AIBU to want clearer boundaries around adult time in a blended family?

Are we sure it's not a step-dad though @Calliopespa, guess ma spidey senses could be well off though!

You have the patience of a saint not to bite to some of the goady posters on here.

@Reversetail

i know, it’s no wonder that there are so many divorces. Both children AND adults matter in a family.

If your parenting has even one ounce of the grace, patience and level headedness you have shown on this thread, whilst navigating huge domestic change, financial pressure, a one year old baby, then your children (step and biological) are very fortunate to have you. 🫶🏻 @Hellosunshine994378

I know - why don't you send the child to boarding school?

Also yes most parents would try to stop their kid following them from room to room, butting into conversations.

Talk in bed or when they're at hobbies, after school stuff friends etc.

Unnecessary comment. Clearly the, OP wants to make it work and has measures already in place to facilitate an anxious child.

Wow, so many people who don’t prioritize their relationship in anyway, that’s not healthy or sustainable. Completely agree couple time is important and especially in a blended family.

I think it depends on the household doesn’t it. We all go to sleep by 9ish! My 13yo is always asleep around then. As others have said it really helps with her anxiety and concentration.

People responding with ‘having a teenager is like another adult’ ‘there’s no privacy’ — you can’t have both. Adults do learn to give each other privacy. I am super close to my DDs (lone parent) but often say that I need space etc.

The problems all come from it being a step situation. I’m sorry to say that as I grew up
in a stepfamily and was once a SM. But I could never really relax in either of those situations. Growing up I had no bedtime etc but felt awkward and anxious. As a SM I like you often wanted my stepdaughter to give me more space. Not that different to my actual daughters, but with a totally different feeling behind it iyswim.

Good luck, I think getting her involved with the baby is a good idea. It gives a role.

We often discuss things while DH is on his way home from work. I work from home so he calls as he's heading home and I don't have calls at that time most days so I can wrap up work while we chat. He usually picks up from nursery unless the traffic is terrible.

This will likely have to change when DD goes to school but we'll figure that out.

Basically, you work around the kids. Even when DD is in bed we don't usually have the deep/important conversations because a) we're tired and b) that's downtime. Unless it's absolutely necessary.

I know people say, no coming into parents bedroom. But my now adult DD’s were allowed if important. They always knocked and said can I talk. That was when I got there worries etc. Just before they went to sleep.
They would tell me etc then go off to sleep and leave me with the worry etc.

Oh and to add to my overlong comments above...

I do think that encouraging your DSC to make their room their own a bit more is important. It was something we really emphasized when our (now) adopted DC came to live with us - it felt like a really tangible and visible way to communicate that our home was their home and they weren't guests or just there for the time-being. Make sure this extends to the bathroom they use as well; set aside drawer/shelf space and offer to get whatever containers or dividers they need, let them select toiletries, and keep baby items tidy if it's a shared bath. We also did things like include them in food-shop trips and menu planning to ensure we incorporated more things they like and made sure they had their own coat/backpack hooks and spots for shoes.

Something feels off about this post and situation.

You talked in your op about keeping your relationship low key, reframing valentines day and protecting your relationship.

Now you are talking about wanting to have a discussion about money and how to tell your dsc off (assume this is what you mean when you say discipline).

I think you need to admit that you're struggling to adjust. Your dh is now more focused on his dd, you've lost your evenings and money is tight. Its not fun!

And it's ok to say it out loud!

YANBU.
However, you have made certain choices, being the adult.

Such is life with an anxious and/or nosey teen. Talk when they are in school or at the ass crack of dawn. The problem is that this hasn’t crept up on you over the years you’ve been thrust in at the deep end.

You mentioned Valentine's day in your OP. Why would you cover up that you are in a romantic relationship? Send the flowers, buy the chocolates, it's fine to model healthy relationships.

Re private time, it's difficult for anyone with teenagers in the house. It's just how it is, however in another few months, when she's settled in, she'll hopefully be out and about with her own friends. Encourage hobbies and maybe a gym membership so that she has places to go to meet her own friends.

Hm . Yeah.

I can see why this might be tough in that you suddenly have a teen living in the house and it must be a bit of transition for everyone. It’s a real change from when your kids are going to bed at 7.30pm or something. My DD is 12 and often it’s just when she’s going up to bed that she wants to share things that have happened in the day and her worries. It is hard to find time to talk with my DH generally about practical stuff but I think that’s just how it is how they get older. We involve our DD in things like planning the menu for the week etc. and if we need some time for other things we might say ok you watch an episode of something while mum and dad sort some paperwork. In short the dynamic changes when your child is older. Good luck.

YANBU OP. I would say that your DH needs to take the lead with behaviour and parenting though so you shouldn’t have to discuss those at length if he is doing his job. Start going to bed at 9 and get ready for bed and into bed and you can talk then. Get up early to talk. But leave the discipline and parenting issues to him or I can see this getting worse. Guessing she has moved because her mum can’t provide an appropriate environment for her which will add to her insecurity.

I've got a blended family including teen step-DC and DC we adopted after a loss in the family, so we've dealt with concerns about everyone feeling secure in the family. Your updates reassured me that your hopes aren't fully unreasonable, though I think you may need to adjust them some.

The default in family homes is going to be family time, but DH and I do tell our DC that we need to time for private conversations. I think this is actually fine for kids to hear - kids need experience on both sides of healthy boundaries - but how and when matters. We ask for a specific amount of time and in most cases we will offer family/parent-child time immediately after. "Dad and I need 15 minutes to talk just us but then it will be dinner time/let's look for a show to watch together/let's all talk about plans for this weekend." Make a point of initiating that time with them after so that it's clear you're not just trying to fob them off; if you're in an anxious time right now I would even set yourselves a timer so that you stick to your word. Once things settle down you and they trust what will happen you likely won't need to explicitly state the latter part every time. We also avoid having private conversations in the main living areas whenever possible and don't kick anyone out of a room they were in before us (unless it's our bedroom or one of our offices).

I'll be honest that I don't think this needs to be a frequent or even daily thing and more often than not we can and do wait for for post-bedtime or another fairly convenient time to talk. I'm not sure if you're having a hard time adjusting to the sudden presence of a kid who can understand your conversations (it's different than just having a baby/toddler!) and being a bit overly broad about which discussions actually need privacy or if the frustration of not having a solution has just magnified the problem so it feels more constant. Knowing that you can create some time/space if necessary will likely help with both.

Op i think this is because what you said is odd.. I mean in my words its odd. Im just thinking of us in our family as parents with our kids, we certainly dont go around worrying about having adult time. You have a one year old too , do you set boundaries with the 1 year old too if you're having adult only? Also I might have this wrong but your other posts just look like you're trying to save face .. I doubt you need to discuss the stuff you mentioned that much that you feel the need to ask for advice on mumsnet. What do you think other parents do? If your step child is following you around from room to room due to a serious reason then your concern would be how do we help the child , not what do I do because I need adult time to discuss finances. 🤦🏻‍♀️