Eccentric SIL

Your SIL sounds like a wonderful and dedicated mother. Good luck to her, her decisions seem to be fruitful if your DN is as polite and wonderful and on track academically as you describe.

You’re being judgemental. Look in the mirror, accept it and move on.

Hmm well my dc were vegetarian not vegan, but some of the rest applied to me. I don’t really know what ‘elimination communication’ is, watching your baby closely ? I didn’t send mine to playgroup or nursery, I was with them at home. They did have some tv but not loads. I did send them to school though, not home-Ed.
Sleepovers never came up at that age, I think dd1 was about 9 before she stayed at a friend’s house. And dd2 was quite a bit older than that. I never had a babysitter, I would have used one when they were older, eg 8/9 but it didn’t happen for various reasons.
If your niece is happy and healthy then there doesn’t seem to be a problem at all ? I think a vegan diet can be tricky to balance with very small children but presumably your Sil is careful and sensible.

The only thing I think is particularly weird is her saying “she didn’t know enough about the zoo to know if she would want her to go there.” I’m not sure what she means specifically - safety, location, welfare of the animals?

To be fair, it's not that weird - she's vegan and probably doesn't support zoos on principle.

I brought my kids up sort of similar to this.

no homeschooling - they did go to school - but our whole family were and are vegan and we didn’t do sleepovers until brownie or cub camp (which is a totally different and much safer experience).

my kids are fine. One has a music degree and now teaches his instrument and gigs and similar the other has just finished a physics degree from Newcastle.

i have two degrees one from Cambridge and worked part time to spend time with my kids and enjoy the years while they were young.

still not seeing the issue.

oh - and I am reliably informed by my young adult dd that no-one goes to zoos anymore because of animal cruelty. I haven’t been to one in decades to be fair or suggested it so wasn’t aware the vibe had shifted but there you go.

Clearly they value parenting and emotional stability more than money and maybe more than you?

Or maybe her high qualifications and high intelligence have afforded her the cash to do so and given her the research skills to do the best parenting job possible for her DC across diet, excercise, screen time, attachment, home environment, family values and lifestyle choices.

Seems she is well informed and confident in the choices she is making for her family and can financially comfortably afford to do so. Are you jealous or embarrassed that you didn’t set yourself up similarly?

Huge homeschooling community where I live - we were part of it for nearly a year - and all the kids have been very successful. One read classics at Oxford, one was an Actor so travelled and /studied around his film schedule, once was a junior tennis pro. Very mixed group from the forest school/hippy/vegan types to the tiger parented driven families. They all rubbed along okay with little judgment and censure. They had teams in the national robotics comps (came 2nd one year) and used to meet for picnics, go ape and even ice skating twice a week (mine progressed in this and ended up having coaching for several years, with my DS playing ice hockey for a local team).

So, if you have real concerns, I hope you’ll park them and let SIL parent and raise DN according to her choices.

What’s wrong with that? They’re parenting in a way they feel comfortable with and they believe is best for their daughter. Sleepovers are not essential for social development. I wouldn’t expect many 3 year olds to have had sleepovers by that age. Maybe your family are the eccentric ones wanting to leave your kids to sleep at other people’s houses?

Doesn't sound that different to the way a lot of toddlers are brought up, OP.

The only thing I think is particularly weird is her saying “she didn’t know enough about the zoo to know if she would want her to go there.” I’m not sure what she means specifically - safety, location, welfare of the animals?

Most of the rest sounds like she is a doting mum who has found more joy in motherhood than her career. You said herself her daughter socialises a lot. Lots of people don’t allow sleepovers (although usually fine with family). It sounds like you both disagree with each other’s parenting styles and that’s fine. But I don’t find her particularly eccentric unless she is using the tarot cards to tell her daughter’s fortune and base her life on that or something

Not going to the zoo and being vegan isn’t extreme. Loads of people have never been to a zoo and people have lots of different diets. I’m not a fan of homeschooling. I’m aware that many people, make a success if it but everyone I know who has done it has been shockingly bad at it but this kid is a toddler and her mum might be one of the ones who does a good job. Either way it is very literally up to the parents to decide. Not going on sleepovers is entirely normal, especially at her age, as is not wanting your baby passed around like a toy. My sil did EC and I don’t care for it but it’s how she was brought up and it’s normal for her. Her kids are ok but sil has the smallest bladder in the world, which apparently can be a “thing” - something to do with tight muscles. A developmentally normal child of 3 wouldn’t be in nappies anyway and does it really matter how she got there?

It would be interesting to hear from YAs who have been brought up similarly to the way OPs SIL is bringing up DN.

I read the Tarot, do lots of Yoga and love my crystals. My DGD affectionately calls me a witch! But I do live a very normal life which is enhanced by my hobbies and interests.

Anyway getting back your eccentric SIL, she is doing no harm, to herself or her DD, from what you have said.

