Friend coming down hard on me for lack of communication

This is the problem with messaging g these days that people cant wait for a response.

Unless it’s anything urgent or important my friends and I take several days to respond to each other and no one is offended.

I honestly have no interest in idol meaningless ‘hi how are you’ type messaging - I couldn’t deal with anyone who was needy over message response times.

People's views will always differ vastly on this. Personally, I think your friend sounds clingy, intense and entitled. But there are always people in these threads who feel very differently.

I think it depends on the kind of friend.

I have one friend I speak to every single day, have done for over a decade. It's not banal stuff but neither is it a chore to discuss deeper topics. Yesterday we discussed work, kids, politics, books and the novels we're writing. Lots of humour throughout. I'm not glued to my phone at all.

Another friend I speak to a few times a week. Longer bursts of conversation, again nothing banal.

I've never been asked to give "life updates" like it's a Christmas round robin. I hate those sorts of exchanges.

I have an acquaintance who wants messaging every single day back and forth, and that is banal shit. I have zero interest in what she's making for lunch, if she's got new body wash, what the price of eggs is in Lidl, if she's getting a new couch, and she's waiting for Amazon to drop off a parcel. I don't reply to her often. I don't see her as a friend, and she absolutely throws hissy fits when I don't message her back in kind. I have to remain friendly for various reasons, but I don't enjoy it.

If this the kind of "friendship" you have with your friend, OP, then I get it. But if she's actually someone you care about, I can't imagine not wanting to chat to her. I love my friends dearly, I'm extremely busy with my job, kids, DH, pets, hobbies, but I always find time for them and it's never a chore. We have a lot in common and I thoroughly enjoy our exchanges.

Seems like people are missing that she's sending lengthy VOICE MESSAGES. So it takes 5 mins per message to listen to (unless you're speeding it up), and then she's expecting the same back.

Any normal friend you could just say 'hey, I'm on holiday at the moment, will text/call when I'm back', and not getting a telling off in return.

I'm with you OP, can't stand sending pointless messages

In my teens I learned that people can only give you what they have got to give and that goes for me too. If that doesn't meet expectations well that is a pity but doesn't mean that people have anything more or different to give. I also learned that this can vary according to life stages. OP if you haven't got what you friend needs now, then that is a shame but not your fault or hers.

I have these conversations with my two closest friends but they require far more time and a far greater emotional investment than a quick response.

I have two friends I have very long WA exchanges or phone calls with but they happen every couple of months.

I don't have the time for them a couple of times a week.

I mean, I probably do but it's equivalent to having enough money in the bank to buy something I really want but not being able to afford it at the same time.

In that, if I have an hour, I can only use that hour once. If I have other things to do but spend the time messaging a friend instead, the other things I need to do won't get done. And, yes, sometimes I am going to prioritise those things above having a chat.

If someone lives alone, works from home (so no commute), doesn't work or works part time, they are obviously going to have more available time than if they are out of the house for 12 hours a day and get home to a partner and children. And yes, sometimes people have to prioritise and yes, sometimes there will be higher priority things than chatting to a friend.

Thanks for the reply. You sound like a thoughtful friend. It doesn't sound like either of you are BU really, as you've said you're just in different situations with different needs at this point.

I don't know what exactly she said to you, but I guess I feel, if she just expressed loneliness but you then converted it into a perceived obligation on you and then resented her for it, that's on you a little bit? In the same way that, if she doesn't feel she has enough nourishing relationships in her life, that's ultimately on her to try and solve (though that can be easier said and done). Are you possibly being a bit perfectionist about trying to be the perfect friend/partner/parent/whatever to all the different people in your life, and would you resent her a bit less if you were putting less pressure on yourself to meet all her (and others') emotional needs? I think you might just have to accept that she may feel a bit lonely/neglected at times, as (I'm guessing) a single person living alone, and that won't always be something you can solve. My guess is you might actually be a better friend to her long term if you take some of that self-imposed pressure off yourself and feel able to stay friends as a result, rather than letting resentment build up and maybe letting the friendship go because of that.

Do you feel able to have an honest conversation with her about some of the stuff you've shared here, and how the friendship might evolve in a way that works for both of you? Do you want the friendship to continue?

She sounds rather exhausting. I think you'd be entirely justified in explaining that you care about her but don't often have the time for lengthy messaging conversations.

Everyone has different expectations about contact within a friendship so there’s no right or wrong, just what you’re comfortable with which can change over time.

Personally, I’m a relatively low frequency contact friend (I prefer doing something together in person than texting/phoning) and I’d find the frequency of contact with your friend too intense. There’s no one I text daily. I’ve muted a few different WhatsApp group chats I’ve been added onto because they’re too much of a chore.

The OP sounds like she’s becoming resentful of her friend’s neediness and I don’t think she should be made to feel guilty about that.

I once had a close friendship that I really tried to keep making work, but I got to the stage that I dreaded seeing her name appear on my phone. I realised that we were no longer compatible as friends.

What does your family and other close friends think of this relationship OP?

The sad thing is that people like this don't realise the more they try and squeeze someone and pull them closer, the more people rebel and move away.

They end up lonelier and squeezing the next one harder next time.

But that's not for a friend to fix. They can recognise the pattern and do something about it. Or expand their life so their eggs aren't all in one friend basket.

I have a hunch some of the people on this thread having a go at OP are like that, and have experienced that loss of friends before due to being overbearing, and it left a wound.

I don't think anyone should have to be in constant contact.

