Friend coming down hard on me for lack of communication

What did she actually say, and how?

I'm quite surprised at the initial replies but suspect they originate from how we expect others to treat us. As a friend, I don't expect responses from friends in any certain time limit and certainly would feel suffocated if I was expected to message every few days and getting told off if I didn't. That wouldn't be a friendship I'd be interested in continuing.

It's boring though!

Painfully boring to compose and type. And adds nothing to the other person's day or the friendship.

I would reply “ sorry but I don’t like being told off like a small child because I am not sending as many texts as YOU want” “ The person who wants to type most often doesn’t get to control the other’s time” but I would be happy to lose such a needy friend. Friends should enhance your life not be a chore. Some people live on their phones and their sense of self worth is overly tied up with others’ response times and likes etc. It sounds as though she could do with some nearby friends to chat with in person. I give daily updates to no one.

But you are choosing your own busy…you are prioritising the other things you are busy with. Again, nothing wrong with that. But anyone can find a few seconds to send a text if they wanted to. Hell, I send texts while I’m on the toilet when it’s important to me.

@Uhohhouse - I think you need to say this to your friend. I am an introvert, and I know that, sometimes I struggle to reply to messages or to get into conversations with people - so I do worry that I offend or upset people. But I am open and honest with my friends, and when I am struggling, I say so, and I apologise for not being as communicative - and I have found that people do understand.

I would send her a message saying basically what you’ve said in this post - you are sorry that sometimes you drop off, communication wise, but you have a very busy life, with lots of people talking to you, and sometimes you can’t respond to every message fully or quickly because you are overwhelmed - you hope she will understand that it is nothing personal, and that you will be in touch when your head clears a little.

She's turned your friendship into a chore, something you have to do every 3 or 4 days.

I think your friendship has changed on your end to a lower level, less intense friendship and she's trying to keep it at best friend forever level and she uses you as a sounding board and expects the same level of emotional and time consuming connection. You've got a busy life, she lives elsewhere, this is now a long distance relationship where things on your end have cooled down.

You're going to have to explain you're in a busy time and there's just not time and privacy to have long soul searching convos on an app. She's draining you when you need your time and energy for your life. It might be time to dial back the friendship, but she sounds quite intense and that may not be possible.

Friends how much you value her friendship. I have a very busy time with elderly parents, working full time and 3 grown up children who still want me in their lives thankfully. I also have a friend who is a widow and lives alone. I prioritize her a fair bit and if I’m going to be busy I’ll let her know in advance so she knows I won’t be messaging as much.

I think it is a bit much. I am a single parent and fully understand people with partner etc less time or more people to communicate with. Also if someone is away I tend to leave them be. Unless you ignored her for weeks I think she’s being a bit much

I want to talk to you about all of this, so let's find a time when life isn't so busy".

Sometimes I feel too busy to deal with other people's emotions. It's not that I don't WANT to, it's just that at that moment in time I haven't got the headspace to do it. Because my head is busy with everything else.

Sh can say it of course, but it always sounds like it’s not true. She is not too busy, she just doesn’t want to (which is a very valid choice).

I have a friend who sometimes seems to want to guilt trip me about not having been in touch.
Most recently was a day when they were having a medical procedure. I'd already said to them that unfortunately I wasn't around at all that day, into late into the evening, and the following day I was working all day, then had a family event.
I was very very clear about this and said I'd most certainly contact them the day after the family event.
At the time we'd spoken about it, they had the opportunity to change the date of the procedure (not that I'd be able to attend as we don't live near enough to each other).
Unfortunately friend has memory problems and forgot the entire conversation so then rang me the evening of the family event, having a bit of a go about me not phoning them the night before.

I know they can't help having memory problems, but I still felt terrible, even though I'd already explained at length why I wasn't able to contact them. It put a bit of a damper on the family event as I was on the phone an hour to said friend.
I'd have been more than happy to talk for as long as they wanted the next day.

I find that really scary!

