Expecting DH to do the majority of the housework?

I thought they both work a 4 day week. Both have Sunday off. OP has Saturday off when the kids are in the house, but her DH thinks she just puts them in front of the TV and mulches all day. And a midweek day when she should get to do as she pleases but tends to tidy up and do planning work for her job.

DH gets two days off midweek, one of which he’s supposed to be able to do as he pleases and one of which he is supposed to do housework but OP thinks he barely touches it and just mulches.

I’m not saying it’s equal, just that it’s not quite how you’ve described.

There are literally teachers on here saying they dont do it. I know a bloody amazing teacher who goes in 30mins earlier a day mon- thurs and thats it, so 4 extra hours a weem. He feels he is a better, more engaged and passionate teacher when hes not exhausted. Just because you dont know any, doesnt mean they arent decent teachers. Everyone has different skills msybe theirs are efficiency & time managent - who knoss!

I think many posters are missing the fact that OP's days off are not the same as DH's days off. DH gets a couple of days off when the kids are at school. OP's days off are over the weekends, so it's not the same type of day off because she's busy with the kids because DH is working. So she doesn't get as much time to herself as DH does. So I agree that DH should do more of the housework.

I don't know any teacher who doesn't do hours of unpaid work, and I've been a teacher for 30 years. It's impossible to do the job even vaguely properly without doing hours of unpaid work, partly because of the absurd amount of admin that teachers now need to do.

There’s no right answer as the balance for every couple is different. Dh and I both work ft but found a way to split responsibilities so one of us is accountable for certain things, eg. Making sure clothes are clean for school on Monday morning… that doesn’t mean the other one doesn’t shove a load on.
in our house:
dh
Cooks when I’m working late and dc need to eat before clubs
All admin for dd2’s clubs - cadets/DofE
Any forms that need completing (I hate filling it forms)
taking dc to dentist/optician (more flex in his role)
Most packed lunches
insurance renewals
clothes washing

me
ensuring we have food
House admin and payments
budgeting
all dd3 club admin dance x4
recently I was leading driving lessons/booking test/helping ucas form (dh was stressing dd1 out so I took over)
coordination of child logistics planning and dog sitting
cleaning above what weekly cleaner does (weekly cleaner was a non negotiable when I upped my hours).

dh and I find this balance generally works but when one of us is drowning (or when I was studying for my masters dh definitely picked up more) we have each other’s back.

If you can afford it, get a cleaner once a week or fortnight to relieve the pressure on both of you.

Can you work out exactly how many hours on average you work a week including everything you have to do at home, then write it all down and show him, if he sees in black and white how many more hours you work it might help x

Great points. One thing though OP-I am unsure whether you have trained for a teaching degree to get this (I know there's a difference between being a teacher and an assistant who does some teaching, as I've got friends who do this-of course both roles are amazing but one costs a lot more in time and money to get) so would you really want to give this up, if you did however many years at uni? I know you could maybe go back in a few years, but it might be harder/put some employers off if you've left teaching to do something else. Your choice, but surely this is one of the main things to focus on before deciding?

This is the way forward. Growing up, Saturday morning were cleaning time, everyone in the house sorted their allocated spaces, then time for a food shop and by noon everything was sorted.

There was also a massive clean as you go push, you used a dish? Wash it up/put it in the dishwasher.

Daily tasks such as sorting the dishwasher out were done on a first come first served basis, if you opened it and the dishes were clean you’d put them all away, not leave it for someone else etc. Yes some did more and some did less but it usually worked out pretty well in terms of a split as people that were home more would do more of the daily chores.

typing all that out really reminded me of how amazing my mum was as while it may seem strict, none of us felt that way and resentment didn’t build up.

It sounds a bit like you both feel unappreciated and are in competition with each other about who has it harder.
A lot of your posts mention what you do for the household but very little about what dh does, Is this because he doesn't do anything day to day. If you're at work 7/730- 530/6 who does the school drop offs and pick ups? What do dh's days 'look' like on the four days where you are out of the house 11 hours a day. What hours does dh work on his work days.
It sounds like the current situation isn't working for either of you. On the work front, I'd personally be looking for a different job because working 40-50 hours a week when you're getting paid for 24 ( I think) is crazy.

@BraOffPjsOn sending sympathy. It really sounds as if you are not being unreasonable. Your H has 2 child free days off in the week plus another day off for family time, so it’s completely unreasonable of him to expect to have both those days free to spend- doing what? Is he skipping around smelling the roses, is he a cyclist!?

What exactly is his reasoning behind his accusations here- why does he think he should have so much more free time than you?

