Washing 11 year old sons hair

I had one of these when I was little and didn't like getting suds in my eyes:

Toyvian Shampoo Shield Adult Baby Shampoo Cap Baby Bath Visor Hat For Lovely Shower Tpe Shower Cap The Hat for Adult Hair Washing Shield : Amazon.co.uk: Beauty

My DD is nearly 13 and a few months ago I noticed her hair was greasy straight after hair wash. I was adamant she wasn’t washing and rinsing it right so I went in to the bathroom and she was in the shower her permission obviously. She turned away so I just seen the back of her done her hair and done this a few times but it was still the same I reckon it was a burst of hormones at the time because a few weeks and it settled down but I don’t mind doing it and she was fine. She does it herself again now and closes the door. My DD is NT but I’m her mum and whether she’s 12 23 or 52 I’ll help her wash her hair if she needs it. Cause it will be her doing it for me in 50 years time lol xxx

Sounds like your partner doesn’t understand your son’s sensory needs. He needs to stop commenting and learn about SPD and autism.
You and his dad are doing a great job with your son’s needs and care.
You may be aware of these ideas but in case you’ve not tried or for if your son wants other options.

shower shield

https://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/157470664050?_ul=GB&rb_itemId=157470664050&rb_pgeo=GB&var=0&ff=11&mkevt=1&mkcid=1&mkrid=710-53481-19255-0&campid=5339059258&toolid=10044&customid=EAIaIQobChMIkPvVxo-bkgMV6pVQBh3SrgxeEAQYIiABEgIGIPD_BwE&wbraid=Cj4KCAiAybfLBhBMEi4AlaNbAwZm-yV32PBWwj2KmBFUhl0BH3SNN29YbgJPcP_wxvdvVAaogl8RrlTPGgKQ6w&gbraid=0AAAAADA7Q_IcaNe6jnJDW1NCEsNG9WAiY&adtype=pla&loc_physical_ms=9195089&loc_interest_ms=&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=20506529273&gbraid=0AAAAADA7Q_IcaNe6jnJDW1NCEsNG9WAiY

Hair washing cap

https://www.amazon.co.uk/5pk-Microwaveable-Conditioner-Vitamins-Extracts/dp/B09HT1SR7Y/ref=asc_df_B09HT1SR7Y?mcid=94ef403bc60e34bf88de01085b650e94&tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=697328155376&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=4527338462147135057&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9195089&hvtargid=pla-1487146538057&psc=1&hvocijid=4527338462147135057-B09HT1SR7Y-&hvexpln=0&gad_source=1

No water shampoo

https://www.superdrug.com/travel-size/shampoo-travel-size/pits-and-bits-towel-off-shampoo-coconut-fragrance-100ml/p/mp-00019460

Sensory advice

https://www.uhd.nhs.uk/uploads/about/docs/our_publications/patient_information_leaflets/Childrens_therapy/152-23_hair-care-common-sensory-issues-an-practical-tips.pdf

This may not help but how i got my then 9 year old ASD son to wash his own hair was I "forgot" his towel drying downstairs and after he had gotten in the shower (or maybe I had just turned the water on to get to the right temp) I suddenly remembered and said id be back in a minute and just test the water was OK. I took my time and when I came back he was so excited to show me he was doing it himself. I gave loads of praise and he kept it up. I stayed for a while to tell him all the shampoo was gone but now he is 10 and can do it by himself. He does prefer touse a sponge to work up a lather apply the shampo but once its washed I dont care.
But YANBU.... continue to support him as long as he wants and he will get there in his own time.

My asd DD could not stand bubbles. Hated hated hated soap, shampoo etc. Her hair has always been long, waist length long. She struggled with it so much, either she would come out of the shower telling you she'd washed her hair when it was obviously still dry in places, or she'd do it but only patchy clean, or not rinsed properly.

Even at 16/17/18 she preferred someone else washing her hair for her so she didn't have to do it. Leaning forward over the bath using the shower attachment fully clothed, not a problem. If it made her week a little bit easier, it's 10 minutes of my time and lets her get on with her week without being stressed out about her hair or the thought of having to wash it. Short hair I'd imagine is a 2 minute job. She knew how to do it, just hated it. I hate spiders, I know how to get rid of them if I have to but if there is someone else I can ask to help me, I'm gonna take that option.

As long as he knows how to do it himself, I don't see the harm in you helping to make sure it's done properly, if he's ok with that. Do it while he's still clothed so he has his privacy, treat it as a separate thing to showering/bathing.

DD is now at uni, with hair that is now bum length, and I'm really proud of the things she is now doing for herself. Because she's had to. She still hates hair washing but is doing it once a week, on a set day, and doing it properly, because she wants to make a good impression to her new friends. I wouldn't worry about helping an 11 yr old with his hair.

