To want to pull DS out of nursery even though we can’t afford it at all

Get yourselves on the wait list for childminders, look at other nurseries as options, but agree with others if your partner thinks this brilliant degree level job he deserves is just waiting for him, preventing him from going to work at KFC, tell him to go get that job and start earning now, today.

You’d have more options if you had more money, is the brutal truth.

So you can’t work at kfc if you have a degree, but you can sit around at home doing nothing? You take whatever job is going. And you look for a job you’d like around that. Or you look after your own child who hates nursery.
it’s kinda baffling that you’re working full time, tearing your hair out trying to find a solution for your son who is having a tough time at nursery, and your partner is doing nothing. And you’re passive to that. No one is judging you op. I am judging your partner though, there is no way on earth any decent parent would see their son so upset, have an incredibly obvious solution right in front of their eyes, and not do that.

I don’t understand your logic. The nursery sounds awful so you could look for another setting or childminder which would still allow both of you to work. You are letting your bf off lightly with him not working nor having to do childcare. He could look for short term or low paid work and job hunt rather than wait for the “right” job to turn up. He could volunteer to get some transferable skills. If he claims uc he will soon be expected to find work in any role.

You are absolutely not wrong to question things but may I say you sound a little paranoid. Why would you think nursery staff would judge you for your age? I don't think that an issue at all. I think the judgment from your family has made you assume everyone else is.

I think you need reduced hours whether this nursery or another. Dad can mind him, during nursery hours dad can hopefully get a PT job while job hunting, he can work around time off for interviews.

As for the issues, you need a face to face with his key worker. The one that jumps out at me the most is the wrong nappies, there is simply no excuse for this. You don't know really what happened about the dirty nappy but it could be argued that you should have checked too at handover. If you didn't smell it, it's not fair to say staff should have. They may have changed him and he went immediately after while his coat was on, it happens. Kids also knock each other over and get wet however I don't think he should ever be sent home wet. They have clean clothes for a reason.

However I am with them on the bottle, they would have to go against all recommendations to accommodate this and it would also cause upset to other kids who want bottles but have to wait til bedtime. In my place they have to move from bottle to sippy cup to move from the baby room to the wobble room at about 15 months. He will adapt if he has to, that doesn't mean than it will be easy.

At the end of the day you have to trust your instincts, don't feel guilty if you really want to remove him. A fresh start somewhere new might be best for your stress.

Or are you 27 and 24 now? And got together at 22 and 19?

OP you're 26 or 27 I think which is just a normal mum age, I wouldn't assume you're being looked down on as a 'young mum'.

Sounds like you have lost faith in the nursery though so definitely move your child.

I'm not quite clear on the timings but have you been with your boyfriend since he was a 16 year old child and you were a mum in your 20s?

Agreed. Why is your son being sent somewhere that you sense is awful for him when he has a parent sat at home?

I'm really sorry your family is going through this. I wish you could stay home with him. I feel sad for you all.

I don't think you're unreasonable at all to want to take him out of nursery. I think the fact that it is upsetting you this much makes you a really good mum.

That’s better than the 12 and 15 I had based on the ages mentioned in the post. I realise now that was 3 years ago when the eldest would have been 6 not 9!

Change nursery or can your partner have him while he isnt working? Poor little chap, sounds like he needs some support that they aren't giving him

Why didn’t he go back to kfc once he’d finished uni and his son was in nursery anyway? Look for work around a few shifts.

not what you’ve asked so the point I’m trying to make is it doesn’t sound like this bloke has any intention whatsoever of getting a job.

your child is in a terrible nursery, and his father is sat at home doing nothing. Take him out today.

Ok, apologies for my last post then because it sounded like he was the dad which would have been disturbing given the age gap between you. But people shouldn’t be judging you now and I think you should trust your instincts.

This.

Remove him from this nursery which sounds far from ideal, and he stays at home with his dad for a few months.

In the meantime start looking for alternative nurseries or childminders, go on lots of visits, read Ofsted reports and talk to parents locally about where their kids go. Have a couple of options lined up to contact for when your partner finds a job.

It's ridiculous you are still sending him to a place you've got so many concerns about when there is a parent at home who can care for him full time starting immediately.

I’d find a new nursery or childminder OP.

If your partner refuses to communicate with nursery (he really needs to speak up) then try a contact book, you can write down anything you need to communicate, ie . Little Tony hasn’t eaten well this morning please can he be offered snacks before lunch. They can also write down key points about his day.

But I’d probably go with another nursery or childminder, you’ll find a setting better for you.

Can your partner not take an evening job or PT job whilst kids are at school and nursery to take off some of the financial pressure from you?

You sound like a good mum, who is working and providing for her family, don’t worry about what they think of you being a young mum! Age does not determine what kind of a parent you are.

I can't comment on most - but the hearing loss I can. My child (17 now) is completely deaf in one ear and has about 90% loss in the good ear now, she has always had an aid from the age of 3. She hated it, it was all new and everything was loud and she just wansnt use to how clear and loud everything was.
Back then it was basic, and hard to adjust, now tho you can use your phone to adjust everything.
I'd recommend having it set low, let him build up to a level that he needs/suits him. Don't try and have it in constantly, just keep trying. Eventually it gets better.

Make sure he gets involved in picking his mould, the minute we could pick colours, little decals to go in, glitter it was easier to put in.
With the nursery you NEED to be on it, fighting his corner, he has a disability and he needs extra help, they need to make sure he hears everything and understands it.

We found pre school not as bad as primary school - that was a constant battle.

