To get no help with childcare from grandparents

Oh, I wouldnt want to be doing this either. I want to travel when I retire, not to be doing regular childcare. But there is a middle ground.

It's hard not to feel sad about it. My parents are both still working full time as they had us very young. My dad rarely does childcare but then they run around after my step brothers kids so I kind of get that. My mum helps where she can, often takes annual leave to cover school holidays and covers weekends occasionally. Both of my parents are about half an hour away. My in laws are 3 1/2 hours away and offer when they can. My MIL often comes for a week in the summer school holidays to help DH and myself not to have to take so much annual leave.

I hate the 'they've raised their children, now ita time for you to raise yours' type responses. The OP isn't asking for help raising children or regular childcare, just the odd ad hoc bit of babysitting/ some kind of interest in having a relationship with their grandchildren. It's normal to feel upset that your parents don't care that you never ever have a break, or that they don't seem to care about your children

This is so sad OP. Our first GC arrives in a few months, and II'll be providing free childcare for at least 2 days a week when DDIL's maternity leave is over. We live about the same sort of distance from DS and DDIL, and I'm so looking forward to being a hands-on GP. I'm retired now, but I keep myself very fit and active so that I can help as much as possible with any GC. I know not all GPs can provide the same level of support, but I don't understand why they wouldn't want to spend as much time as possible with their GC, I really don't.

It’s a very different thing to go out for lunch, than it is to look after an active toddler. If they’re long retired, they must be older and I can tell you that the spirit is willing, but the energy isn’t.

Do you go to see them or invite them to you, without the expectation of childcare? When my grandchildren were babies and small children, we saw them regularly and looked after them regularly, when we weren’t working. I couldn’t do it now.

You seem to be avoiding giving their age, It makes a huge difference! If they're in their 80s then you're being unreasonable, if they're in their 60s maybe not.

I became a grandparent in my 40's and did loads of childcare - we got three in two years and they all stayed with us for weekend sleepovers. I'm now 67 with a great-granddaughter who is 6. There is no way I could have looked after her as a toddler - my energy levels simply would not have allowed me to keep up with her. However it wasn't an issue as we're a big family who all help out. We love spending time with our DGG - she's a pleasure to be around.

Alternatively, my DH brother and wife are in their late 70s and their grandchildren have just recently started school. They have done an immense amount of caring and absolutely love spending time with theirs, but they do find it exhausting. They do it because they love their kids and grandchildren and want to help them.

However that doesn't excuse your parents for having no interest in the child, they're missing out on so much. I guess you now know you don't have to put any effort into the assistance they will definitely need as their age becomes greater.

To be fair I often think for lots of people this is the problem. It’s often the parents who got a lot of help who didn’t enjoy looking after their own kids, so they don’t want to look after someone else’s 30 years down the line either.

Someone told me years ago that the parents who loved being parents also love being grandparents because it gives them the chance to relive those times. The parents who didn’t enjoy being parents don’t want to be involved grandparents because they didn’t want to do it when they had to so they would never choose to.

Definitely rings true for me. My parents were amazing parents and they adore being grandparents, my dad especially loves nothing more than spending weekend mornings at the park and cafe with us and our children, looks forward to it all week! My PIL were awful parents who hated being parents, saw my daughter 4 times in the first year of her life and have now completely cut us off and have never even met my son.

I lived a couple of hours away from my mum, she had my brothers child 2 days a week and I’d see her maybe 3 times a year as she was always very busy.

However I did find it a little thoughtless when she said to me, ‘I don’t know how you do it, I’d have been lost without my mum.’

Have you actually asked them for help?
Saying this as I used to feel the same about my parents, they never offer to have my DC.
But I have actually just started asking for help more, and they don't often say no.
It's by no means regular, and my DC cannot go to their home so they always have to have them here at my house (hoarding issues) but since I have started asking more, they've had them more with no issues at all. They are happy to - I just do have to ask. I think they haven't wanted to impose is all.

I think you've been unfortunate yeah. It sounds like you get less support than average, and certainly much less than some.

YANBU. It's sad when GPs have no interest in their grandchildren or even their own children. Still, they will miss out in the long term when the grandchildren aren't interested in them when they are eldely and they receive little support from the children and grandchildren they neglected for their whole childhood. You reap what you sow in terms of relationships generally speaking.

