To get no help with childcare from grandparents

We get very little in the way of childcare for our two young children. My mum comes up once a week and does really help me when she’s here.

Once a week is "very little" @Chunkychips23? Seriously?

Exactly. It's not a stretch to assume the people who are disinterested in their grandkids weren't that interested in their own kids either, and provided the most basic of parenting.

I do think it's a bit of a stretch. When people have children they go into it blind, having no idea of the true realities - you only have to read a few threads on mumsnet to see that! - and to see how many struggle.

Don't forget for the last generation of parents nursery and other child care was very thin on the ground. Many modern mothers manage by using these facilities so that they do only the amount of parenting that they can cope with - and we all have different levels.

Every parent simply does their best. Some grandparents will have made a really good job of parenting in spite of finding it very hard. They may be enjoying their well-earned retirement and that is fine.

Exactly. It's not a stretch to assume the people who are disinterested in their grandkids weren't that interested in their own kids either, and provided the most basic of parenting.

We get very little in the way of childcare for our two young children. My mum comes up once a week and does really help me when she’s here. My MIL comes once a fortnight to be hosted, then congratulates herself on helping 😂 That’s an improvement. She used to expect us to travel to her and go out for lunch/dinner, then complain that it was only 90mins.

It is what it is. You can’t force people to take an active interest let alone help out. That’s their choice. It can be a bitter pill to swallow, especially if your own grandparents did a huge amount of childcare for your parents, but they don’t want to pay it forward for you.

I had no expectations when having my children, but parents attitudes (especially my in-laws) did surprise me.

Same. Mine have done less than fuck-all for me - not just including the lack of help with my kids, but also a complete lack of support for me throughout my whole life. The 'your children, your problem' thing only works for people who aren't expecting loads of family help and support themselves in their older years.

I would invite them round more for meals or to do things together. I wouldn’t expect child care from people in their 70s. I wouldn’t expect them to be seeing the children with you there too and maybe you taking the children round there more when you go and see them. In general grandparents see grandchildren more if they have adult children that want to see their parents and take the children along. Do you want to see your parents more or is it just childcare?

I get you, it’s the lack of interest and low effort.
You will get no support on here though and made out to be the one in the wrong.

look up #low effort parents on insta, you will get more of an idea what is going on.

My mum has taken my children overall about 3 hours over the 16 years I’ve been a parent. She refused to sit with them for my friends babies funeral, when I was having heart surgery, when one of my children were having an operation to name a few.

She has zero issues taking any of my other siblings children at all. Infact actively offers to watch them for them to go on holidays. Then wonders why we have zero contact, I will say it is not just the lack of support that caused the zero contact.

It’s not unreasonable to feel like you’ve had a raw deal. My mum regularly updates everyone on her amazing grandkids…. Mine included. She loves to be a Facebook grandparent to my kids.

I'm 67. I'm still extremely fit and active (I walk miles with my dog, go to the gym regularly and so on). I have no children. I have zero interest in babysitting or caring for anyone's children. I do know people of a similar age to me, however, who are very much NOT as fit and really wouldn't be comfortable caring for a small child.

Going out for lunch is VERY different to caring for a baby/toddler small child. That you seem to think it is shows how little understanding you have of how being an older person is.

I'm a grandparent and was clear with both my children from when they first started having serious relationships that I did not intend to be tied down to regular child care. I am retired and expect to live my own life with outside interests and the ability to travel outside school holidays at short notice. Yes, they ask if I can have granddaughter overnight sometimes, and sometimes I can and sometimes, I can't.

Not wanting to do regular childcare is understandable given their age. And I don’t think anyone is owed childcare, but it’s obviously nice if family want to help out.

The general lack of interest and not seeing her often is weird, in my experience and I don’t think you’re being unreasonable about that. We see my parents every week or two, and MiL probably monthly because she’s busier, but she still asks DH about the kids a lot.

@Mulledjuice I have already posted the following statistics but for most of the UK population it is normal.
Over half of British adults live within 15 to 20 miles of where they were born with 64% of first-time buyers living within 15 miles of their hometown, and homeowners with children live, on average, 9 miles closer to their hometown than those without.

I think 70s is too old to regularly have a 14 month old personally. Sorry OP, I think you’re being unreasonable.

My mum and MIL are now in 70s and my kids are 8, and I can see they are not really up to it, even with 8yr olds. It’s very tiring and not very enjoyable.

I don’t see why you resent your parents having an easy- going, relaxing retirement. Into 80s they will increasingly not be able to do the things they enjoy. Why should they waste that time looking after a toddler regularly? They see you frequently and HAVE helped you out.

Yep. Each generation of women in my family has become a Grandparent for the first time, a decade older than the one before.

My grandmother was 42 when I was born
My mother was 52 when my DD was born
I was 64 when my GD was born.

I love having my grandchildren for irregular childcare/just for fun, but now that I'm 70 (the youngest is two) it's knackering.

Mine are the same. The Mumsnet view is usually “your children, your problem” as if family relationships are the same as any other relationship and looking after grandchildren is a one-sided transaction.

I have accepted the fact that my parents are not interested in a relationship with my children. There are consequences - I no longer invite them to family days out, or send them many pictures of the kids, or share much news with them. They seem to be ok with it so there we go. I won’t be going out of my way to help them when they’re elderly.

I have no help whatsoever, like you and it is fucking hard. Everyone else I know has at least some help.
The mumsnetters will be out en masse to tell you that your parents owe you nothing but they are a very odd bunch so just ignore

Being Early 70s does make a significant impact - previous generations grandparents were in their 50s and 60s. If we accept that we want lives/careers/travel before having children and wait until we are in our late 30s and 40s then we have to accept grandparent help is going to be minimal. We can’t have it all.

My PILs were like this. No effort at all to see their DGC But when we we went to see them, posts with photos saying they were just "chilling with the DGC" on a Sunday afternoon. They lived 20 minutes away, but my son (now adult) has never stayed at their house once. Performance grandparenting

What makes you so certain?

I had no Grandparent help to speak of when I was a parent of little ones. Nor did most of my friends. We were the generation that the government told to 'get on our bikes 'during the years of sky high unemployment, and to move away from our families. It's really not unusual for those now in their late 60s/ early 70s to have had to manage alone, due to distance.

People are bloody weird!

Seeing your grandchild who lives 20 minutes away every couple of months is awful. I can’t believe anyone is defending this.

There is a big difference between expecting loads of childcare and hoping for a bit of interest and care from your closest relatives.

Cold, selfish people. I’m sorry for you, OP.

Good points, I hadn't thought of it like that.

Your dad sounds utterly adorable, lucky you 😘

No doubt their parents helped with child reading when they were young parents, but now they don't want to do the same for their own children. Very selfish

Yes! I’ve read and realised this a while ago. 100% true. It doesnt stop it being disappointing though…

I’m 60 now and my GC are 10,8 and 7…..at 50 I had lots more energy than I do now….I have mine lots but they are far easier these days….sleepovers are no hassle….not sure I would want a 14 month old overnight now