Washing 11 year old sons hair

My son is 12 and I wash his hair - but I do it in the sink - we have a blow-up ramp thing to keep the water going into the sink, he puts a towel and a hairdressing cloak thing round his shoulders, and I use a jug/bowl to wash it for him.

In this case it's because he has long hair and is very lazy about caring for it, but if he needs help, then it really won't be forever - there were plenty of things I was doing for my dyspraxic eldest at that age, and now he's 15 and things have tailed right off - I don't even tuck him in anymore (in fact he comes and says goodnight to me each night instead).

He's your child. He won't be a child for ever, he just need a bit more help with this right now. It won't be forever, and it's fine to do it while he needs it.

I hated water over my face as a child, and my children share that. Mine are younger but we've found that having a dry(ish) cloth to hand is all they need when they're washing their hair. They're getting better at putting their heads back but they're not there yet.

Ours are exciting crab scrubber things, so they get to shout I NEED A CRAB which takes the heat out of it 😂

Some really odd perceptions of inappropriateness here. If someone we love struggles to do something, we help them.

I wash my son's hair. He's 11. ASD ADHD.
I'll wash it as long as he needs me too. If I didn't, it would be neglect.

Would it be inappropriate to wash someone's hair if they had a physical disability? What about carers in old people's homes?

@Iusedtobefun95 you can get shower hats to keep water off faces. Have you tried one of those?

In contrast my 6 year old nuerotypical child showers himself and washes his own hair because he doesn't have SEN.

My nearly 14 year old son is autistic and has adhd. I had to wash his hair until 6 months ago. He just left his trousers on for privacy whilst he leaned over the bath and I washed it. I talked him through if everytime as I I am doing x, once your hair is rinsed properly it aqueaks a bit ans suddenly a few months ago he got it and started doing it himself. When your child is autistic they just are not always able to do things at the same time as other children so do what he needs.

My son is 18 and he said to me the other day , wash us me hair mum and give it a good scratch🤣 he had been working all day so all sorts of muck in it, he leaned over the bath and i did it. And if his mates found out or said anything they'd be told to f-off. Youre his mum and always will be.

Still washing my autistic 17 yo’s hair. Sensory nightmare for some and only way to keep it clean and tidy is for me to have set a hair washing schedule ahead so she can prepare for and then endure.

Loose the shampoo, my lad rarely has ever used it and he’s 17. That way if you have a bath he could every other day just wash it by lying down in the bath. No water getting in eyes that may build his confidence for the shower.’

My son is 12 with ASD and he has only recently washed his own hair in the shower and I still suspect he is not rinsing out the shampoo properly. He used loads of shower gel rather than small amounts.

I used to do the same as you and would wash his hair over the bath first and then let him shower. He needed a flannel to cover his eyes.

carry on with what you are doing for another 12 months and then he might want to try to do it alone. My child does not use conditioner, I just tell him to use a small amount of shampoo.

He has also not got to grips with tying shoe laces so he wears sketchers slip ins as much easier in the morning.

If he's anything like my husband he will just need to dip his head in the bath and rub some shower gel in and dunk again and he will have beautiful hair, it enrages me 🤣 I use all the products and my hair isn't as soft and lovely....
On a serious note I think if he needs you to do it then you do it, but maybe try and get him to learn so when he's a teen and no longer wants you to help he will know how to do it properly.

My kids have been showering completely independently since about 6 years old BUT they are neurotypical. I do other things for them that they can’t manage yet - son 2 cannot work out how to cut his own fingernails, he’s 12 and I do it still. If your son needs you to wash his hair, then what’s the problem? You won’t still be doing it when he’s 18 I expect - I’m a firm believer in supporting children until they are ready to do things by themselves. I encourage independence but I don’t force it.

How about washing his hair in the kitchen sink? With him bending over into it. That way he can hold a towel over his eyes and it can be easier to manage the flow of water.

It's also much quicker than a full shower, making it a 5 minute job, as opposed to a 20 minute one.

You can get waterless towel-off shampoo that doesn't involve rinsing (Nilaqua is one brand).

Goggles or face mask are a great idea

Hope you have a better day today. I have no experience of send, so can only imagine how tough your life must be at times xxxxx

nope, still don’t understand what you are going on about.

you said ‘safe guarding concerns’ about her washing her own son’s hair and she could consider trunks? Why? Who is she safeguarding against, herself?

im shocked that you think that a 11 year old should need to wear trunks when having his hair washed by his mum, it’s sad actually.

my husband (dds dad) still washes her hair and gets her out of the bath -she is 10. Should she be wearing a swimsuit to safeguard her?

if the op had said that she or son was uncomfortable about it due to puberty onset, entirely different but that wasn’t mentioned at all.

you are totally misunderstanding what safeguarding is and why it is needed-and it’s certainly not needed in this context.

I hate getting water on my face and can wash my hair in the shower and not get my face wet but I do have one of those shower heads with the flexible hose. Hate showers that have a fixed shower head. If the shower head is the same as mine could he try just directing the water on his head and down his back.

When I had a broken arm and dh had to help he couldn't understand me giving off about him getting my face wet.

He can wash it in the bath and then he can put his head backwards into the water and gently use the bath water to rinse it out. I used to do this with long hair when I was a teen so it hopefully might work for him. Might be a bit trickier as he grows but hopefully the habit of independence is built by then.

(From a fellow neurodivergent with shower-based sensory dramas)

I still have to wash my 13 year old’s hair because it is long and extremely thick and she just can’t seem to manage to get the suds out. Around 12 she got embarrassed if I saw her naked so I started doing it over the bath. I talk her through what I’m doing and at the swimming pool shower I try and show her how to get the suds out herself.

This is just normal parenting, you need to keep doing it for him and showing him how to do it until such time that he is able to manage it himself.

My DD has just turned 11 and has been washing her own hair for a couple of years - no ASD though so different to your situation.
Of course I would help her if she needed it.

Your DP needs to back off

Get him a hair washing shield maybe?

If he can’t do it and his hair is really short then I’m not sure he really needs to. DH doesn’t use any shampoo because it makes his hair look weird And dry. He just uses water.

If he had a physical disability you wouldn't be worried, and this isn't any different. It's also IMO not any different for a child with very long hair needing help.

If he's happy to have you do it, and you're happy to continue, then tell DP to mind his own business and crack on. Who is it hurting?!

Tell partner to back off. You're doing the right thing.

Why would they? And would they care?
My DD does not have SEN and can mainly manage her hair but asks me to brush the back as it's annoying to reach, and to check she's rinsed out her conditioner properly. It's part of being a mum surely? She's learning and will get there.