You chose to have a child and decided to wait until they are older. My dc know we won’t be providing childcare except occasionally evening babysitting/overnight at our house, we made it clear before any of them have started families. My parents provided just a few days over my dc’s childhood (distance, still working) and got zero help from my exh’s family, couldn’t be bothered to even visit

You can't expect childcare, but it's a huge shame that they aren't interested in getting to know your child/their grandchild.
My grandparents lived 5 mins walk away. Never visited, if we visited them my grandad would tell us to be quiet as he couldn't hear the tv. I didn't feel I had any relationship with them and didn't feel sad when they passed away, only sad for my Dad as he was upset. I listened to friends talk about playing games and days out with their grandparents and was really jealous.
I'm lucky that mine and DH parents absolutely adore our girls. They do help occasionally with childcare, but my main priority is them having a positive, nurturing relationship. We can pay for childcare but we can't buy that relationship and the huge value that brings.

If it was so important to have GPs look after your child for you so you didn’t have to, maybe you should have discussed it with them before getting pregnant.

Dh has 3 gc under 8 who live about 30 minutes drive away. We see them about every 6 weeks for a meal and a walk.
We are both mid 60s and retired but don't do childcare apart from a day in the school holidays for the 2 school age ones. Never had them overnight.

Assuming they are in their 70s, I think yabu.

People over 70 get much more tired, much faster. I'm 62 and I couldn't look after a toddler for long.

In 10 years time, I think I'd only be prepared to cover absolute emergencies.

You need to understand that and look elsewhere for your childcare. And I say that a single mum who did the whole lot herself without any support at all

I’m in a similar boat. My parents show no interest in my 2 children and it’s so sad. I wish they wanted to have a relationship with them. They live 10 minutes away and haven’t seen them for 8 months. I always had to travel to them or make the plans so decided to just stop and see if they would initiate anything and they didn’t.
As a child I frequently spent time with grandparents and other relatives so they certainly looked to outsource childcare themselves but make no effort to offer that to any of their grandchildren.

Dm wonders why my dcs don't jump up to hug her; it is a very transactional relationship, and if I'm being completely honest feels forced. We rarely go to hers as she is always "put out", despite me bringing their snacks/lunch with me. She puts big thick throws all over her sofa. They're primary school age now, and not any bother, and don't make a mess. I always wash her cups and dh's and I's, and any clearing up, not that there is much. One rare time when my youngest dc got some crumbs on the throw, I shook it as difficult with all of the blankets to see. I vacuumed before we left! She isn't elderly, and was around 60 when my first was born.

Unfortunately due to a lack of effort, even (worse in the early days), they haven't created a strong bond at all.
I never expected her to babysit, just show a genuine interest, but going out/nights out in pub with her bf (who she is no longer with) was put first (fine, it is her life, my dcs, etc). However she is all about the show and a bit of a Disney gp who paints a very different picture to others; this is the part that frustrates me. One relative was astounded she hadn't babysat or supported me in any way, not even visiting me when they were in SCBU. God knows what she had been saying. You cannot have it both ways.

my mum had a lot of help, so I thought she would offer at least a little bit to me

This is what I find so utterly selfish of some GPs. They had the help, but there is no "paying it forward" to help their own children.

I find it sad and bizarre that they think it is ok to be like that

We very rarely get babysitting, but do see grandparents all together much more often than every two months. You can pay a babysitter if you want free time, but you can’t pay for a relationship. Do they video call?

I think it’s sad when this happens, both sets of grandparents to our baby adore him and can’t get enough of him. I have a few friends whose parents aren’t interested in their children and I think it’s so sad.

YABU about the childcare element but not unreasonable about the lack of effort in general.

My parents are amazing, have a beautiful bond and relationship with my children, they don’t do childcare nor do I expect them to but they are very involved in our lives, we see them at least once every week, they know my children almost as well as I do and they truly do adore them and would see them every day if they could.

I never begrudge grandparents who don’t want to do childcare, I think its totally fair because its tiring when you’re young nevermind into old age but grandparents who don’t even want to see their grandkids does make me sad.

My Mil is 81. She still has DS1 over for lunch every Saturday and DS2 goes to hers every Saturday evening for a sleepover. More during the holidays. When they were younger and DS1 had many medical appointments she fetched DS2 from school once a week. She was deligthed to do it. And I was a sahm! But then she's very kind and loves her grandchildren more than life. And they love her deeply. Sad for your parents to miss out on that bound. And then they will wonder why noone comes to see them at the retirement home...

Surely the focus (and title of this OP) should be that the grandparents have little interest in their grandkids, rather than 'they don't do any childcare'.

The latter can be excused. The former is really sad and upsetting.

Okay. Do you ever ask to visit them? How long did you ask them to wait to meet the baby after they were born? Were they good parents? Have you enquired whether they would like to mind the child while you work? You’re not giving us enough information to answer your question.