I think it's fine to keep helping but at that age (for either gender) I would be looking to transition the process out of the shower if him doing it alone is not happening soon. Depending on your set up I would look into ways to do a sink wash or wash at the edge of the tub with a handheld spigot. I would make a change before it starts to feel uncomfortable for either your DS or you/his dad. That way he never has to choose between hygiene and age-appropriate privacy.

It's common for parents of black kids (or others) with difficult to wash, highly textured hair to keep doing washes this way into the teen years or beyond.

It isnt lovely parents like you who are open to getting it that i mean and i shouldnt really have written it like that. I think many of us send parenrs have been judged for so many things, whether our kids being incontinent past an age seen acceptable, not seeming to be strict or disciplining enough, when our kids have meltdowns and much more. I was waiting for the thats not age appropriate your kid should know by now brigade. Im burnt out and exhausted and cynical tonight, which isnt like me usually. Trying to balance everything and failing big time.

Not saying she is but im saying I have had situations where I have had to try and work out where all the lines lie for my send kids and questioned everything. I have clearly said it isnt and encouraged her to wash his hair and go with her gut. I suggested trunks if either of them are feeling uncomfortable with it, not necessarily meaning now. Im having a seriously crap time trying to meet my kids needs and dont need people coming at me in what feels an aggressive manner when you could ask me nicely to explain, rather than wtf.

I have 10yo twin girls with thick curly hair and can't manage washing their own just yet so I still was theirs and will continue until they feel able to. Nothing weird about it. My 15yo has been independently washing her own hair from about 11-12. I'd rather help and get it right than having to keep sending them back to the shower umpteen times until they do it right which would only stress them out and put them off trying

You don't have a hairwashing issue, you have a partner issue.

If he wants to be "stepdad" then he really needs to learn more about ND as an absolute minimum.

Sometimes people with ASD need forms of personal care and little boys are no different. You can figure out other ways to do it if needs be but you're ultimately undertaking a caring role for your own child to meet his support needs. Tell your partner to butt out.

ASD or not - He is a child ffs. I'm baffled at those suggesting a problem with washing his hair?!

My boy is nearly 10, to many reasons to wash his hair to mention, and I'm will do until he doesn't need me to anymore. 🤷🏼‍♀️

My DD is 11 and has really thick hair - she has tried a few times to wash it herself and does it at her dads (although tries to avoid doing it there) but she doesn’t seem to rinse it well enough to get all the shampoo out and ends up with a ‘flaky’ head/hair.
I wash it for her as it’s 100 times quicker on the mid week wash but have been trying to coach her through doing it herself at the weekend. We’ve tried clipping half up and doing the underneath first which sort of works but she’ll get there.
Your son will get there too with gentle practice and there is nothing wrong with caring for your child x

My dd is 10.5 and I still wash her hair and she is nt.

Shampoo eye shield?

My DS is 10 and had ASD. He also hated water in his face until we had private 1 to 1 swim lessons where he suddenly got really good at face in water. That then meant he got better with hair washing.

WTAF? Safeguarding when she is talking about her SON? What the hell is she safeguarding against?

My son is also 11, and also asd, I also wash his hair for him and have to remind him to wash his ‘pits and bits’ otherwise he will just let water run off his body, no soap or anything. If your son is happy and not telling you not to, I don’t see the harm. If there comes a time my son doesn’t want me to wash his hair when he is in the shower, I think he will shower and I will still separately wash his hair over the sink or something other wise it won’t get done. Pick your battles. It’s really got nothing to do with your partner.

DS is nearly 12, I still shampoo his hair as it looks greasy if he does it himself. (He also likes me double shampooing and blow-drying it.)

I can't see how his mates would find out if he doesn't bring it into the conversation himself.

As long as he keeps yelling for me when he's in the bath why wouldn't I wash his hair?

Absolutely, it’s more inappropriate to NOT help your child with personal care if required to ensure they have proper hygiene!
I was 19 and had emergency surgery and couldn’t get aspects of my stitches wet… I also couldn’t raise my arms to do my hair, so my mum helped as I was in need of it, just as ops son is in their situation!

You tell his step df how you bathe /raise your ds is not his business..
And his actual df has no say in the choices made by you in your home either...
You are doing what your ds needs to be clean and hygienic...

Exactly.

its a shame though, that people aren't aware of this without having to have it explained to them 🙇🏻‍♀️

No, you’re weird.

Exactly as it should be!

There are some weird replies on this thread.

@Iusedtobefun95 you should have posted this on the SEN board, not AIBU.

Not his son, not his business. If he truly cared, he’d be researching ways to help, not nagging you each time.

Id tell him that you don’t want his opinion on it, and whilst it’s not hurting anyone, you don’t want to hear anything else about it now.