School say they're monitoring lateness now and I feel sick about it

@Jumimo Different things are difficult for different people. For example, some people find empathy and appropriate social interaction difficult apparently.

We were always late for school and it was very stressful for us as children. We were blamed but really at that age it was out Mothers job to get us to school on time. She has ADHD but obviously undiagnosed back then. It's interesting that you say you don't want to wait around. Every single person who is on time is often early and waits around. It's part of being on time. Everyone I know with ADHD would never ever consider arriving somewhere early. They aim for dead on the dot (or later) every time. Only a few minutes is still late. School has started already.

It's like expecting a cat to bark

No. Don’t do that. Don’t lower and compare our behaviours to that of animals. We are human.

If you are continuously late, it’s ultimately down to your organisational skills. It’s as simple as that. Some will adapt and coordinate better than others but ultimately it is all within your control, whether you like to face that fact or not.
If you cannot be bothered to put the effort into breaking a habit because it feels tough, then just admit that. But don’t sit there passively and pretend like your brain is hard wired to make you 9 minutes late to any occasion.

An awful lot of ppl should be thoroughly ashamed of their conduct in this thread! OP was clearly on the edge & looking for reassurance, advice & kindness.

Rather than do that, a significant number CHOSE to push her off the edge then stand over her throwing rocks!

Just disgusting

Exactly. I've been trying to get him places on time for 19 years, and most noticeably since he started nursery aged 2.

I have done all the "get up earlier" and "leave earlier" advice, and it does not work.

With appointments I can fudge it purposefully telling him a time 30mins earlier than we need to leave, but that doesnt work when they know what time we are meant to be somewhere every day, like school or college.

You cant even use the clock change trick these days as the right time is on their tablets/phones.

He simply does not register time and its passage the same as others, and I know that's part of his asd/adhd.

My adhd goes the other way and makes me pinpoint focused on the time and im constantly calculating how long everything I do takes and how long I have to get somewhere.. to the point one off appointments can put me into a kind of hyperfocused paralysis where I can't do anything other than clock watch.

This is absolutely true!! I worked in attendance too.

🙄

Yeah, I think in many cases it's just the way your brain works. And if you don't get it you don't get it and you'll never understand why 'just leave earlier' is a pointless thing to say. It's like expecting a cat to bark just because you've explained it nicely. Or condescendingly; neither way will have much impact.

It’s a real pain when children arrive in class in dribs and drabs. In my experience, they were always the same ones!

It’s not easy, but there have been good suggestions here. We had to be out of the house by 7.30am at the latest when I returned to work after each maternity leave years ago when we only had a maximum of 6 months off. I had 3 in 3.5 years but we soon developed a routine for mornings. Doesn’t have to be perfect but punctuality is really important.

Ftr, ds is now 19, still autistic/adhd and still a nightmare to get anywhere on time.

Weirdly I always get myself places on time/early, I cant stand being late for anything, Sooo I know it cant possibly be me thats the problem 😆

I decided its hereditary, his Dad (my exh) is chronically late for everything

Gosh people are being so dramatic. It’s a few minutes. Even if it happens regularly it seriously doesn’t matter in the great scheme of things.

Maybe he could get the OP a second alarm clock and set it a bit earlier.

Would it be possible to get a grandparent/friend to help out just for a while? Or could your partner shift their hours just for a bit?

And how would he step up other than sticking him in breakfast club, given that he starts work before the DC starts school?

There is a perfectly capable adult at home who can set an alarm a little earlier.

Surely there's a window of arrival time? Aim for the start of that.

I'm a parent of 3 so I get it. It is hard. But I'm also a teacher and I picked up on OP saying "I think Ive let myself believe being a few minutes late doesnt really matter and clearly to them it does." 'to them' being to the school. It's not that it matters to the school, it matters to your child. It is hard being the kid who is often a few minutes late. They miss the socialising and settling time. They miss the first lovely warm greeting where we all come together and start our day. The very first thing that happens to them in that school day is that they are late, they interrupt the class, they shuffle around on their own, trying to quietly put their bag away. They miss thenews and instructions. They try and quietly find a place to sit and everyone else is already sitting with friends. It's a shit way to start, especially if you're little. I'm not a monster and I understand that it's not the poor child's fault their parent got them there late, so I make a point of warmly greeting my latecomers too, but not every teacher does. Getting your child to school on time sets them up for success.

