer messages and sometimes I do. We both understand we have full-on busy lives. Your friend sounds bored tbh she needs to get out more/get more hobbies and not solely rely on you all the time for social engagement.

I am with you OP it’s too much. The whole text message and expectation of exchange has become rediculous. As someone who works full time, runs a busy household and is hand on carer to elderly parents I can honestly say I don’t have time for idle chit chat! I don’t have the time or mental capacity to type out all the shit that happens in my day. I have a large group of very supportive friends all in similar boats and none of us put pressure on anyone to respond. If anything if one of us goes off radar for too long we check in that they are ok. Yes I have time to scroll on mumsnet right now because I’m waiting in the endless queue to pick up prescriptions again and it is a little bit of an escape from everything I have to cope with. True friends support you they don’t berate you for not being available 24/7

This is my question. OP can you tell us? It's hard for me to decide who is BU without being a bit clearer about what she actually said to you, whether she was actually 'rapping you on the knuckles' (even if it felt that way) or just expressing that she feels lonely and would like more contact. If the latter I don't think she is BU to express what she's feeling, just as I don't think you would BU to express to her that you've got some social burnout and you won't be able to be in touch for a bit.

it doesn't, but you also said you don't want her to feel neglected, so you need to have a conversation with her about it, or carry on as things are and potentially lose the friendship.

I have a friend who is.. sporadic in responding to me, in contrast to my bestie who i'm back and forth with daily, this one can leave me hanging for a week or more sometimes.
I accept that's how they are, but there was some issue for a while where i felt they didn't give a crap, even though every time they popped into my DM's they complained they missed talking to me... and we found a moment to talk about it properly and they explained their position and why they're like that and it was fine after, because i'm not as ass who drops friends over this stuff. I meet them where they're at.. but that chat did need to be had to resolved the friction there.

Lot of projection going on here. You don't owe anyone a certain level of response. Some people are busy. We all have things going on. I have friends who respond immediately and others who don't even look at their phones until 8pm when their kids are in bed.
If anyone has a go that you arent responding in their favoured pattern they can go touch grass.

OP, ignore all the 'it takes two minutes' posts because they're not getting it. Your friend would like more and longer replies: too bad. You've been messaging her but it's never enough. She can cope with what she gets, or she can bin you as a friend, and I don't see how that helps her isolation. Just blank the guilt tripping from here on.

To you perhaps, to us its normal, most of my friend group are the same. We're all disabled with kids with disabilities, and DM's are a lifesaver in terms of social contact, having people around you that understand, and helping you feel like a human.

For some of us, we don't speak to anyone that isn't in our household or work for days on end in person... i haven't since boxing day because life is life-ing, as it does.. but i still find moments in the day to communicate with my best friend when they cross my mind.

If my friend lived closer we'd be in and out of each others houses when we had time, having coffee and a chat, but we can't so DM it is.

My point is, you find what works for your friendship, the op went 4 or 5 days without saying a word, which their friend got upset about. 5 days is a long time not to even find 10 seconds to type 'good morning' or 'how you doing?'

To make excuses of being 'too busy' to even do that.. rubbish. No-one is 'too busy' to find a few moments to say hi to someone over DM if they wanted to.

this.

To be fair, if you're introverted and your life is full of people, the last thing you want to do is open whatsapp when you have a bit of breathing space.

I can genuinely see both sides to this. I have said YABU simply because you need to be consistent with the level of communication you are comfortable with. Amping up and dropping off could be seen as rude. One full update a day for example, then be consistent.

Shes too needy and has too much time on her hands, just tell her shes too much and needs to calm down a bit
Friends are meant to compliment your life not add to everyday stresses

I had a similar issue with my sister , she lives alone and I have 3 kids one who is disabled and requires a lot of care and attention. My only free time is when they are in bed and all I want to do is sit in silence. Its difficult as I can see both sides.

i. Guess it comes down to how much you value the friendship? If she’s worth keeping find time to answer her (keep messages as unread until you do) and put a reminder on your phone to check in with her once a week yourself. Let her know when you are away and say you won’t be in touch for a few days

I think what happens is some friends always require more. You cannot just type a small update. It's always got to be a dense conversation with more questions. The friends I have, I can talk to for hours at a time....that is every few weeks or every month or even more. Then I'm all yours, we can yarn for ages and phone each other back repeatedly.

But constant updating every few days when you have kids, partner,family life which often requires a longish convo, it's hard to keep that up.

There's only one friend I am happy to do that sort of thing with.

I think friendship is too rigidly defined, by many and a lot of people aren't flexible in their expectations with their friendships.

There are friends you might speak to every day - these friends might be more like kin. You might want your friend to be like this, but the feeling isn't reciprocated to the same extent.

Friends you speak to every few weeks

Friends that you check in with every few months, with absolutely no resentment and the closeness is just as strong.

Friends that are quasi acquaintances that you check in once or twice a year but will be there is a crisis and vice versa.

Friends that you mostly go out for socials with

Friends that aren't so good for going out with, but you meet up for coffee occasionally.

Friends for mostly intellectual conversations

Friends that are good for socialising with the kids in tow but not so good outside of that and you only really chat around kids and meetup with them on kiddie dates.

Friends that you dump the kids to see/aren't great with kids around

Friends that are married and you socialise more as a couple with but not outside of that

Etc etc etc.

A friend that requires more than you can give and won't accept any flexibility might be one you do not want to keep.

That’s too much. Send a reply saying you will catch up at the weekend/next week/when relatives gone then leave it until you have time.

What in earth? Posting for discussion on mumsnet isn’t the issue.

Maybe they are lonely. It's fine that you live with a lot of other people and our understandably peopled out, but obviously they are not. It's fine if you haven't got capacity for that but a bit of understanding that they have a very different set up to you might be a good thing.

Same.
It was fucking exhausting.
Plus the single ? If I didn’t respond in a timely fashion
Fuck that shit

I had one of these , if I wasn't available on messenger she'd go to WhatsApp then snap maps to see where I was . If I didn't answer a phone call she'd continue to ring instead of leaving a message I saw her plenty face to face aswell. I had to turn off read receipts because if I didn't have time to reply or there really wasn't anything to reply too I'd get a barage of nasty messages. She wanted to know my every move . I started to feel weird about it, hid things I was doing because it wasn't worth the inquisition.

This.

If you feel constantly on the hook to update her / make sure she's not lonely etc - that doesn't strike me as hugely healthy. I'd suggest she needs more going on in her life.

This response means you can ignore all the ‘it takes 2 minutes’ posters. It doesn’t.

People who like to keep their friends in the doghouse all the time about not being attentive enough tend to drive people away.

I quickly divest myself of people who are needy and chastising like this.

If you can’t hang on a few days for a reply to your chatty message without feeling so ‘neglected’ you want to start an argument about it, you need help with emotional regulation.

The poster you're responding to is a woman.