To get no help with childcare from grandparents

I have a good friend with a similar aged child to my eldest. We tell each others kids off! Not hugely but small corrections. Such as take your finger out of the butter tub!!

That is basic caring responsibility, a child doesn’t ask to be born and cared for

You remind me of my mum, who had 8 grandchildren and lived to see her first two great grandchildren. She was a really involved ‘nana’ and the kids adored her. The idea that ‘she’d done her parenting’ wouldn’t have occurred to her - nobody was asking her to parent these children, but to be an interested and involved grandparent which is exactly what she was. She also had a great time in life - despite health issues, caring responsibilities and a lot more challenges than many people face in their lifetime she was still the first one up on the dance floor, had lovely holidays, made friends, always open and up for enjoying life. She was amazing. When she got ill she was surrounded by all of us looking after and caring for her, I literally gave up my job and life abroad to move in with her to care for her until she died, not a moment’s hesitation and I’d do it again in a heartbeat. Considered it a privilege.

Sadly this was before I was able to have children - she had me late and my siblings early so there was a huge age gap. I wish my DD had got to know her and experience that, luckily she has my eldest sister who she calls and thinks of as ‘nana’ (that’s what all her ‘cousins’ call her so she just did the same) and who acts very much like one. Which doesn’t mean regular childcare but absolutely she’d help me out if I needed. She’s also like you, and like my mum was, she considers a week without spending any time with her grandchildren to be wasted, ‘living her life’ absolutely includes spending plenty of time with her grandchildren, step-grandchildren, and bonus one in my DD.

You do know that you will get zero sympathy on here about this issue? The attitude is that it is your child,you chose to have them and your parents are not obliged to provide help or childcare. I am a grandmother to one DGD (who is now 19) and I was very involved with her from the start. I can't imagine not being,but unfortunately not all grandparents feel the same.

Did they pester you for grandkids?

I’ve been a Nana for 21 years now and I have 9 grandchildren, the youngest is 4. I’m very hands on and have been from day 1. In fact there’s barely two days that go by when I’m not actively involved with one or two of them. There are also times when I have (what I call) the entire cousin gang to stay and they make my heart sing. I also have care commitments with a loved one.

Im 68 and lead a very full Iife, I have hobbies, I travel frequently as a solo traveller and I volunteer twice a month with young adults who are disabled.

I wouldn’t have it any other way and I find living life rather thinking about the years I have left as time well spent.

I would usually say something along the lines of “it’s not your parents’ responsibility to care for your DC “ but have they really only spent 1.5 hours with their DGC in 14 months ?
If so, they are missing out big time.
As a single mum I didn’t get any help from my parents and it wasn’t expected but my DH and I chose to look after my DGD once a week - and we did that for 4 years .
We created the most amazing bond with her & now she’s at school we are enjoying our “freedom”. As hard work as it was , we miss her so much
If however your parents are spending time with your DC but just not providing childcare then my response is as always- your DC are your responsibility and your DP are not selfish for choosing to spend their retirement as they wish .

This. With bells on. X

I just find this really sad. my kids have the most wonderful relationship with their gps now. They spent loads of time with them whilst growing up either all of us together or for sleepovers/babysitting. They still manage to have a fantastic retirement full of socialising and doing their hobbies . Nowadays my dds will call them up and go and visit them by themselves at the weekends which my parents love - they are mid 80s now and adore the grandkids and love them coming round. As soon as they need my help I will be over like a shot.

You’ll get blasted on here, but I agree with you. It’s a horrible shock when you realise the grandparents aren’t that interested in your babies. Especially when you may have had a decent amount of time of them
asking when you’re going to have kids, etc. It’s not about expecting childcare, it’s about them having a bond with your child and sharing moments and making memories. It’s a shame when they can’t because they need to rearrange their fruit bowl that day, or because they have a hair appointment at 3pm, so couldn’t possibly pop in for an hour at 11am. Some people will say it’s their loss, but actually the children miss out too. I had a lovely close relationship with my grandparents, which unfortunately hasn’t been afforded to my own children. And don’t get me started on people who say “I’ve done my time.” Ughhh!

I’m still there, she’s not flying solo. She’s not providing childcare as I’m still there, she’s not babysitting. She’s babysat three times for 90mins in 2yrs. So yes, I’d count that as very little.

Why is my comment relevant to your sarcastic remark? Because I said 'my mum and MIL', when the grandfathers are dead? Why would I include them as being in their 70s and not up to it, when they don't exist anymore?

You're just embarrassed you got it wrong and now doubling down.

It had everything to do with your comment.

You presumed it was sarcastic.

Possibly. Mine wasn’t around at all, so couldn’t comment. However, my DH wouldn’t be like that. He’s amazing!

I didn’t say it wasn’t. That didn’t have anything to do with my comment though. You just presumed I was being sexist and shot off a sarcastic response without having any idea of the context.

Whereas fathers would behave like this and often no one would bat an eyelid.

It is true that most of the childcare done by grandparents is in fact done by grandmothers not grandfathers.

Yes but they ran around after OP when she was a child.

Absolutely! Once per week is loads and I would have literally wept with gratitude for even one hour per week.

Our DC are 12 and 8, and during their entire lifetime we have had half a dozen evenings and two weekends courtesy of grandparents, one weekend for each set of our parents for special birthday weekends away. We won't be asking my parents again as when they did their weekend, the first thing they did when we walked back through the door was moan about how tired they were.

I knew someone would come on and say something as woefully ignorant as this. My father and FIL are both dead. My dad looked after my twins by himself on a good few occasions before he died of cancer when they were 5yrs old. But thanks for the assumption.

Dh and I have raised 4 children over more than 3 decades ( age gap and step children)and our youngest is now at university .
it is most definitely our time to enjoy our hard work and time together.
when dc have children we will be thrilled but definitely not going back to rearing children and getting exhausted doing it.
we will obviously enjoy them and no doubt fund many holidays etc and step in in an emergency but no way are we giving up our time together for grandchildren duties.

My friend minds 4 days enjoys but says she very tied. Can see both sides. It does tie your days. We never had help. It was difficult. But it stung at time as friends had loads of help from family

I have this memory that sums-up the support I received quite well.

When my first born was 2 years old, my DM was having her house decorated but this only happened on the weekends as the decorator had a full-time job in the week. Anyway, my role as her daughter was to pick her up every Saturday and take her to get ‘stuff’, like paints, rails etc… My 2 year old with me. This continued for around a year - it was a big job. This one Saturday we arrived in the B&Q car park and DS was asleep, so we sat in the car to give him his allotted sleep time (DM could’ve gone in on her own but chose not to). Once awake we headed inside and DM headed for the nuts and bolts and I took DS to the cafe for lunch ‘sausage roll’. As we sat in the cafe, I turned and saw my DM at the nuts and bolts giving me the dirtiest scowling look ever. I understood from that point onwards that she honestly thought as I was her daughter I was there to serve and help her, and that my DS’s lunch should not have been prioritised.

Some mothers are completely self-obsessed and couldn’t possibly think of helping their DC care for their DGC as they’re too busy thinking their DC should be caring for them.

I ignored the look, and carried on with the lovely fun lunch with my child. But, I’ve never forgotten it!

Yes because it is only grandmothers who need to be considered for childcare not grandfathers.

Yes - I was going to comment on that too!

Here is a GM who devotes once a week to coming and helping - I do not see that as "very little" but as very generous.