You should give Yoga a go!

I think I can see why the voting's been turned off.
Reckon it would be at least 90% saying YABU.
Lucky DN, having such committed, thoughtful, intelligent parents.

It's none of your business how she raises her child, really, unless you suspect some type of abuse or neglect. Accept that people do things differently and leave it alone. What would you do, anyway? Tell SIL that you think she's making mistakes in her parenting? It won't go over well, and you'll achieve nothing except antagonising SIL and souring family relations.

OP, every one of your posts drips narrow mindedness and judgement. But you are so set in your thinking you can’t see it.

She had a good career: so she’s not daft or unable to make decisions. It’s not for you to manufacture ‘concern’ because she has made different decisions to you.

She sounds fully committed and engaged. She will home-educate to a high standard and her child will no doubt have friends and collaborative activities within the Home Ed network. She obviously doesn’t isolate her child or restrict mixing to other non/screen families etc.

Good for her for not allowing screens for her 3 yo!

If you don’t understand just take refuge in ‘each to their own’.

She's 3 years old

Your attitude stinks, quite frankly.

If you want to socialise why don't you ask SIL to suggest something she is comfortable with?

Surely it’s just different to your choices? My DD5 has never had a sleepover. Occasionally my mum has had her but always at our house but on the whole she’s rarely babysat. She’s also vegetarian by choice 😂 we don’t home school but I know a lot of people who do. Different doesn’t mean wrong.

Do you manage to get out much/get chances to experience other places and meet people OP? I think it's lovely you're thinking of your niece but wonder if you might be missing a whole world that she's already experiencing (via her mum) that you're just not party to as yet. I would see it as an opportunity to broaden my own experiences and my childrens', by showing you're keen to get involved in some of the things she gets up to.

The way she wants to bring her child up is a bit different but I don't see any problems.

My children didn't go to nursery and they didn't do sleepovers, nor did we ever have a babysitter apart from my parents. And there is no way they would have had screens to play with at 3 years old, they didn't have them until they were about 12.
Don't worry about your niece I'm sure she will have a wonderful childhood.

And the problem with any of that is??

Who laughs about it now? Your SIL? Or are you laughing at her? IMHO it will likely be your SIL who has the last laugh with the choices she is making. Mine are grown now and I wish I was more enlightened and made many of the choices your SIL is making regarding safeguarding, attachment, diet, ethics, exercise etc.

Sleepover put your DC at risk of CSA, neglect and stress. I would pic my DCs up from my childless sister the next day where she had fed them shit and let them stay up til midnight - unsurprisingly I then had the Sunday from hell.

My DD has just met a new friend at Uni who told her that she stayed for a sleepover at one of our neighbours house when she was in primary and was so scared because the Mum was shitfaced.

My DCs have only recently told me about hearing my sister and her husband drunk rowing downstairs about who had finished off the last of the cocaine. They also had their own kids in the house. We had no idea.

Judgement dressed up as faux concern.

I do inwardly roll my eyes when someone tells me about a parent they know deciding to home educate. But the key word is “inwardly” because it ain’t my business to judge.

Plenty of parents don’t allow sleepovers. Safeguarding concerns. Or perhaps they just don’t want/trust other people to manage their child the way they want. Restrictive? Yeah a bit. But hardly a big deal. And certainly not eccentric.

Vegan? Meh. Who cares. What’s that got to do with her lack of socialising?!

I think you’re well and truly judging her parenting values because they’re different to your own. I don’t think anyone is fooled by your “concern”. You can say “i’m not judging” all you like, but saying it doesn’t make it true.

She’s probably approaching it the way she did with her career.

More parents should screen the things they expose their children too. Just recently someone was on here saying their kid ended up reading violent porn books because they had unfiltered kindle library access

she will likely ease off once she feels she has instilled a good sense of self and values into her DD.

I had earthy parents who did similar. Having a self assured child who can think, understand and ask questions before the ingest the plethora of media and experiences in the world is a good thing

We aren’t even allowed to take her over night and we have accepted that as ours are older and boisterous but when asked about sleepovers with friends she said she doesn’t see that happening. So how is she going to learn any life skills?

You sure as shit don't learn life skills at sleepovers...

A someone who was SA as a child by a friends older brother, I don't think I'll be allowing my DD4 to go to any sleepovers until she is MUCH older.

She has only slept at GP house once too, they are pushing for more, but we don't see the need for it in fairness.

Her child isn't missing out by not having sleepovers and going to the zoo and being home schooled by a very involved parent.

She kept her in the sling as a baby because she didn't want people taking her baby off her and passing her around and that's where baby was comfortable. It's also easy to walk around with babies in a sling. No big deal.

You say you're not, but you're coming across as extremely judgemental of her parenting choices despite her 3 year old being well mannered and not being on screens. You sound like you've got rigid parenting views without being exposed to much diversity in parenting approaches. This isn't eccentric at all.