Are you a teacher?

my experience of teaching (19 years this year) is that you cannot do the work required in the time you are paid to do it in. I’m in FE now and we are all paid by the hour, but with only contact hours paid- no time for planning, prep, assessment or paperwork. That all has to be done in detail for each learner but it’s done outside or on top of the hours we are paid for. And it isn’t work you can just choose to do or not do. In previous jobs I didn’t take any work home, but in order to offer interesting, quality lessons I sometimes had to stay at school until 7pm and gone on Fridays when my dd was at her father’s.
As a full time new teacher I regularly did 14 hour days and had marking to do at weekends. I can assure you, it is both normal and necessary (although not right!) for teachers to work outside of their paid/contracted hours.

Fair enough and that’s a compromise you’re having to make then with your time. Just look after yourself and give yourself a break.

I’m a teacher and love my job but I try and work smarter not harder (easier said than done!) I don’t stay as late as you or rarely do as I’d rather do work once children in bed. I work through most of my lunch because I want more time at the end of the working day in my own house.

Yes the children deserve dedicated teachers but that doesn’t mean doing crazy hours. If you’re paid 4 days you need to look at not using the 5 th day as a work day or at least only some of it.

Decent teachers do care and usually spend a day or at least an afternoon a week working on planning in top of their PPA.

No they don't. When you work FT with a family, where do you get a spare day or even half day from?

Yes teachers work hard, I work 730-430 (or longer) most days. But like fuck would I do any work for half my weekend. Are you mad?

I think you are getting a rough ride OP. Decent teachers do care and usually spend a day or at least an afternoon a week working on planning in top of their PPA.

Your OH isn’t pulling their weight. Doesn’t matter what job they have. You are effectively working five days a week (as you’re planning, marking etc) and he is working 4 days. His day off therefore should be spent cleaning, doing whatever needs to be done. In the holidays, you’re more free to do it.

People forget that marriages are about being a team and helping each other, not having to divide everything so rigidly.

YANBU

We'll agree to disagree but the OP should not be working 4 days and paid for 5. Just stop doing it. There's always corners to be cut and things to prioritise. That's the nature of teaching. No way would I expect staff to be earning 80% wage for 5 days work, SEN or not. This is part of the problem with the system. Meeting the EHCP needs isn't just the OPs problem to solve. Push back if the workload is too high.

But sen schools are significantly better staffed so there will be a lot more adults in the classroom helping

OP is a SEN teacher. So she’s not just delivering the same curriculum for all children in the class with the same method just a few adaptations for mainstream SEN kids. Her whole class will be SEN all with different needs and different supports. Massively long EHCP documentation attached to each one and the additional paperwork that goes with that. The kids will likely have periods of dysregulation that she’s constantly managing and trying to avoid. Depending on the disabilities there may be personal care, resistance to engage, violence and challenging behaviour beyond what you get in mainstream school.

my sons EHCP says the curriculum has to be structured and delivered around his interests. He soils himself and has violent and challenging behaviour. Imagine teaching a class full of children with such requirements?

it’s not fair to say she should streamline how she works because SEN teachers can’t really work that way.

Schools are open for 6 hours a day she works 4 day what extra she chooses to do to avoid family life is on her. There are teachers on this thread asking why she is doing this many hours outside her paid hours its not normal or necessary

Could you suggest a robot vacuum and mop? This would take half his job list off him and maybe save you some arguments.

get the kids doing chores. Tidying up so the floors are clear for the robot. Helping you hang the washing to dry then fold and put their own stuff away. Strip their own beds and replace the bottom sheet you just do the duvet (my son wets the bed and has been doing this from age 6 independently I just do the duvet for him). Support them to choose a meal and list the ingredients needed for the shop and then cook with them- leading to them taking in a meal each every week when they are old enough.

consider paying a weekly cleaner to do the bathroom and kitchen.

but yeah absolutely write out a list of everything you do with how long it takes you to do and give it to him and ask him to look at it and do the same for his chore breakdown if he still feels you don’t do enough . Do it as part of a conversation where you have suggestions so he doesn’t get defensive and reaction leads to an argument.

if following this he still acts like he’s over burdened and you are ungrateful consider leaving him and make sure he has the kids 50/50. My partner wasn’t passive aggressive about it but genuinely believed he was doing 50% of the housework and got all stroppy when I got sick and had a few weeks where I couldn’t do much. I ended up leaving him. We are back together but not living together and he has our child 50% of overnights. I have sooo much free time!! And I know he only half wants to be with me because he’s had a sharp awakening of how much I was actually doing and now he has to do his own fucking housework. Some men are literally delusional about how much they really do. Or they feel because they do some and they know men who do nothing that is women should be grateful. Nope. You don’t have to put up with that shit. And importantly your kids need to see a man pulling his weight happily and an equal home or boys grow up to treat women that way and girls grow up to accept poor treatment.