I always used to be late for things. Then one day I was late for something important with catastrophic consequences. Since then I have always been very anxious about not being on time, so consequently am often so early that I am the first to arrive. Unfortunately this then makes me anxious that I have got the venue wrong! Hopefully you will find a middle ground OP.

I didn’t. I think you might have missed my point. Some well-organised adults have children who struggle with the morning routine. Some children have parents who struggle with the morning routine. I do. I’m time blind. My husband is a pro and it’s military precision when he’s in charge. With me…I’m just always chasing my tail. Believe me. I’ve tried all of the things…some people are just different

OP you aren’t a neglectful mum as some of the PP are implying with their ‘helpfulness’ dressed up as support. For one thing you wouldn’t be getting yourself on edge about it AS YOU CARE DEEPLY and are trying your best!

I do agree with the strategies some have given you about clocks being set 10min fast / wrap up baby and jumper over pjs for toddler etc. The only one that needs to be ‘public ready’ is your LO focus on that. Definitely specifically tell the school that you are wrangling 3 out the door so they see the bigger picture as well. Nobody can shoot you down in flames for being open & honest with them.

Motherhood is a total rollercoaster and I’m always in awe of mums who have more than 1 LO to wrangle. ✨

Both of mine couldn’t care less that they were late.

I tried getting up earlier. We were the latest we had ever been.

The earlier get ups just left more time to mess around

DS would run out the door and go and roll around in the flowerbed in the front garden

Only person who was distressed at dc being late was me.

It's hard.
When my eldest started full time, I had him and my 3 year old walking either side of the most hideous double buggy (which had my toddler and newborn in). My newborn absolutely hated the pram and screamed the entire way there and back. Many times I picked her up and carried her whilst somehow using my other hand to push my heavy toddler who was still in the front seat. It seemed to last forever. But it was over and much easier within 6 months.
My advice would be, pick your battles! Take short cuts where you can. The one in school was my priority, as in, getting him looking half decent - clean uniform, clean teeth, looking smart etc. Most mornings, I hadn't brushed my hair and I was wearing a milk stained tshirt under my coat. My 3 year old still had her pyjamas on under her coat. My toddler always used to take his shoes off and throw them, so I stopped putting him in shoes altogether and just covered him with a blanket - he, too, was in his pyjamas under his coat. It's just a case of survival - you aren't going to please them all, all of the time, so just do what you can to get your eldest to school. When you're back home, everyone else can be fed, dressed, and whatever else they need!
Keep going, you are doing fab. And try not to worry!

Don't stress too much about it, not the end of the world. It's a difficult phase, you're doing your best.

Are you a hysterical mental case? I mean, I'm just asking in the same spirit you did pretending to ask a question while slinging an insult 😂

However I do actually think you could indeed be a hysterical mental case and I base that on your massive and immediate projection and straight to infantile insults while being unable to actually discuss anything rationally like an adult.

No point in talking to hysterical mental cases so I won't. Ciao! 😘

"It's a fact that it's always the same people who are late, always the same who are casual about time while everyone else make efforts to be on time - everyone is struggling, everyone has kids to take to school, that's the point"

This is all fantastic in theory, but in the real world children just don't work this way. Please see: "We're leaving now, you ready to go out the door" child: "I really need a poo" and we all know how long those can take small children to do. In that situation there's nothing for it than to drop everything and get them to the toilet. In the meantime the other kids are starting to fuss and take off shoes etc get the shoes back on, baby fills nappy. This is going to be harder for some parents than others. As a lone parent it's going to be harder for me to get places on time than for a parent with a partner to hand. It's harder still when you've multiple kids. Harder again when you're adding in SEN or parental vulnerability.

I don't see a parent who doesn't care or who is remotely "casual" about this. I see a mum who is trying her best who's extremely stressed about this and feels overwhelmed and outnumbered in the morning. You can feel what you want about lateness, it's a massive pet peeve for many people. But let's not pretend op doesn't care. If she didn't she wouldn't be on here asking for help and advice.

I think sometimes people can be very dismissive about people who are late and it's much easier to assume its purely because they're selfish or lazy or whatever. But that's not the reality for a lot of people. I absolutely HATE being late and find it extremely stressful. Still happens sometimes because I have adhd and find certain things harder than others might because of how that affects me. I have strategies I use but they don't work 100% of the time. And when you add kids to the mix it gets unpredictable.

are you quite well?

I don't know what tv show you are currently watching that inspires your rant, but it's sounds very entertaining

In case you were being serious, You've done nothing wrong and being late doesn't matter. is exactly the point people are making about parents who are late. That's the general attitude.