Old letters

And yes, if my marriage ended I absolutely WOULD want my letters destroyed, the thought of a future partner seeing them is awful. I don’t think my attitude is unusual.

I do think your attitude is unusual, not least the expectation that a future partner would want to read those letters. I think the majority of people - past their teenage years, anyway - simply aren't that insecure.

Or the handful of people who have responded on this thread so far might not be representative?

well, I guess the fact that there are 'a lot' of responses indicating they would save such letters and wouldn't mind their partner doing so suggest those responses aren't 'weird' - people are different?

I think there are a lot of weird responses on this thread. These are love letters from an ex, that’s entirely different from kids’ drawing or your old school reports. Being sentimental about past relationships is not a good thing - remembering the good times is fine but hanging onto expressions of love from someone else? Big nope. And yes, if my marriage ended I absolutely WOULD want my letters destroyed, the thought of a future partner seeing them is awful. I don’t think my attitude is unusual.

Would you want him to destroy every memory of you should this relationship not work out? To erase you, remove every trace you existed in his life?

I cannot understand why it would worry you that he has a past an also likes to think about that past. I like to look back, it doesn't mean I want to be back there or relive any of it. It is part of the path that made me who I am today. Both Dh and I get that about each other. We also have talked about our past relationships and shock horror have both met the exes.

I think if you mention it he might feel compelled to get rid and then might regret it. It is his private stuff, he doesn't have to share everything with you or go scorched earth on anything that happened before you.

I guess that was kind of my feeling, of course people have a past but when you are setting up a home in the present why keep the remnants of an old relationship in that space?

By the same token, in the present he's setting up a home with you. Why do you feel so threatened by something that happened to him decades ago? I'm genuinely nonplussed at trying to understand why this has anything to do with you. You don't seem to think that he's pining for his ex as his One True Love™ or anything that would affect your relationship with him today.

Is it that you think he shouldn't be allowed a touch of sentimentality? Do you want him to be entirely emotionless about every other woman he's ever been with apart from you? Heaven forfend that you ever split up but if you did, would you be happy if he discarded your memory as readily as you seem to want him to discard the memory of this ex?

this falls under ‘ not your business’ and he is allowed to keep whatever he wants to from his past. He’s even - shock horror - allowed to know they’re there and actively want to keep them.

unless he’s mooning over her and wanting to relive their relationship again, what he chooses to do with old keepsakes isn’t your concern and just highlights insecurity

I've got a box of XDH's letters. I dare say DH has got some similar .

I've got boxes and boxes of old letters and cards from school, ex-boyfriends - I wouldn't part with them, they're nostalgic.

People have pasts. That's one of the things when you are older and dating, you have to accept. I have a few photos with ex in it to cut him off would spoil them, and I cannot erase a marriage to see him on the odd times he was a dad is good. If I destroyed them, that would be being nasty to my kids. think somewhere is my partner's wedding album with his ex; 1970s wedding we have sat and had a good laugh at the fashions in suits and his Kevin Keegan perm!

I have old love letters from my first boyfriend, and letters written in class passed between me and my friends. They're momentos of a life lived. Just like I've kept DCs first drawings, and birthday cards from people who won't be around forever.

That might be true if he were constantly reading them and weeping softly, but if they're just in a box somewhere, how is he bringing the relationship into the present?
I think it's silly to be bothered about them, especially if he's someone who keeps everything.

If you ask, he really has no choice but to throw them away. She’s allowed to feel uncomfortable- but she shouldn’t automatically expect him to fix that for her.

I have a box of old letters and cards from old friends and exes, if my DH said I had to get rid of them I'd find it weirdly possessive and insecure. Those old letters take me back to an old version of myself in my teens and early twenties, and it's nice to be able to revisit happy moments and feelings from those times. You have your partner now in the present, why do you feel a need to monopolise his past?

I keep all this sort of stuff because it’s my life and memories. I’ve chucked stuff away in the past and regretted it.

If he’s a bit of a hoarder, it sounds like it may not have any special meaning other than him just liking to hold onto things.

I disagree with others on this thread. Why would you want to hang onto keepsakes from a previous partner? Of course people can have a past. But by keeping these letters he’s bringing that relationship into the present and giving it an importance. And it bothers OP, she’s allowed to feel uncomfortable. I don’t think bottling it up and pretending not to be bothered is a good plan. Why not tell him you saw them and that it bothered you?

I think it's normal to keep stuff. But then I am a bugger for the kids' old school work, notes, letters, and so on - as well as some of my own. I think we all have to accept that people are different on this, and some find it very hard to discard things that once meant a lot.

I can't see why it'd be a problem to ask 👍 He is your dp and if he's a good egg, kind, understanding, respectful, etc. he shouldn't have any qualms about being honest with you about them.
If he wants to keep them I'd want to understand why. But he may not even know he has them!

Unlike PP, I would ask about it. I can't see why it'd be a problem.

I have some cards from my ex still. I haven’t advertised it to DP, but if he found them in the attic I’d be a bit like 🤷🏻‍♀️

It’s just the past. He’s got an ex wife he had a child with, I’m sure I’m allowed a few old cards.