Speak to your audiology consultant and see what they can suggest... We had a very supportive doctor who went above and beyond to help. They can write letters to HV, GPS, the staff at his nursery.

We also had a hearing support worker who even at he age of 3 would visit pre school and make sure the staff were on it, making sure my child was always at the front, making sure they were on the right side.

If you have any other questions, feel free to ask.

It's a long hard battle, but you have to take his on for his sake, you know him best! You've got this!

How old was boyfriend when you had the 9 year old? Because by my calculations he’d have been 14 and you 17 😬

You need to get the referrals in place for paeds and salt, he obviously needs help and likely needs an echp for school in 2 years time so starting early is key. Bottles are not normal past 1/18mos during the day so i completely understand where they are coming from, cows milk from a cup is normal for a 2 year old. As for the nappies, do you provide them? If not do you have any letter from a medical professional stating his allergy? Without that they would not be obliged to provide a different brand, but it sounds to me it’s less about the brand and more likely the rash is due to not changing him often enough. The nursery also needs training in hearing losd

I’m not understanding the can’t afford it bit.

you are currently paying for nursery whilst his dad is at home unemployed?

if his dad looks after him —like all mums would have had to do in the first place whilst job hunting— then surely you save whatever you’re spending on nursery?

you may also need to face the reality of what kind of jobs he will be capable of - because the facts you’ve told us - nothing at all for 6 months despite being able to search all day every day, coupled with the fact he can’t hold a conversation with another adult - I’m not sure how likely a job is.

A few things sprang to mind reading your post. First off though, you’re not wrong for questioning the nursery about his care as it doesn’t sound great at all.

Is your boyfriend the father of both children? If yes, why isn’t he doing both the school and nursery run whilst not working? You shouldn’t be running yourself ragged working and sorting childcare issues out!

How long has he been out of work? If short term, I understand why you’ve stuck with nursery - but you mention being able to afford nursery which makes me question why you aren’t pulling him out of nursery to be looked after at home by his dad, at least whilst you look for an alternative setting.

The pushing incident sounds normal for that age group, so I wouldn’t give that any headspace. Bottle of milk I’m with the nursery on that. If they offer an alternative of milk, he WILL refuse to eat in favour of the bottle of milk he knows is coming. The idea of weaning is to stop their dependence on the bottle. So stop offering it. Or at least get it into a non baby bottle and only offer it at home (eg as part of the bedtime routine, or in a cup with breakfast). the nursery also has to consider storing it correctly, or making it up fresh for him which they will not have time to do.

The dirty nappy when they got home. Surely if it were dirty before they left, the stench would have given it away? So maybe it really did happen on the way home. The wet trousers could well have been wet play so I’d reserve judgement on that one unless you have evidence it’s urine.

The wrong nappy - have you provided the right nappies and they definitely hadn’t run out when he came home in the wrong one? Is there another child with the same first name that the staff could be mixing up the pack of nappies in the changing room? Is your packet correctly labelled? What did the nursery say when you asked about how it happened? If you haven’t asked, why not?

Re the nappy rash, have you also provided a barrier cream for them to use? If not, it might be worth doing that as with one child you can get to them quickly when they need changing - with multiple it may not be possible to change them fast enough. I remember one of my kids could sit for a while in a wet nappy with no issues (didn’t cry, didn’t get a rash, just carried on playing etc so we didn’t always know it needed changing) but my youngest if you didn’t change it within a couple of minutes he would get sore. So it could be your son has really sensitive skin.

I’m not sure why you are worrying about stigma and judgement. It sounds like you are now 26/26 years old & your BF is 23/24? You are no longer the 15 & 12 year olds who had a baby - no-one is going to bat an eyelid to a mid 20’s couple with a baby! I think it’s all in your head from first time round.

Ultimatrly, if you aren’t happy with the level of care, pull your son out and look for an alternative setting.

You have a parent at home, i'd be getting his father to take care of him until he finds a job and you've found a better setting for your LO. His dad can build up his confidence, communication and enjoyment. It sounds really sad for him. He's deaf and needs all the necessary support he is entitled to. But you both also need to learn some ways to support him. I'm an old old mum but one of my mum friends is 24 and she is amazing, I would not see yourself as too young nor let anyone treat you as such

My children are older now, but I had a prem baby with language delay and restricted diet (he has other issues too and hearing is fine though). If it was me I would pull him out of nursery, bring him home and really focus on his eating, speech and potty training. Yes 2 is fine for all these things to still now be urgent but children with your child’s sort of profile often need a bit more nurturing and take a bit longer to get there and it’s never going to be easier than right now with a parent home and up and out for school runs so the days start well to support that learning. Take a month to find a better kinder nursery. Dh can apply for jobs while really helping the baby in a way that will bond them both. Once dh finds his job (which if it’s grad may not start till later in the year anyway) you can decide what to do longer term. What I wouldn’t do is ignore all your worries and make yourself get on with it. Be bold with your life and choose your own path. If the age thing is still a problem just add a few years in your head to your age. How would anyone know?

Op, I apologise if I missed something, but is this a school nursery, or a daycare style? I say this because staff expect children to be potty trained, and no bottles or dummies at 3. The odd accident is expected, but anything more excessive is beyond. If it is a daycare nursery that caters for this than that is different. Either way you need to look for a new nursery that can better cater for your son's needs, as it sounds distressing for all concerned.

Edited to say I have seen your update meaning he is currently in what I am assuming is a 2 year old placement? He'll be due to start nursery on the first intake after his 3rd birthday. It sounds like he may struggle and need to either wait a year, or go somewhere that can better cater for him.

If you pull him out of nursery is the plan for his dad to care for him?