To be at the beck and call of your phone all the time, never to be able to choose to set it aside for fear of irritating someone!

No, not for me. You can all wait until I have the head space and actually want to communicate with you!

Why can't the OP say she's too busy? She is too busy to get into emotionally dense conversations every few days.

I think someone else suggested this further up the thread but maybe the answer is scheduling a weekly call. Could even be while you’re in the car in your way back from a regular appointment or work or something. That would hopefully give her the contact she needs and at the same time remove that feeling of dread with the texts.

Sometimes I forget to answer friends. I have quite a few friends, children, am a lone parent and work full-time. So do many of my friends. Sometimes we drop the friendship ball and pick it back up, say oops, and go on. If you start pressuring the other person, it never works. The OP is already finding the emotional connnection a little strained, perhaps she doesn't want an intensive friendship of the type of years ago right now. Whatever the case, pushing it is not usually the right thing to do.

If you want to sustain the friendship, I'd say 'there's no issue from my end, I don't think I'll be able to text more though at the moment, just a busy life' and see what she says. Or call her. It's just not meeting yours or her needs right now and the onus on her is to flow with that or risk it just ending.

You don't have to be friends!

I don't get this obligatory thing at all with friends that appears on here...it's so different to anyone I know, who usually appreciates what you can give, even if it's not very much!

They absolutely don’t. You just need to find a way to tell her that communication in that way is difficult for you at the moment, but please don’t tell her you are too busy.

I have a friend who does this kind of thing to me. She doesn't live alone, married with two small kids but messages me every day or so asking how my day was and gets narky if I don't give her a full blow by blow.

Sometimes I leave her unread because I haven't got the energy I need for her to feel satisfied with the interaction and go back when I can.
Usually with an apology for "missing" her message.

If she would be happy with a simple "yeah we had a nice day thanks" then I wouldn't feel like this when she messages. But she won't be. She will continue to ask and if I'm brief she'll "worry" that I'm "holding back" on her. Sometimes I'm just tired and have looked at my screen at work all day and don't want to be on my phone while I have time with DD and DH.

The balance needs to work for both of you and sometimes people have to drift apart because the friendship is no longer mutually beneficial.

Over CHRISTMAS. Its a month later now.

It isn’t. I’m on mumsnet for my downtime. For when my brain has no space for thought. For when I can get immersed to the precise level I want with other peoples problems rather than my own. It’s my relaxation time. The op does not need to justify anything to her friend or us. I have a certain amount of time available each day to help other people, and a certain amount when I’ve got nothing left to give other people. That is allowed. Why does society constantly expect women to pour and pour from an empty cup. I’m fairly sure there will be very few men who are expected to constantly text a long distance friend when all they want to do is have a beer and watch the football.

So- for me, a friend 'coming down hard' would not be a friend.

It's that simple.

I have fun with friends, share my worries with friends, party, commiserate and have lived life with my friends, but we are not in some type of obligatory 'should' relationship whereby I have to update them on my life every few days.

I do chat with some friends every week, and some not for six months. We have muddled it out together what works for both of us.

It is her choice not to be in this friendship if she finds it not intensive enough for her needs. I wouldn't explain you are busy, a good friend would know that. Just decide if a friend 'coming down hard' is for you, it wouldn't be for me and my friends would not come down hard otherwise we would not have sustained friendships for nearly forty years.

Life ebbs and flows, that's what you have to give right now, it's on her to accept it or no.

Or ‘all good here, had a bit of an extended Xmas and looking forward to a few days away, catch up soon take care…’

Hardly the same thing. Life was so much easier when people didn't have the ability to organise your time. Everything is so intense now.

It is when the OP is saying she doesn’t have time to answer messages from her friend.

I speak as someone who is always the ‘you’ in this situation: YABU. Of course you have time. Of course she feels undervalued. Work on yourself.

Just tell her you can't do any better and let her decide if she wants to continue the friendship. I am very busy and like you CBA all this messaging OP, I have lost friends due to my style but my life is better not worse for it tbh.