To get no help with childcare from grandparents

In my experience and I had even less support than OP and had two DC very close together. My parents lived a 10 minute drive away. My sister had one DC who they couldn’t do enough for in terms of free childcare, baby sitting on a weekend or after work, while she did housework, daily visits. Meanwhile I had two babies and worked part time. I had to take them both with me for a smear, to the dentist etc and my parents could go three weeks without seeing my two.

I did ask for support with half a days childcare a week or once a month babysitting etc but they weren’t interested. I tried to fight and discuss the unfairness of this situation with my parents but they refused to admit or acknowledge it, I wrote a couple of letters, spoke on the phone, had several tearful face to face meetings, tried to go NC several times but could only manage three weeks before I was paralysed by guilt. But absolutely nothing changed.

My advice to you is that people do what they want to do and if someone shows you how they feel repeatedly believe them. You will ultimately be fine as will your DC. Mine are both grown up now. I so wanted them to have a good relationship with both my parents but however hard I tried my parents just weren’t interested. Our marriage survived, our children are doing well but we totally lost any friends we had as couples because we could never go out together but hey ho.

I was always envious of friends who had parents who helped. Mine were both dead before I had children, but I know they didn't do much for my sister. We had au pairs instead. They filled that gap for us perfectly.

Also why does babysitting by gps now & then mean you aren’t raising your dc 🙄

I’m so sorry this is the situation with your parents and as a hands on grandma many times over I can’t identify with grandparents who are like your parents even though I know it takes all sorts to make a world. I doubt anyone will be able to make you feel better about the situation and I wish it were different for you and yours. ❤️

and just to say that there is a very big difference between not helping out with babysitting and not have any interest in your grandchildren which is what the Op is going through with her parents.

I think YANBU at all! I think so many parents are like this now.Totally involved with their own lives .I think they want to "stay young" and have fun .Being a GDP should be able to encompass that of course,but some dont want to do it at all! If you have a good RL pre DC maybe sound Mum on her own .and say ",I know you love Susie of course ,would you be up for a bit of babysitting now and then now shes a little older?" That way she has a chance to say yes or no.If not I think you have to accept it really .I was practically co parented by my Nan and DM worked and was a SP as well .Meant all School hols, EOW and being collected by DGD in his Austin A40 on a Wednesday for tea!My DM would babysit with a couple of weeks notice, and would have DD while I went to the HD sort of thing .

It's not clear from the OP whether her issue is that they have never offered to help or have refused when they've been asked. I think it's unreasonable to expect people to read your mind and offer exactly what you want but it's reasonable to feel a bit aggrieved if you have asked for help and they have refused. Some people can feel inhibited about offering to help. OP also doesn't say if she's told them about how disappointed she is.

Do you want them to have a relationship or do your want the to do childcare?

you can facilitate a relationship with them and dc without babysitting.

if you want them to do childcare I’d ask them, did you talk to them about them doing any sort of regular or even ad hoc childcare before you had dc?

My in-laws are the same, have never, very offered any help, never mind baby sitting. They live literally on the next to their school, but have only ever collected them once - when j was in hospital.
It's very sad. Now the kids are older they actively dislike them and ask to go to their friends when GPs are due over.
But when they had kids they happily shipped them off to anyone who'd take them. They openly tell us how they had so much help, they never had a weekend home.

Well your post is a bit confusing because there is a difference between seeing her regularly/having a relationship with her vs providing childcare. It is reasonable to expect that they would want to see her. It is unreasonable to have assumed that they would provide childcare.

Also, 14 months is still very young, and therefore more challenging to take care of than an older child. It may well be that they will provide more care when she is older. My mother provides more care for my DD than her other grandchildren, because my DD is the eldest and therefore far less challenging to care for than a younger child.

@HoppingPavlova that's weird I don't know a single person friend acquaintance or colleague that doesn't have any regular help from grandparents.

Oh you'll get everyone saying you're unreasonable on here but the world has turned very ego centric and selfish. All these parents who had support from their parents forget that and parents need support more than ever.

I'm so grateful for my family and the help they have all given me and I'll do the same for my children when they are grown. That's what family is for just like I'll take care of my parents as they age. It's a two way street so when they are older and need help, you're too busy living your life to do that!

YANBU.

