To get no help with childcare from grandparents

Parents who don’t want to be grandparents, never really wanted to be parents either.

I never expected anything other than being grandparents who we visit or who visit us, or who we could call on an emergency. Any more than that was a bonus. My child was mine to raise, the grandparents are there to spoil. Given the posts I’ve read on here and what I’ve seen from family members who chose a different path, the way I did it suits me far better. I really don’t want to be arguing with other people about the way we chose to raise our daughter.

You can be disappointed but you can’t expect help from grandparents It is in their gift. Have you spoken to them about it? Have you actually invited them over to get to know the DGC without the pressure of looking after them. Toddlers can be hard work and if your parents are elderly it could be they are fearful of falling or not being able to prevent the child doing something they shouldn’t. Your attitude that they are selfish is a little harsh. Do everything you can to foster a good relationship when the children are small and the chances are your DPs will be more willing to offer help as they get older.

My mum is like your parents but in her defence she's over 80 and getting a bit doddery. She's just not that interested in seeing my daughter or "helping" and never has been. She's happy to get photos and videos to show her friends but in practical terms not much use. She's never looked after her on her own and never will do.

Tbh that's fine with me as we have a difficult relationship so fortnightly or monthly visits are fine by me.

But if they are barely even seeing their gc (not babysitting), but just not interested much, there'll be no bond later on.

Your child. Yours to look after. When did grandparents become second carers? I’ve got my own life. 🤷‍♀️

My grandkids are adult now, I’ve got a great relationships with them all, and I looked after them at times and in emergencies but I’d bought my kids up.

You're not unreasonable at all. Of course they are not obliged to help, no-one is, but it's still a shame they don't. Very sad for your child to not have that relationship. And disappointing for you to get no help too, as it makes such a difference.
Maybe they'll be keener once the baby years are over?

Nowhere have you said you want free childcare

It’s literally in the thread title. All OP seems to care about is the lack of childcare she’s getting. Regardless of grandchildren, I think only seeing your parents once every 2 months when they only live 20mins away is quite sad, so I think there must be a bit more to this story.

The title of the thread mentions helping with childcare. Not visits or babysitting.

Don’t generalise. It might have been normal for you but it wasn’t for me. I was born in the mid 80’s and many more mums back then were SAHMs so didn’t need the weekday childcare. It’s not the norm in my experience to be practically raised by your grandparents either back then or now.

Plus times have changed - grandparents are likely to be older now because millennials / Gen Z are leaving starting a family until much later. Looking after toddlers in your late 60s and 70s is not an easy task. On top of which they’ll be working for longer too.

My Dad has only recently retired at the age of 71. They were wonderfully devoted parents for many years (3 children across a 10 year gap) and now they have the freedom I really want them to go out and have some of the adventures they’ve been dreaming about while they are still fit and healthy enough to enjoy them. All of my dad’s family members have died by their mid 70s, so we are painfully aware that a long and happy retirement is not guaranteed. I would hate for them to feel tied down by regular child-care obligations. Although don’t get me wrong, I’m very appreciative of occasional weekend babysitting when they are available. They are still very involved grandparents and spend a lot of time with their grandchildren, so this hasn’t had any effect on the quality of their relationships with them.

I can understand why you might feel resentful in your situation though.

Hello, I want to echo what some other people have said which is for some reason on mumsnet if you say you are disappointed that you’re parents don’t give a toss about your child, you get battered down.

I think it’s sad that grandparents don’t want to be involved with these wonderful little children. Nowhere have you said you want free childcare, they could just pop round once a fortnight for a cup of tea and a play with their grandchild.

It’s their loss. I console myself by understanding that if my son has children, I will do everything I can to support him, and I will be as involved as he will let me in his children’s life. Children are a blessing and bring a lot of love.

also, I know it sounds mercenary, but if they won’t help when I really need it, or care about my beloved child, I sure as hell am not being an unpaid carer when they’re elderly.

You won’t help me, then you’re getting in a care home pet.

I've seen it said many times, not just with respect to uninterested GPS but also with respect to GPS that have their own lives. The resentment is generally because adult children feel entitled to free childcare...

I think as pps have quite rightly pointed out, many of the GPS that don't do anything disliked being a parent themselves. This could mean disinterested not great parents, who gave no support to their dcs. Therefore said dcs aren't going to exactly be falling over themselves to support their parents when they age, gc or no gc.

I wouldn't expect help in the form of childcare for a 14 month old from elderly parents.

Agreed.

This comes up so often, it’s very sad

Yes that’s my experience too and I had no experience or desire for grandparents childcare but we’d visit and built perfectly normal relationships.

This is Mumsnet. Apparently it's unreasonable to hope your parents will ever help out with. Childcare (not that I agree)

Provided the adult children were not abused or mistreated when growing up, why should any moral obligation on assisting parents in old age be down to whether they babysat for them or not? Surely if they made sacrifices and brought up their adult children in a loving home such assistance should be given in return and they should not be "punished" for wanting to live out the rest of their years without being tethered to small children!

You put it so much more succinctly than me!

Sorry if this has already been pointed out as I haven’t read the whole thread but it has come up several times: the grandparents had loads of help / childcare from their own parents, even being “palmed off” onto them, even at weekends so they should automatically pay it forward and be doting grandparents.

However, it instead suggests that the grandparents didn’t actually like young children - even their own - so they avoided it by palming the children off. Now they’re older, used to peaceful, quiet lives doing things as they like, they’re not suddenly going to metamorphosis into nurturing, storybook grandparents who want to look after young children, even their own grandchildren. They’re remaining as they’ve always been so it shouldn’t come as a shock, but it always seems to.

That’s awful OP. They’re your parents, and I assume love you. It’s completely alien to me that they would not want to help you, or build a relationship with their grandchild.

I cannot fathom how current parents of young children would behave like this when their children are older, and are parents themselves.

Some people are just weird OP. Sad to hear your parents fall into that category.

Mine are like this. I feel no obligations to help them with stuff day to day and my friends who had the help do. When it goes that way, it goes the other way too. Don't be a martyr, they did as they pleased, DD will be off in 10 years and you can do as you please :)

YANBU sounds like they like the idea of being grandparents in theory just not in practice.

1 day a week is regular, and loads, let a lone anything more. That is lovely of you, and your dh, and I bet your dc appreciates it so much. Honestly I find GPs like you downplay it. No wonder you have a lovely relationship with your GC. I wish dm was even half this way, I wrote a piece on her further up thread.

Well I think they’re mean and I say this as a grannie who lives 1 hour away and has my dgs for 2 days with an overnighter every week.
Big dgs smile when he sees us is payment enough.