Most of my friends will message at least once a month to a few times a month. My best friend we message daily but it's not a problem if we have a break of a day or two.

Bit of a difference between a few days and going weeks or months without contact.

I support my friends always and they in turn. But we have a healthy relationship for us.

However, I would tell them life is a bit busy at the moment and I'll get back to them soon or if I'm having a phone break.

Communication is important but so is not being a slave to your phone!

Oh, but don’t be reasonable, those people commenting don’t have anything else to do if they’re not being mean to somebody online.

To add, I love the saying that some people, friends, are in our life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

Some come at a certain time and you really need and appreciate one another while that thing is going on. Maybe a work friend, or a hobby friend, or an acquaintance you randomly go deeper with cos you both realise you just had breakups. Then the reason comes to a close and you drift.

Season, the friends where your friendship lasts a significant time throughout different stages of life, but eventually drifts off because you've grown apart or into different priorities, which is okay.

Lifetime, well, we won't get to find out which friends meet that criteria until you're nearly at the end of your life! Very few will make it that far, and that's absolutely okay too.

I had a friend like that. I think she was a bit worse though in that if I hadn't responded to her message in the same day she would kick off that I was ignoring her. Eventually it got so tiresome that I had to drop her. She lived alone, had no job and had some disabilities whereas I had a busy full time job, partner and family commitments so I think she just had too much time on her hands.

It doesn't come across this way to me personally. OP sounds like they have other friends where it feels more natural and reasonable.

OP, this friendship is sadly over. You're mismatched and it worked when you were always giving and willing to put her first all the time. But now you have a busier life, she isn't willing to adapt and let the friendship evolve.

I hate to say it but the fact she feels emboldened to chastise you like you're a naughty child, that would honestly give me the ick.

Be honest: when she messages now, do you have a nice feeling, like oh it's lovely to hear from you? Or does your heart sink a bit with the weight of expectation, knowing that you will now be on a timer to reply with a certain level of depth, whether you want to or not?

It's imbalanced now and I would be surprised if you can get back the same kind of closeness in a way that works for both of you.

I've been here before and it's crap but unfortunately you can't be the solution to this person's loneliness, you can't be her sounding board for everything, therapist to help her unpack, and give her the kind of emotional depth she's clearly after (maybe it makes her feel useful?). And if you try and pull back to make it work for you it sounds like she won't accept that.

From your updates, she sounds needy and unreasonable. Send a short sorry, I’ve got life going on message and leave it at that. My best friend has BPD and doesn’t send messages like that!

I'm sure this isn't your intention, but this definitely comes across as "I'm far too important to deal with the lonely singleton."

I simply don't believe anyone who says they're "too busy" That's just bollocks. I don't believe that you haven't got 5 minutes in your waking window when you can't text a line or two to someone who is a friend. This isn't even every day, it's once or twice a week!
You're just prioritizing other things. You might as well own it. This friend isn't a high priority to you.

I’m talking about the OP’s situation though, not yours. She has posted several updates and a lot of details, including what she is able to give to this friendship. I have no idea about your friendships and your situation as it’s not the point of this thread.

I think the point you aren't quite seeing is that I AM willing to be that friend to her, just not every other day and at her beck and call. No one should be expecting any other person to be catering to their needs immediately. People are busy.

I am more than happy to talk to her about her life and her problems. She just chooses to go off at me when I haven't got the headspace to respond immediately. I respond when I can give her the attention she needs. And yes, sometimes I forget because I'm human and we all forget to do things we intend to do at times.

She is the one not willing to accept that I can be the friend she wants but not on her timescale.

But that’s the point…your friend wants a type of friendship that you are not able or not willing to give her and that’s a different conversation to have compared to I’m too busy to respond to you. You are talking about different needs here and not your level of busy. Of course you should prioritise your husband, your child, your job…that wasn’t the point I was making. It’s not about how busy you are, it’s about the type of friendship you can offer.

As someone that’s been on the other end - always replying (usually quite quickly) to then essentially not hear a response for weeks. I found it a difficult one to adjust too (heyy perhaps I’m needy lol)

Friend would message ‘how are you, hope everything’s going well, have you been up to much’. I would then reply usually with 30 mins giving an update on my life, checking in with hers etc to have no response. Then weeks later I’d get the same ‘hey how are you, anything new’ message again.

This went on for about a year before I decided to just stop responding. She wasn’t giving me anything back about herself/Life after I shared stuff about myself life.

Took me a while to get the message that she just wasn’t interested in the friendship anymore and was just checking in for ‘old times sake’.

Personally, I would be honest with her - yeah you have a lot going on (I am sure my friend does too) but also, it takes a few seconds to send a message. It sounds like she just isn’t a priority to you deep down - nothing wrong with that.

My friend that does this to me isn't satisfied with a few lines while I'm on the loo. She wants in depth, meaningful conversations and usually to ask me how to handle hard situations she's making harder than they need to be.

How you are describing it is how all my other friends and I handle keeping in touch.

And as for "choosing my own busy". Should I prioritise my friends needs over my child's? Ory husbands? Or my job? Or my family? Or, hell, my own need?

People have a right to be busy sometimes. I have my own life and my own things, I can't handle hers for her because that's what she needs from me.

I'm sorry but updating someone on my life every 3 or 4 days just wouldn't happen. If my friend wanted that I would simply say so. Not sure why you apologised - you are not responsible for her feelings. You have different needs and that's ok. Not sure why both of you think her needs trump yours.