To want to pull DS out of nursery even though we can’t afford it at all

If he is not eating he is not settled. Trust your gut. Can he be at home with your DP and go to activities, playgroups instead?

Move him to a different setting?

if he wants to start his own business, then just do it. It’s literally the point of your own business, you have to do it. Someone else doesn’t do it for you.

On the snack front - with a tired and hungry child it’s tactics. That might be finding a bench to sit on for it so less likely to drop it. Handing over one single crisp at a time. Taking a plate to put it on etc.

Similar for drink. A spill proof bottle or cup.

For the hearing aide tolerance building. Nursery should be part of this. Your health visitor should be able to support with a joined up plan between them and home. That might be 5 minutes a morning and 5 minutes an afternoon to begin with.

You sound about a decade ahead of your boyfriend in terms of maturity. He doesn’t sound good enough for you at all.

I don't think this little boy should be assessed against your grandson. Op has listed a lot of health issues and development concerns in her child's history.

He’s almost 3. The bottles need to stop. Buy a different cup for milk - my 14 month old grandson only drinks milk from his see through cup that has a spout but is fine with water in a solid cup for some reason. Your DS also doesn’t need formula - it’s a marketing ploy to get parents to spend money! Try him with oat milk if he doesn’t like cows milk.
My DGS also has cheap nappies from Aldi or Lidl and has absolutely no issues with nappy rash. Are you sure your DP is checking his nappy as soon as he comes home from nursery? Surely if he’s got a soiled nappy at pick up you’d be able to smell it?
It’s concerning that your DP isn’t in work - he needs to get a job, any job, and pay his way!

I would take him out and his dad can look after him. He could take him to lots of groups at children's centres/ family hubs. Get back in touch with your HV about the hearing loss and eating. 3:is too old for a bottle, he may like it for comfort but if he's drinking juice out of a cup he can drink milk out of a cup. I would resist giving him milk because it fills up tummies very quickly and you need to tempt him with food.

I wonder if a lot of things are pointing to autism in your youngest. Wearing a hearing aid (both the physical sensation and the noise it delivers that he’s not used to), the food aversion etc. has he been assessed? what relationship do you have with your health visitor? They can do his ASQ questionnaire to get a baseline for him.

id pull him out of that nursery and try and find one near the eldest’s school.

have you started to enquire as to which mainstream school he will go to? Often you might want a child with hearing loss to be in one with a hearing unit.

I would find a different nursery. A good nursery will actually help with referrals to things like speech therapy and pick up on any interventions that might be needed for a child. Changing nappies often enough is a very baseline level of care and youre not even satisfied they're doing that, let alone helping your child with development concerns.

I know that he should take any job but he wont - he sees the degree was a waste of time if so, he did business at uni but there aren't many jobs for that around here anyway. In the future he wants to own his own business but I don't see how he can do that without getting a job and gaining experience.

If he is bright enough to get a degree he is bright enough to know that this is not how it works in the real world. My own AC did not fall into degree-relevant jobs straight away - they did unpaid interns and worked their way up, or got tiding over jobs while researching the market constantly and putting in endless applications. Or they looked for traineeships. It may take a long time - it often does. Your family's stability cannot be kept on hold while he hangs on for the luxury of the job he thinks he deserves.

I think you should put aside your feeling that you are being judged.

Hearing aids are difficult in crowded noisy places like a nursery as they are pretty indiscriminate and amplify every noise and echo. It is something that needs adapting to gradually. Maybe try 5 minutes a day while on your lap watching a favourite programme on TV - a programme that seems only to work when the aids are in!

One of the problems with nurseries is communication - real face-to-face communication, not messages on the phone etc. This is often because parents are rushing hither and thither with children needing picking up from other settings.

Can you make a proper appointment to talk with them?

If you get no satisfaction from that then, as others have said, it will be a case of looking at another child care setting.

Or perhaps better, he goes to the new setting full time and bf takes whatever job he can get!

I would defo move him to another nursery.

Other things, does he really need to be in so much until your bf finds a job? Just enough time for bf to be job hunting effectively and no more until a job is actually found. In another setting I mean.

This nursery doesn’t sound up to scratch.

Why sent him to somewhere unsuitable when a parent isn’t working?
Sounds like a specialist unit in a School nursery would be a better fit (I know one of our local schools has one, not sure if it’s in all areas).

If you feel judged it is because your bf is freeloading and taking advantage of you. He might have a degree but needs must and you cannot afford for him to be that choosy and not to work. Presumably ds is not eligible for EY funding until September unless his hearing loss qualifies him for additional support or via UC, ask your hv.

This sounds like one where it might be worth both looking at alternatives, and also working with current nursery.

Some simple things that might make life easier:

• Check nappy at collection every time ‘because we’re walking home and if you’ve just weed that’ll be uncomfortable’. Does three things, solves the walking home in full nappy, gets nursery used to the idea that hes checked at pick up every time, gives plenty of opportunities to spot if they’re using someone else’s nappies on him. If they are, you can approach positively - do you need different labelling, do two kids have the same name etc.
• ask to meet with his room leader to review his care plan, ‘now he’s been there a while. Worth having a meeting about it given his additional needs.’ During that, talk about how to manage eating and the dietician advice that he needs calories regularly so a back up plan is needed for when he doesn’t eat the initial meal. Then talk about the deafness and hearing aid familiarisation plan. What will work best for them to it’s regards to building up his tolerance to them. Can they do 30 mins a day initially and track it.
• start taking a snack to eat at pick up. That’s a tough point for any child that age at nursery, but if you can get a snack into them immediately then you can often catch before get too tired to eat.

Look around at other nurseries in the area. Different styles suit different children and there might be one that’s more him.

Nine years ago you were a young mother but now you are an experienced mother. You can tell that nursery isn’t a good place for your DS.

Find out exactly what alternatives there are and get him on the waiting lists. Even better, your DP can do this since he has a degree and isn’t working or looking after his children.

Then decide if you pull DS from this nursery immediately or wait until you have a better option.

Also your DP needs to follow up all the referrals pps have mentioned so that DS has support going forward.

You are not happy with the nursery so take your child out. His dad can look after him while you look for a better nursery or get him on a waiting list for a childminder. Your partner can then do school drop offs and pick ups for your older DS. Your partner can give his son more support with eating and giving up bottles and communication and potty training (when you're all ready) than a nursery. This will take some pressure off you.

Your partner can still be job hunting while you look for better childcare. He should be prepared to take a less than ideal job when his family is struggling financially.

Potty learning ( not necessarily training)…is from age 6 months now ( look at the ERIC guidance)….from as soon as a baby can sit up

Sounds like you need to take your son out of the nursery- it sounds awful

I'm failing to understand why you would have to quit your job if he got a job? In the op you said your kid was three, but now it's 2, nearly three?