Friend coming down hard on me for lack of communication

Maybe in your life.
A LOT of other people have very good low-maintenance friendships because that is what they and their friends prefer. They meet up with each friend a few times a year, spend several hours talking and catching up 1-2-1, and having a good time, then don't contact each other again except to arrange the next meet-up, and it works for them. Don't be so narrow minded. Your way is not the only way.

OP, I think you are being a bit mean to your friend. You don't sound like you like doing this stuff with her and I'd drop back to what you do enjoy. So if that's a phone call every couple of weeks, do that.

I've found if you scale back to what feels ok to you and then build up if you have more capacity then it works better (done this with family).

If you now send a flurry of VN, but deep down you aren't fine with her (and you don't speak about her with much affection tbh) then it's just putting off the inevitable.

I'd honestly think- do I want this friendship to continue (I'm guessing yes but unsure) and what can I give and then do that.

Resenting someone, blaming someone, pressure to be something that doesn't feel natural- these won't benefit you and they won't benefit her in the long run.

I'd be very calm, know yourself and then do that. She will either be able to cope or not. Faking it a little longer isn't a strategy IMO (it's one that fixes the now, but not the underlying problem).

I think that you need to make it clear to your friend that you have a very busy life and, as a result, don't often have sufficient time to respond / connect with them more often / more fully, despite your best intentions. Being open and honest with someone is often the best way to manage their expectations.

Does she like Voice notes? Assuming she does.

I used to like them but one friend over used them and I’d get a string of VNs like that and feel overwhelmed listening to 15-30 minutes worth of voice notes

I’d rather just have a 20 minute phone chat where we both get to speak. I feel VNs can turn into one or two people just monologuing and talking at each other rather than having a proper conversation.

This sounds a bit like my text situation I described upthread! The main difference is though that on the rare occasions where said friend and I do manage to talk on the phone, she does actually go beyond small talk.

It’s weird because it really feels like old times when we do talk but once that call has ended - I won’t hear from her for 6 months + and there’s just never any discussion of meeting up in person.

Slowly beginning to accept while she’s happy to chat if I pin her down for a call - she’s not sufficiently interested to be the one who sets up the call . So I will leave her be with no hard feelings as I’m not into forcing contact.

I don’t blame you for not responding in the end - it can be exhausting when it’s clear the friendship is very one-sided and they’re not that interested.

@Uhohhouse I don’t see why you can’t sit her down and have a chat about how you feel? It’s not sustainable if she’s frequently feeling ignored and you’re feeling overwhelmed. You will both end up feeling resentful.

If you used to text daily I can see how she still expects it, but you need to outline to her life’s changed and you don’t have capacity for that anymore and perhaps suggest an alternative - a weekly phone catch up for example.

This is not a friendship.
Your friend says jump and you say how high and try to achieve her request.
Friendships are easy and not measured in the length of VMs.
The friendship is in its autumn days, let it go. What are you holding on to.it for?

This can turn into bad sleep hygiene. If OP is feeling overwhelmed with the social expectations of life - she is within her right to let her friends know she just not really a phone person - maybe her love language is to be completely present with the people she is spending time face to face with. We're all juggling lots of balls - in my opinion health is a glass ball and friendships should be a rubber ball if your friends truly care about you. Even if I don't hear from a friend for years - I still love and remember them - true connection doesn't require constant electronic communication. I don't know why not being a massive phone communication person is viewed as this borderline abusive thing. People need to be less codependent - you're not going to die if your friend doesn't text you, just be understanding of them and they get back to you when they have the mental bandwidth. Back before the advent of the phone friendships were sustained on probably a few letters a year. A better priority than texting all the time would be to be there for people we see day to day or week to week, in my opinion.

Most long distance relationships don't work for the reason that it's hard to keep up the comms. I think people think if they text enough it will make up for lack of community. Probably ops friend would gain more from moving into an intentional community. I plan to move into one of the ones on the diggers and dreamers web directory as I've found moving away from my long term friends hard and texting can feel like a lot of work with not much sense of connection.

@Uhohhouse are you going to be able to keep that up every 3 days though. All you're doing is setting a precedent that this friend is now going to expect several VNs. Do you really want to be that beholden to her? I couldn't be arsed with that degree of obligation and pressure.

Yeah but a partner is a different kind of relationship than a friend especially if the partner is long term. Most people prioritize partners and there's nothing wrong with that.

If you value a friendship you need to work at it...type a sentence or two at night when you are in bed even......costs nothing but might mean the world to your friend

@TightlyLacedCorset Most of the problems on Mumsnet wouldn't even exist if people listened to Mel Robbins' sensible books and podcasts. She's fantastic at helping you see what's going on and how to navigate friendships, over-interfering in your kids lives and so on. I'm so glad I discovered 'Let Them' theory for starters, but as I say, if everyone listened/read 'Let Them' there would be very little on Mumsnet left as it's 90% problems which could be solved by her pragmatic ways!

@Spiralyf - it does look as if you are lashing out disproportionately at posters on here who disagree with you.

One of DHs "friends" cut him off because he had to walk the dog before going over to see him. This man practically lived in our home for a while when going through a divorce but decided that DH having responsibilities outside of him meant that he was never there for him. The same guy would vanish into relationships and barely speak to him for weeks then pop back up when they were over, when he needed something or when he wanted to vent.