It’s sad, mine are similar. Won’t come to mine as they don’t like the roads, I have to go to them. No effort to childproof the house so I spend my time stopping the kids touching things and dealing with tantrums.

i just know when I am a grandparent I would like to help and have a relationship with my grandchildren.

my kids cry when we pull up at my parents house.

Haven't seen ils since ds was 3 months old. Mil held him once in the hospital..
Ds is now 11..
Mil is only 10 years older than me.
Me now 54...
Be glad you aren't having to have a forced relationship with those who don't give a shit. It's very liberating..
Whole weekends to ourself. No drama.. Whatsoever..

What a load of rot.

If you love a family member, live nearby and have the ability to help - a normal person absolutely would want to offer help and support in that situation.

Of course, they aren’t obligated to help. But you reap what you sow. Both in terms of the relationship with op and her dc - and in future when those parents may require help/support. OP won’t be obligated to provide that then, the parents can struggle, just as they are content to let op do now.

Their 'activities' or having the cleaner over takes priority over providing any help.

Why should your "activities" take priority over looking over your own child?

I never understand this. We didn’t have parents/family anywhere near and brought up our kids with zero assistance. Exactly the same for most people we know, was really rare for anyone to have any family nearby, so everyone just got on with it. It’s definitely possible and not something to moan about. What specifically are you in need of help with?

I wouldn't provide regular childcare but the OP isnt asking for that!

My parents don’t help either. You just have to make your peace with it and accept the relationship looks little different than what you were expecting rather than feeling resentful. If you look at it from another angle not everyone loves the baby stage, they’ve done their time and earned a fun retirement.

But these dgp have barely seen their dgc in 14 months! And they are only 20 mins away

OP is hardly asking for a major childcare commitment

My own kids have a wonderful relationship with their dgp and we are careful not to trade on their goodwill. It warms my heart when the kids (15 and 7) go in for a huge hug when we see the dgp. DGP are always there for us and our kids, and our kids have so many special memories of good times with them. That wouldn’t have occurred if DGP hadn’t invested in the relationship from day 1.

I am on your side here.

I didn't get much help as both sets of parents far away, but if my mum were nearer they would have helped. If I were only 20 m away I would visit at least once a week, if I was welcome!

It’s their choice if they don’t want to help, and that’s fair enough, even if disappointing for you. Their relationship with their grandchildren will reflect it though.

My parents are wonderfully helpful. They have their own lives, but are there for us in every way that they can be. They have a house full of toys, have looked after the kids to help whenever they can and the result is that they have an amazing bond with our two daughters, who absolutely adore them. When they are older and frailer/ more dependent we won’t forget everything they have done for us and we will do everything we can to support them in turn.

My husband’s parents live equally nearby but only ever want to see the kids on their own terms and provide no help of any sort. If we propose bringing the kids to visit and they were planning to go for a walk, they wouldn’t consider adjusting even the timing of their plans to accommodate our visit. They are not willing to keep even a couple of toys at their house, so it’s boring for the kids. The result is that our girls don’t want to visit them (we make the effort anyway, but we need to coax the kids into the car and sometimes it’s a bit of a battle). All fine, they are under no obligation to put themselves out at all for our kids, but their relationship reflects that. You reap what you sow really. I know what kind of grandparent I plan to be when the time comes.

my mum had alot of help

Therefore she should pay it back? Men don't need to, of course!

it is an unpopular opinion here but I believe grandparents SHOULD help with childcare if they are able to.

Distance, health, work aside they should help.

Why would you say no to helping your children, even when they are adults, just because it doesn't suit you. I am not saying take the piss and make your parents raise your children but one or two days of childcare a week isn't much to ask.

But I come from a normal family that likes to help each other not a bizzarro world MN family who think any ask is too much and once your children are adults its tough shit get on with it.

Sure it's lovely when family offer to help but they are not obligated to. And no, int's not selfish.

This is peak mumsnet mentality - nobody owes anybody anything - friends, family, whatever. As soon as your child is 18 you’ve ’done your time’ and have no further responsibility for supporting them or maintaining the relationship in any way. God forbid you should love THEIR children as an extension of them, how weird - kids are vile.

Of course it’s selfish. She’s not asking for them to do 3 days a week and every other weekend, just more than an hour in 14 months. She’s their daughter.

Yes because only mums need help not dads.

Women expect other women to assist but don't have the same expectations from men.