Honestly, DH has said his life is better now he's out of it, he hadn't realised how hard work this guy was. Loved him like a brother but clearly was one sided, his friend only wanted to take.

I'm clearly being tracked (which I hate) because I had this really excellent short clip spontaneously turn up in my Insta feed from Mel Robbins.

Well worth a listen regarding how friendships evolve from your twenties and why expectations can differ.

www.instagram.com/reel/DT4JNsQE21M

I had a friend like this who would call me every single day, sometimes more than once. Would also regularly put in dates to meet up. It felt very demanding. Most of the time was fine, we'd been friends since school, But I also had young children, family, other friends so I was busy too. After organising a hen party evening for her, having her and some of her friends stay at mine.. for which she was grateful but when she wanted to see me two weeks later and I said I had plans she got arsey and said "oh well you know your priorities" I felt that it was time to draw some boundaries. Which she continued to cross a few more times. Since cut her off , no regrets.

i hate texting. People expect instant replies. I leave people on read for up to a week. I don't care. My time is my time.

Texting is a stupid way to communicate in my opinion. A load of short sentences. I prefer to talk face to face.

The world was easier before phones

It's not natural or healthy to be contactable electronically by literally hundreds of people at any time. Nothing feels more freeing to me than not having my phone on me - we all have a finite time on planet earth to spend as we please - if you want to give yourself RSI texting everyone that texts you back there's nothing wrong with that, but there is also nothing wrong with me not. It disrupts my attention span and takes me away from the flow of life. There is also the issue of my LO trying to grab my phone all the time and I'm not a fan of the EMF radiation aspect either. I envy the pre-boomer generations where all you had to do to be uncontactable electronically was leave the house. All the friend admin doesn't fill my tank at all, I have to say.

Good lord, the JUDGEMENT. What if all the intensely needy people message each other back and forth all day long, and leave the people who prefer a little headspace and privacy alone to use their time how they want? 😄

My sister was like this for a long while. She unfortunately lost 2 husbands to severe illness over the years, bringing up two young children on her own. It was because she was grieving at first but afterwards she felt lonely and needed to connect with people close to her. She has friends and other family members to contact but tends to confide in me, rely on me more for support than others. I felt overwhelmed as you do at times and had to explain to her I was not always checking my phone but would always reply at some point and arranged some video calls when I was not too busy. I disabled the read ticks features on WhatsApp too. The video calls were more useful to her for the connection. I hear less from her now she has a much busier life herself and a new man on the horizon. You cannot be available on tap to everyone, you need to care for your own mental health. Your friend needs to understand she

I think you have to take a step back and try and remember the amount of times you have been on social media, on here, watched TV etc. Could you have sent her a message then?

There isn't always time for a full conversation depending on the time of day.
But sometimes I get a photo from a friend with a few lines and it makes me laugh and know they are thinking of me.

I've another friend that whenever I'm away for a weekend etc I'll send her a silly postcard.

Yr fiend may have been feeling a little low for whatever reason, but just imagine a call out the blue from you 'Hi I was just thinking of you and thought I'd call' or a message asking how she's been.

Most importantly,

Don't always leave it up to her to reach out.

Friendship is very important, people are important and if she's a friend that you know you could message if you were ever low, then she's a keeper.

I feel for you OP. I had a similar work friendship which was very overbearing and it would be a constant mental load addition to reply as she would send multiple messages chasing me for a response if it had been over 24 hours. Its so draining.

Admittedly, I am TERRIBLE at replying to messages, I work full time so if someone messages me during those hours by the time ive driven home, made dinner for family, cleared up, sorted stuff out, 9pm comes and im drained, even for a small mundane text (usually because ive forgotten aswell).
Luckily for me I my friendship group is pretty much the same, and we understand that life is busy and hectic. Once our calmer moments align we will have a good catch up but there is never animosity towards eachother for lack of contact. And if any of us needed eachother we all would be there in a flash.

In your case I would probably have to speak to your friend and just explain that your not able to keep up the current level of communication but that you still value the friendship. If she is a decent friend then she should understand that.

I hope you can get it sorted without losing the friendship.

Here's a thing about text.

You can't read a tone. So when you type the words "I find it bizarre", people read that you can't comprehend it, you find it utterly weird that people aren't the same as you.

So when a friend gets narky that you can't "take a few seconds" as people here keep saying conversations take, it's actually much more than this for those friends. Because you have to make sure you get the words right, in case they take it wrong.

Because people who constantly require messages absolutely will take it wrong if you word it incorrectly. So it takes longer than a few moments to compose the right wording of a message that will satisfy them and let you get on with your day.

if I posted a thread about him I'd be told to block anyway

I guess that's the inconsistency of mumsnet though. Everyone is about elevating women until they can shit on one to make their lives seem "better" something I've always noticed. In certain situations its block! LTB!! And on others where the person hasn't given all the details including what they had for breakfast it's oh well I can see why snobbery.
Same old story. And yes mumsnet needs a block button urgently. People forget that everyone is human and we are all going through stuff but a lot of people use this to project and make their situation better by jumping on others. I know someone who committed suicide based on people jumping on them for something they said no different from this. But people don't care they're all about making themselves feel good.
I believe that case is still being investigated and the people who piled on could face charges it wasn't mumsnet though but I fully agree with keyboard warriors being held to account.
More should pursue it.